Help Me! My Brain Has Stopped Working, A place to ask for Poetic help

I didn't know whether to post this here or in Celtic Hearts. If you feel it needs moving, please feel free to do so!

I jsut started a poem and I need help with a rhyme. Here is what I have:

Barabas
By Allen R. Alderman

Were you in the crowd, Barabas,
The day that Jesus died?
Did you see them drive the rusty nails?
Did you hear the mournful cries?
Did you watch in fascination
As they nailed Him to the cross?
Did you think about the life you'd gained
In return for what He lost?

We have a lot in common,
Barabas, you and I,
For on the day He took your place,
He also did take mine (?)

I don't like that last line, but I can't think of anything better! Suggestions?

What do you think of it so far?

Nice piece. I keep hearing lines that end in 'I'
such as :
He did the same for I


not too certain about reusing the same word tho... no

hmmm
looking again
I, sigh, die, my.....
cry...
For me too, did he cry

... Also made my sins to lie.

Just ideas

Ohh, this could probably fit well in either forum IMHO. Perhaps better in Celtic Hearts, but it's iffy I think. I'll leave it for now and see what others think

I love the poem! I never asked myself if Barabas was there.

Ending a poem is such a personal thing it's hard to make a suggestion. I agree you need to say that he took our places as well as Barabas', just how. Hmmm....
I have the same problem. I can write a poem that is OK until the last line and it never is quite right and then it makes the whole piece feel cheesy. I hate that. What you have is good as is, but I agree it could be even better. Notice how I haven't made a suggestion yet?

"For me He too did die?"

Are you familiar with this site? http://www.rhymezone.com/ On the few occasions I try to rhyme, I find this quite valuable.

Good Poem!!

Good luck getting it just the way you want it.

And as to posting it in K&C, I am glad you did, but if you want more input from writers and want it moved to Celtic Hearts, just let me know.

Wiz, that is so beautiful. I too have never contemplated the thought of "where was Barabas" the day Christ was crucified. In answer to your question though, I can't think of an appropriate perfect rhyme to the question. I did however have a neat alternative ending.

We have something in common Barabas
Through centuries we've shared
For on the day that Jesus died
My life was also spared.


I'm no poet, but your poem really spoke to me. Thanks for the blessing.

Thanks for the kind words and suggestions, guys! ( and lady! ) "Barabas" is still a work in progress, and I promise that as soon as I get it done, I'll post it here for you to see!

This does sound more related to the writing itself than the Christian suject matter. It probably would attract more of the appropriate attention in Celtic Hearts. I'll move it for you

Dear brother Allen that is a beautiful poem. I am so glad you posted it, I look forward to seeing the final version. I would just relax and walk away from the poem for the moment and the ending will come to you. Just be ready with pen or pencil in hand to write it down. Some of my poems took days to finish and some I am still working on. So be still and wait and when the ending comes to you be ready. Everything seems to fall into place when you take a small break from it.

Your brother in Christ,

Jim

He also deigned [bowed] [stooped] [died] to take mine.
or
He sacrificed Himself for mine.

How about changing the previous rhyme word perhaps something like

we have a lot in common
the two of us do
for on the day He took your place
He saved my life too.

Thats all I have best of luck

Hi guys!

After a long break from this poem, it nearly wrote itself for me today! I got all but the last four lines! And I'm so excited about it that I just have to share it with you even though its not quite complete! I hope you like it! Let me know what you think, please!

Barabas
By Allen R. Alderman

Were you in the crowd, Barabas,
The day that Jesus died?
Did you watch them drive the rusty nails?
Did you here the mournful cries?
Did you watch in fascination
As they nailed Him to the cross?
Did you think about the life you'd gained
In return for what He'd lost?

We have a lot in common,
Barabas, you and I,
Though oceans separate us
And centuries divide.
It was more than just your place He took
As He hung there on that tree
For on the day He took your place
He also died for me.

I was just as guilty
My sins were just as great
My life was just as worthless
Deserving that same fate
But, Oh! The blood of Jesus,
No other would suffice
Was freely shed upon the cross
To pay sin's deadly price.

I hope that you were there, Barabas,
I truly hope you saw.
And as the sun went dark that day
I hope you stood in awe,
To see so great a love
That was displayed upon that tree,
And knew the King that took your place
Had truly set you free.

Someday, my dear Barabas
I hope your face to see.
We'll dance in jubilation
And we'll sing in victory.
?
?
?
?

Nice Although you've got the wrong word in line 4. need 'hear' not 'here'

Nice piece. I like what you came up with. Well done

Wonderful wizardman


, Promise you'll post in in K&C when you are done?

Absolutely beautiful Wizard ! Thank you for sharing your faith with such talent
It was so touching, it brought tears in my eyes...
Please post the end here too when you finish it, I love poetry

Hello again! Well, I have finished my poem and, as per Elspeth's request, I have posted it over at the Kirk and Chapel under the title Barabas. Check it out and tell me what you think!

I thought this would be easier to have all the Poerty questions and requests for help in here then all over the board. I hope this will make things easier on all of us.