Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tom Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've something to tell ya."
"Of course you may come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to tell ya, Brenda.  There was an accident down at the Guiness Brewervy..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.  "Please don't tell me..."
"I must Brenda.  Your husband Seamus is dead and gone.  I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.  "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear!" But you must tell me true, Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?"
Well, no Brenda... no.  Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman enter a pub and each proceed to order a pint of Guiness.
Just as they are about to enjoy their beverages they notice a fly has landed in each of their beers, and has gotten stuck in the creamy head.
The Englishman pushes the glass away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the offending insect out with his finger and continues drinking as if nothing has ever happened.
The Irishman picks the fly out of his beer by the wings, holds it over the glass and yells, "Spit it out, ya bastard!!!"

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking just he'd been run over by a train.  His arm in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little twit, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," syas Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's ######, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!"

AHHHHH HAHAHA!
Keep'em comin'

Jason

   

Tee Hee!  

I wish I knew some good jokes.  The only ones I know are BAD!

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Conor Pass.
At the Conor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.  A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop, "where've ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

"Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months.  On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."
The priest sighs. "Is that you, little tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who might be the woman you were with?"
"I shan't be tellin' you, Father.  It would ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.  Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Bridget O'Shanter?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.  "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that.  But, you've sinned, and you must atone.  Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to the pew.  His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
Tommy replied, "Five more good leads!"

That last one is a great one!

notice how Rosie O'Donnell isn't on that list    

Oh goodness, I am about to start rolling on the floor...
I needed a few laughs today and this is just what the doctor ordered! I'll have to come up with a joke or two so I can reciprocate in kind...

A man walk onto a bar and orders a beer. As he is sitting there, the bowl of peanuts on the counter tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing.
 Disturbed by this , he goes over to the cigarette machine to buy a pack. As he approaches, the machine starts screaming and shouting at him.
    The barman apologises saying"The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order!"
 
                                    Jules

Man walks into a bar and the bartender asks: "what'll you have?"
The man answers; "A whisky please."
The bartender serves himand says: "That'll be £2."
The man replies: "What are you talking about ? I don't owe you a penny."
  There is a lawyer sitting nearby who happens to hear the conversation. He states :"You know, he's right ! In the original offer, there was no mention of remuneration and this constitutes a binding contract."
  The barman is unhappy but says "Ok! you got me there ,you got your free drink.I don't ever want to see you in here again ."
  The next day , the same man walks into the bar. The bartender says : "What the #### are you doing ,coming back in here after you were barred ?"
  The man replies "What are you talking about ? I've never been in this place in my life !"
 The barman apologises saying "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
 To which the man answers "Thank you ! Make it a whisky ."

                                        Jules

Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his hat, and bows his head.The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts his hat on again, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
  The other fisherman says;"That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
  The first man replies;"Well, I guess it was the thing to do . After all, I was married to her for forty years."

                                     Jules

Bwwaaaahaaahaaaa!

One last one:

Drunk stumbles into a confessional.  The Father enters the other side and waits.  After a few minutes of hearing nothing, the priest raps on the wall three times.  "Forget it," says the drunk, "there's no daggum Charmin over here either!"