Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[ranger]

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.


The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son. Is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

[ranger]

TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever,
smell one another?

When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or
is it still the same old story?

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar,
the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE
named
for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do
love a
nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the
"Chrysler Beagle"?

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no
human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand
signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do
humans
understand?

More meatballs, less spaghetti, okay?

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I
have to apologize?

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I
must remember in order to be a good dog :
1. I will not eat the cat's food either before, or
after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,
etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an
unacceptable way of saying "hello".

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm
under the coffee table

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before
entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately
drag my butt on the carpet.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room
and lick my crotch when company is present.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy', so when I play
with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P. S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have
my testicles back?

[Patch]

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You are doing well ... only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with the Irish.

Slàinte,   

Patch

[Leelee]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again! She still was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Newfoundlander who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Newfie smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly tree times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

[Leelee]

IDIOT SIGHTINGS - STAY alert! They walk among us... And they REPRODUCE!!

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I
Thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that
Time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4
Horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not."
Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
Crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew
What the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light
Is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
Driving?!" (I believe that was a Blond joke, once)


When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
Discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its
Open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

[Leelee]

Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small Georgia town, there was a big, old pecan
tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the
tree, out of sight of the road, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy.
Meanwhile, several nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed
down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one
for me. One for you, one for me.' He just knew what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend
he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the
souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me...'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still
unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.

Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes
ahead of the boy on the bike.

[Patch]

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Slàinte,   

Patch

[ranger]

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'


The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'


Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.


The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.



'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[mainopsman]

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'

2. On a Continental Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'

3. On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.'

5. 'Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunder storms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.'

8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: 'Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'

9. 'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.'

10. 'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines .'

11. 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

12. 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.'

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: 'Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!'

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines - Just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what you all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew has brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways! '

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine.'


JIM (mainopsman)

[Patch]

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."

"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber.

Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!"

The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.

Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

Slàinte,   

Patch

[Patch]

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman are in a maximum security prison in the U.S, about to do 10 years each in solitary for crimes they didn't commit. One of the Guards takes pity on them and says, "Look lads, I can't get you off the hook, but what I can do as a consolation is give each of you a ten year supply of whatever you want. So what will it be?"

The Englishman says, "Well I love a cup of tea, so I'd like 10 years' worth of tea." The guard obliges and leads the englishman down.

The Scotsman says, "I really like a drink, personally. 10 years' worth of Whiskey would suit me great." The guard gets the Scotsman his whiskey and takes him down to his cell.

The Irishman says, "You know what, I really like a smoke. My wish would be 10 years' worth of cigarettes." His request is granted and he is taken down to do his 10 years.

10 years later the three men are finally released. The Englishman comes out and says to the guard, "Thanks, that supply of tea really helped to get me through. Thanks a lot." Then he leaves.

The Scotsman comes out drunk as a monkey. He walks up to the guard and hugs and thanks him. "Thanks mate, those 10 years went by quick as a flash." He trundles happily off, staggering all over the place.

The Irishman emerges looking terrible. "Have you got a light?", he says.

Slàinte,   

Patch

[Patch]

Genealogy Lesson
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race
appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and
Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made. '
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys
from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl
returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that
you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad
said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered,
'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the
family, and your father told you about his.

Slàinte,   

Patch

[Patch]

The man had finally got around to taking all the broken umbrellas to the repair shop. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to the woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying one.

The woman cried "Stop! Thief!", grabbed her umbrella back and embarrassed the poor man no end!

That same day, he stopped at the repair shop, and received all eight of his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered the street car, with the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold, glaring at him, the lady of his morning's misadventure.

Her voice came to him charged with a withering scorn: "Had a good day, didn't you!"

Slàinte,   

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[Patch]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Slàinte,   

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[Patch]

A young man working at the bowling alley with his
father accidentally overturned a cart full of bowling
balls. John at the snack bar looked over and saw the
boy struggling to right the tipped cart. "Hey Chris,"
the snack bar employee said. "Forget your troubles
for a bit. It's late. Come over here and try some of
these new jalapeno poppers and fries. I'll help you
with that cart after you eat." "That's mighty nice of
you, but Pa won't like that," Chris replied. "Aw, come
on, take a break for a bit," the man at the snack bar
insisted. "Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "But Pa
won't like it." After eating a few of the poppers with
ranch dressing and a huge plate of golden French fries,
Chris thanked the snack bar worker. "I feel a lot better
now, but I just know that Pa will be upset." "Nonsense,"
the cook said. "Where is your pa anyway?"
"Under the cart.

Slàinte,   

Patch