Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

This was sent to me by some friends in FL.

Florida: Living Will


I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and
body, unequivocally declare that in the event of a catastrophic injury, I do
not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

I hereby instruct my loved ones and relatives to remove all life-support
systems, once it has been determined that my brain is longer functioning in
a cognizant realm. However, that judgment should be made only after
thorough consultation with medical experts; i.e., individuals who actually
have been trained, educated and certified as doctors.

Under no circumstances -- and I can't state this too strongly -- should my
fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
Furthermore, it is my firm hope that, when the time comes, any discussion
about terminating my medical treatment should remain private and
confidential.

Living in Florida, however, I am acutely aware that the legislative and
executive branches of state government are fond of meddling in family
matters, and have little concern for the privacy and dignity of individuals.

Therefore, I wish to make my views on this subject as clear and unambiguous
as possible.
Recognizing that some politicians seem cerebrally challenged themselves (and
with no medical excuse), I'll try to keep this simple and to the point:

1. While remaining sensitive to the feelings of loved ones who might cling
to hope for my recovery, let me state that if a reasonable amount of time
passes -- say, ____ (fill in the blank) months -- and I fail to sit sit up
and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children
and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a
day.

2. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a
special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these
boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the
health, education and future of the millions of Floridians who aren't in a
permanent coma.

3. Under no circumstances shall the governor of Florida butt into this case
and order my doctors to put a feeding tube down my throat or through a hole
into my abdomen to keep me alive.
I don't care how many fundamentalist votes he's trying to scrounge for his
run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that he plays politics with
someone else's life and leaves me to die in peace.

4. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to
legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these
people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my
behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

5. It is my heartfelt wish to expire quietly and without a public spectacle.
This is obviously impossible once elected officials become involved. So,
while recognizing the wrenching emotions that attend the prolonged death of
a loved one, I hereby instruct my relatives to settle all disagreements
about my care in private or in the courts, as provided by law. If any of my
family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I
hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a
living hell.


Milton Hirsch
Hirsch & Markus, LLP
Two Datran Center, Suite 1200
9130 South Dadeland Boulevard
Miami, Florida 33156
Tel: 305-670-0077
Fax: 305-670-7003
http://www.hirschmarkus.com/

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM MEN WHO HAVE
HAD ENOUGH:
>
> 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it
up,
> you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you
> leaving it down.
>
> 2. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to
> act like soap opera guys.
>
> 3. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
> answer.
>
> 4. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
>
> 5. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
> can find the perfect present yet again!
>
> 6. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you
> don't want to hear. (Really, really listen to this one)
>
> 7. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
>
> 8. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
> discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or
> monster trucks.
>
> 9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides.
> Let it be.
>
> 10. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it
that
> way.
>
> 11. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
> Really.
>
> 12. You have enough clothes.
>
> 13. You have too many shoes.
>
> 14. Crying is blackmail.
>
> 15. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't
> work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't
> work. Just say it!
>
> 16. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries
on
> the calendar.
>
> 17. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
>
> 18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any
> good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
> look good with your dress?
>
> 19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
>
> 20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what
> we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
> 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
>
> 22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
> some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell
> they're saying anyway...)
>
> 23. Check your oil.
>
> 24. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
> No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
>
> 25. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
>
> 26. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
> 27. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
> makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
> 28. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
>
> 29. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something
> but not both.
>
> 30. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
> commercials.
>
> 31. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
>
> 32. If it itches, it will be scratched.
>
> 33. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
> nothing's wrong.
>
> 34. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
>
> 35. What the hell is a doily?
>
>

This one is dated but funny:

Irish Optimism

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.


"Hello! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you."



"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"



"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the Pub. That makes eight!"



Saddam paused. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."



"Begorrah!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"



Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"



"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?"



"Well Mr Hussein, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphys old farm tractor."



Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 4,000 armoured personnel carriers. I've increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."



"Saints preserve us!", said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."



Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigans ultra-light with a couple of shot guns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"



Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"



"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."



Sure enough Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the morning' Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."



"I'm intrigued," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"



"Well", said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a few pints, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I hereby challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A - '65 Ford Fairlane
B - '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
C - '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a fieldrock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation,how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking this "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece:

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost.
Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Oh, I like that one!! Well done!

Dreamer1

Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs "was I getting into or out of the bath?"

The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Aha! that was funny as well! I can't think of a good joke right now. Ah well. I'm sure one'll come to me sooner or later.

Signs You're the Reincarnation of Someone Famous...

-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets.

-When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.

-Not only do you consider Yoko Ono an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.

-While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.

-Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.

-You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.

This HAS to be a record on this board, but this thread has been "live and running" for over TWO YEARS now. Yikes!

>>UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

>> If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and
>> reserve a tray, because you are dead.
>>
>> Always wear clean underwear.

