Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

My dog can not bring himself to hide from me but the rest, YES!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Flora

I think that hit thenail on the head!!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $320,000, 000 to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too. Did you ever wonder where your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with other cats in estate-planning seminars.


Slàinte,    

Patch    

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him. 'What time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.' And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over and naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Slàinte,    

Patch    

So you only thought Indiana grew sweet corn--read on

Tomato juice was first served at a French Lick, Indiana, hotel in 1925.
The first tomato juice factory was also in French Lick, IN.

The world's largest orchid species collection is found at Ball State University in Muncie , Indiana.

The first regulated speed limit (20 - 25 mph!) was initiated on Indiana Roads in 1921.

The steepest railroad grade in the world is in Madison, Indiana.

An average of 400 funnel clouds are sighted each year in Indiana.

The city of Gary, Indiana, was built on fill brought from the bottom of Lake Michigan through suction pipes.

There are only two Adams fireplaces in the United States.
One is in the White House and the other in the Diner Home in Indiana.

Josie Orr, wife of former Indiana Governor Robert Orr, flew bombers and
Cargo planes during World War II.

The Indianapolis Methodist Hospital is the largest Hospital in the Midwest.

One of the first complete bathrooms in Indianapolis was in the home of Hoosier poet, James Whitcomb Riley.

The career of Dorothy Lamour (famous for the Bing Crosby-Bob Hope Road
Movies) was launched in Indianapolis.

Aviatrix Amelia Earhart was once a Professor at Purdue University.

Crown Hill Cemetery ( Indianapolis ) is the largest cemetery in the U.S.

The library in Fort Wayne, Allen County, Indiana, houses one of the largest genealogy libraries in America.

Wabash, Indiana, was the first electrified city in the U.S.

Pendleton, Indiana, was the site of the first hanging of a white man for
Killing Indians.

The Courthouse roof in Greensburg , Indiana, has a tree growing from it.

The world's first transistor radio was made in Indianapolis.

Clark Gable and wife Carole Lombard (born in Fort Wayne, IN) honeymooned At
Lake Barbee near Warsaw, Indiana.

The American Beauty Rose was developed at Richmond, Indiana.

Elkhart, Indiana, is the band instrument capitol of the World.

Frank Sinatra first sang with the Tommy Dorsey band at the Lyric Theater In Indianapolis.

Purdue Alumnus, Earl Butz, served as the Secretary of Agriculture.

U.S. 231 is the longest highway in Indiana (231miles).

Johnny Appleseed is buried at Fort Wayne, Indiana.

The singing McGuire Sisters spent their childhood summers at the Church Of
God Campground in Anderson, Indiana.

The main station of the Underground Railroad was in Fountain County, Indiana.

There are 154 acres of sculpture gardens and trails at the Indianapolis Museum of Art.

La Porte County is the only county in America having 2 functioning Courthouses.
(I think we can add Vanderburgh and Elkhart Counties in with that also.)

Nancy Hanks Lincoln is buried in Posey County, Indiana.

Crawfordsville , Indiana ( Montgomery County ) is the only site in the World
where crinoids are found. (What is a Crinoid, you ask? A form of deep-water
marine life that looks something Like a starfish.)

Pendleton, Indiana, was the site of the 'Fall Creek Massacre'. A museum
Housing 3500 artifacts of pioneer Heritage now exists on that site.

St. Meinrad Archabbey is located in Spencer County and is one of only 2
Archabbeys in the U.S. And seven in the World. (Abbey Press is an operation
of the archabbey.)

A Buzz Bomb (German - WWII), believed to be the only one on public display
in the nation, can be found on the Putnam County Courthouse lawn in Greencastle.

Roberta Turpin Willett was born in Indiana.

James Dean was born and is buried in Indiana.

The world's tallest woman lived in Indiana.

Red Skelton was born in Vincennes, Indiana.

Mae West and Claude Akins were from Bedford , Indiana.

The inventor of the television, Philo T. Farnsworth, lived in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Forrest Tucker was from Pendleton, Indiana.

You can't ship wine to Indiana. (So how does it get here?)

Bob Greise is from Evansville, Indiana and was quarterback at Purdue
University in West Lafayette, IN.

Toni Tenille (of The Captain and Tenille) is from Indiana.

Oprah Winfrey built her residence in N/W Indiana.

Florence Henderson is from Indiana.

The much sought-after Hoosier Cabinets are an Indiana product.

90% of the world's popcorn is grown in Indiana.

The Jackson Five are from Gary, Indiana.

The birthplace of the automobile, the pneumatic rubber tire, The aluminum
casting process, stainless steel and the first Push-button car radio was in
Kokomo, Indiana.

Frank Borman, NASA Astronaut, born in Gary, Indiana.

Pretty neat, huh? And you thought there was only corn in Indiana

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher

Slàinte,    

Patch    

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills

in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day .

Slàinte,    

Patch    

puts a new meaning to not knowing where your money may have been.

Better there than in some LAWYER'S pocket!

Didn't need that thought in my head.

My brother comes up with some strange ones at times. I have thought about it every time I get change now.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Jake and Jim are chatting at the beach. Jake asks Jim how come he is always so popular with the women. Jim explains:" I find a big potato and put it down my swim trunks and that’s my secret". A few days later they meet again on the beach and Jake says:" I tried what you said but all they do is look at me in disgust. Jim relies:" Yes, but you are supposed to put it in the front, not the back!!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Newly issued alcohol warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

Best Out of Office Automatic e-mails Replies
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.


2. You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have
received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed s o I can be promoted to our management team.


4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.


5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.


6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)


7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.


8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.


9. I've run away to join a different circus.


10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

Slàinte,    

Patch