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Robert Phoenix 
Posted: 18-Jun-2007, 04:56 PM
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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.


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Líadan Siofra 
Posted: 20-Jun-2007, 10:31 PM
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I read through all 116 pages of this thread over the last few days, and haven't laughed so much in quite awhile! So many great jokes!

Here's one I read today.

A little girl asked her mother if she could take their dog, Belle, for a walk. Her mom said, "No, Belle's in heat right now."
The girl asked what that meant, and her mom said to go talk to her father. The girl found her father in the garage. She said, "I want to take Belle for a walk around the block, but Mommy says I can't 'cause she's in heat."
Her father took a cloth, dipped it in gasoline, and rubbed it on Belle's butt. "Now you can take her for a walk." he said.
The girl did, but after a few minutes she came home without the dog. "Where's Belle?" her dad asked.
The girl replied, "She ran out of gas halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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blackcloud1129 
Posted: 23-Jun-2007, 10:57 AM
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters
who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to re-phrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________





And the best for last:




ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?


WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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blackcloud1129 
Posted: 23-Jun-2007, 11:12 AM
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Wal-Mart announced that on July 1, 2007, it will begin offering
customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The
world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo
Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in
the $2-$5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive
wine,"
said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas,
Bentonville. She said: "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name
for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of
popularity
were:

* Chateau Traileur Parc
* White Trashfindel
* Big Red Gulp
* World Championship Riesling
* NASCARbernet
* Chef Boyardeaux
* Peanut Noir
* I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar
* Grape Expectations
* Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white
meat (Possum) or red meat(Squirrel). Several varieties are also said to
complement the tire/grease/asphalt taste of truly fresh roadkill.


P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know that possum
is not a white meat.
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ballydun 
Posted: 23-Jun-2007, 03:34 PM
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lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif

I'll take some of that Chateau Traileur Parc! YUMMY wine.gif


--------------------
[color=red]"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision." Maya Angelou





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Robert Phoenix 
Posted: 25-Jun-2007, 10:12 PM
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Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest: Some are old but the new ones are real groaners:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight
attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other
says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for
adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen
Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town felt the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can
prevent Florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally,

10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten
did.
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Donajhi 
Posted: 29-Jun-2007, 07:39 PM
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MORE, PLEASE....MORE!!!


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DIOGENES HAS PASSED ME THE LANTERN, STILL LOOKING.....
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Robert Phoenix 
Posted: 29-Jun-2007, 10:28 PM
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More?...OK Blonde joke ahead
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate
one day so she eases her car over onto the shoulder of the road. She
carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men,
unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming
traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their
nude bodies to approaching drivers..

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It wasn't
very long before a police car arrives thru the mess
with lights flashing. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde
of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by
the road?!" asks the officer...

"Hellll-looo, those are my emergency flashers!!...
as required by law", she replied.
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Donajhi 
Posted: 02-Jul-2007, 06:40 PM
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You checked my picture on my profile, I love it.
Hope you don't mind, I copied this joke and sent it to my friends.
Got any more??
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Líadan Siofra 
Posted: 03-Jul-2007, 05:10 PM
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In heaven, a man and woman fall in love. They go to Saint Peter and ask if he can find a priest to perform a marriage ceremony. Peter agrees. A few days go by, and they haven't heard back from Peter. They find him and ask him what's taking so long. Peter looks frustrated, and responds that he's looking. A few weeks go by, and finally Peter shows up with a priest. The couple is married, and a few blissful weeks pass.
Several months later, though, they decide things aren't working out between them. They go to find Peter again. "We want to get a divorce."
Saint Peter explodes. "What!? It was hard enough finding a priest, and now you want me to find a lawyer?"
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Robert Phoenix 
Posted: 11-Jul-2007, 09:56 PM
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Why did the chicken cross the road?


DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with his problems on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after his problems on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why this chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a
chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. Probably.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY!
You can see it in his eyes, and in the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking
American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me what direction that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken -- cross the road? Did he cross it -- with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road -- but why it crossed - I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken is gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is say. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.



GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.



BARBARA WALTERS: In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, in its own words, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream, of crossing the road.



JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens...
It's easy, if you try... Crossing roads, together... Hoping not, to die...
Imagine all, the chickens... Crossing, roads, in peace...


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2000, Millennium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did
the road move beneath the chicken?


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What
is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

HILLARY CLINTON: Obviously, I have thought about it a lot in the months since the crossing. I am not sorry that I voted for the resolution authorizing the chicken to cross the road. However, I do regret the use of power since the chicken crossed the road. How could the chicken have been so poorly prepared for the aftermath of crossing the road? I do not understand how the chicken had such an unrealistic view of what was going to happen. Failure to plan for the post-crossing period is the hardest to understand. The chicken didn't let enough sunlight into its thinking process to really
have the kind of debate that needs to take place when a serious decision occurs like that. That's one of the reasons why I think it's important to have a chicken that asks a lot of questions, is intellectually curious, seeks out contrary points of view, and doesn't just surround itself with chickens that see the world the same way.

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
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TheCarolinaScotsman 
Posted: 12-Jul-2007, 11:07 AM
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QUOTE (Robert Phoenix @ 11-Jul-2007, 10:56 PM)
Why did the chicken cross the road?



I always heard that it was to prove to the possum that it could be done.


--------------------
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Ya'll drive safe and come back soon.
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blackcloud1129 
Posted: 12-Jul-2007, 01:52 PM
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Amen
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TheCarolinaScotsman 
Posted: 18-Jul-2007, 12:30 PM
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user posted image
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blackcloud1129 
Posted: 31-Jul-2007, 10:45 AM
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Three Holy Men and a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week
for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people
isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to
preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided
to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods,
find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,
went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find
me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me
and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy
water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became
as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had
one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his
best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled
down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to
a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi,
who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and
traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He
was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best
way to start."
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