From the Northwest Florida Daily News
>>comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,
>>only
>>to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
>> carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife
>> returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
>> inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
>>chassis.
>>
>> Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
>>parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
>>dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked
>>everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the
>>hood and
>> found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The
>> mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

I'm getting older!!! Funny Shadows

Slainte

Damn It's Good To Be A Man
>>> > >
>>> > > Your last name stays put.
>>> > >
>>> > > The garage is all yours.
>>> > >
>>> > > Wedding plans take care of themselves.
>>> > >
>>> > > Chocolate is just another snack.
>>> > >
>>> > > You can be president.
>>> > >
>>> > > You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
>>> > >
>>> > > Car mechanics tell you the truth.
>>> > >
>>> > > You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
>>> > >
>>> > > The world is your urinal.
>>> > >
>>> > > You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
>>>just
>>> > > too icky.
>>> > >
>>> > > Same work... more pay.
>>> > >
>>> > > Wrinkles add character.
>>> > >
>>> > > Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
>>> > >
>>> > > People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
>>> > >
>>> > > The occasional well-rendered belch or fart is practically expected.
>>> > >
>>> > > New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
>>> > >
>>> > > Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice
>>>anything
>>> > > different?"
>>> > >
>>> > > One mood, ALL the damn time.
>>> > >
>>> > > Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
>>> > >
>>> > > You know stuff about tanks.
>>> > >
>>> > > A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
>>> > >
>>> > > You can open all your own jars.
>>> > >
>>> > > Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
>>> > >
>>> > > You can leave the motel bed unmade.
>>> > >
>>> > > You can kill your own food.
>>> > >
>>> > > You get extra credit for the slightest act of Thoughtfulness.
>>> > >
>>> > > If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
>>>be
>>> > > your
>>> > > friend.
>>> > >
>>> > > Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
>>> > >
>>> > > If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
>>> > >
>>> > > Everything on your face stays its original color.
>>> > >
>>> > > Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
>>> > >
>>> > > You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
>>> > >
>>> > > You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without
>>>thinking:
>>> > > "He
>>> > > must be mad at me."
>>> > >
>>> > > You don't mooch off other's desserts.
>>> > >
>>> > > You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
>>>gift.
>>> > >
>>> > > You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
>>> > >
>>> > > You almost never have strap problems in public.
>>> > >
>>> > > You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
>>> > >
>>> > > The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
>>> > >
>>> > > You don't have to shave below your neck.
>>> > >
>>> > > Your belly usually hides your big hips.
>>> > >
>>> > > One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
>>> > >
>>> > > You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
>>> > >
>>> > > You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
>>> > >
>>> > > You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in
>>> > > 45
>>> > > minutes.
>>> > >
>>> > > Damn, It's Good To Be A Man
>>>

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
> > > enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
> > > (Hardly seems worth it.)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
> > produced
> > > to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
> > > (Now that's more like it!)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
>to
> > > squirt blood 30 feet.
> > > (O.M.G.!)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
> > > (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
> > death.
> > > (Creepy.)
> > > (I'm still not over the pig.)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
> > > (Do not try this at home ... maybe at work.)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
>its
> > > body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
> > > ("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
>jumping
> > the
> > > length of a football field.
> > > (30 minutes... damn lucky pig... can you imagine??)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
> > > (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
> > > (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > Butterflies taste with their feet.
> > > (Something I always wanted to know.)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
> > > (Hmmm... apparently men have something stronger.)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
>left-handed
> > > people.
> > > (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
> > > (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > A cat's urine glows under a black light.
> > > (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> > > (I know some people like that.)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > Star fish have no brains.
> > > (I know some people like that too.)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > Polar bears are left-handed.
> > > (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
> > >
> > > ********************************************************
> > >
> > > Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
> > > (What about that pig??)
> > >
> > >
>
Can you all tell I am cleaning out my email inbox LOL!?!

Given the success of Pfizer and Monsanto's co-marketing agreement for
Celebrex, Pfizer is considering similar arrangements with other consumer
product companies.
Here are the top ten slogans that are being considered for Viagra:
1. BUDWEISER AND VIAGRA
"It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
2. BOUNTY AND VIAGRA
"The quicker pecker upper!"
3. CHEVY AND VIAGRA
"Like a rock!"
4. FEDEX AND VIAGRA
"When it absolutely, positively has to be there TONIGHT."
5. THE ARMY AND VIAGRA
"Be all that you can be."
6. BELL AND VIAGRA
"Reach out and touch someone . . . for at least an hour."
7. SECRET AND VIAGRA
"Strong enough for a man, but MADE for a woman!"
8. BUD LITE AND VIAGRA
"Tastes great! . . . More filling!"
9. GENERAL ELECTRIC AND VIAGRA
"We bring good things to life!"
10. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
"This is your penis . . . This is your penis on drugs."