Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

Rules Of Flying
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.


Slàinte,    

Patch    

Patch;

My Friend: Methinks you missed your calling.


Camac.

PS. There is a reference to you in the poem "Forum"

Those rules, or something similar, were posted on the bulletin board when I was taking lessons to fly for the Civil Air Patrol in Colorado many years ago. They are funny until you break one of the rules. Then the humor exits fast.

Slàinte,   

 Patch    

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice.

The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Bally's."

So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Bally's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

The ball goes round and round. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The voice says, "Oops!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

So this skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer and a mop!"

A father comes home with a big bag of sweets and says to the kids, "I'm going to give these to the person who never talks back to Mommy and always does what they're told. Now who's going to get them?" And the kids reply, "You are!"

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time.


Slàinte,    

Patch    

Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Slàinte,       

Patch    

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Slàinte,       

Patch    

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone that there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton, "his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"

Slàinte,       

Patch    

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blonde explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's scr-wing me."

"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"

Slàinte,       

Patch    

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and
we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished
and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a
pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res
of the Chesescke an a box a choggolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

I hope no one takes offense - This is only a joke.

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French
woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is
using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem
to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

OLD AGE BITES!


I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.


You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?


Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.


Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.


Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?


A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.


Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.


You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.


At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.


Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.



The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.


You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.


You're getting old when your wife gives up fooling around for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.


You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

Slàinte,       

Patch