Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[Cabbagehome]

Oh bread you do come up with some cuties.

[aklassie]

This isn't a joke but you'll love this.
I had jury duty today.  After our fist brake we all came back into to courtroom.  The judge comes in and one of the lawers got up to speek.  A few min. later a women comes in from the judge's chambers with a piece of paper and hands it to the judge.  A few min. later he calls out a mans name and tell him his wife called and thier cow is in labor and she doesn't know what to do and he needed to come home.  He was excused from jury duty.

[maggiemahone1]

That works everytime, aklassie!   My husband and I got a good laugh out of that one.  Now we know what to do to get out of jury duty!  

maggiemahone1

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Ak, do you suppose that would work with the family Hamster?

After some of the trials that I've had to sit through in the Philadelphia Federal Court, I would use ANY excuse to get out of it!!!

[MDF3530]

Quote (Gaelic Bread @ April 22 2003,10:02)

Ak, do you suppose that would work with the family Hamster? After some of the trials that I've had to sit through in the Philadelphia Federal Court, I would use ANY excuse to get out of it!!!

You could try it, although you would probably would want to keep an eye out for the men in white coats with butterfly nets, 'cause the judge might think you're certifiable       .

[kyladdie]

I heard a good one today.

It seems that a young man, an old man, and a donkey pulling the wagon were going to a nearby village for supplies. The young man was riding and the older man was walking beside the donkey, when a passer by saw this, he said to the young man: "Shame on you for riding in the wagon, while the old man is walking. You should let the old man rest and ride!"

They switched places and continued toward the village, until another passer by said to the older man: "You should let the young man ride and steer the donkey, for he is stronger than you!'  Again, they switched places, and continued on.

A third man came up to them and scolded both the old and young man by saying that: "They should both ride and let the ass do the work." So they both got on the wagon and rode on.

The journey continued until they were close to the village, when they encountered another man scolded them for making the ass carry too much weight with both of them on the wagon. So they both got off the wagon, and started to carry the ass across the bridge over the river to town.

Well, the men strained to carry the ass across the bridge and when they got halfway across the bridge, the weight of the men and the ass broke the board underneath them! They struggled and somehow the ass fell over the side of the bridge, fell into the current of the river, and drowned.

The moral of this story is:
If you try to please everybody, you are going to end up losing your ass!

[Jimmy Carbomb]

All the brewery Presidents gathered at a convention one day to discuss the business.  Before the meeting started, they all headed for the bar to get a drink.

The President of Anheuser-Busch ordered a Budweiser.

The President of Coors ordered a "Silver Bullet".

The President of Labatt's ordered a "Blue".

The President of Guinness ordered a diet Coke.

When asked why he didn't order a Guinness, He said, "If no one else is going to drink beer... either am I!"

[MDF3530]

Guinness?!? Blech !

[tartangal]

Not close enough to Corona with a slice of lime? Eh Mike!
                       
    Jules

[MDF3530]

Here is what I think the recipe for one pint of Guinness is:

One (1) loaf of bread (wheat or rye)
One (1) quart of motor oil (used)
One (1) wooden bat (baseball or cricket)

Pour motor oil over loaf of bread. Let soak for about a month. Proceed to beat into liquid form with wooden bat.

[Jimmy Carbomb]

I honestly thought you were gonna say: Saturate the bread with the oil, squeeze it over your face and then smack yourself in the skull with the bat... it's quicker than waiting for the hangover.

[MDF3530]

Quote (Gaelic Bread @ April 28 2003,12:19)

I honestly thought you were gonna say: Saturate the bread with the oil, squeeze it over your face and then smack yourself in the skull with the bat... it's quicker than waiting for the hangover.

That'd work too .

[Jimmy Carbomb]

The Setting:  Typical Irish Pub

A guy stumbles up to another guy and offers to buy him a beer.  The second
guy says, "Thanks...Hey, do I know you from somewhere?"

The first guy drains his beer and says, "I dunno, where you from?"

The second guy says, "I'm from Ireland."  "No kidding," says the first guy,
"I'm from Ireland, too."

The second guy says, "Well, I'm from Dublin."  The first guy says, "Holy
moley, I'M FROM DUBLIN, TOO!"

The second guy says, "What school did you go to?  I graduated from St.
Mary's in '69."  "Incredible," says the first, "I graduated from St. Mary's
in '69, too!"

Another guy watching from across the bar says to the bartender, "What's
going on there?"

The bartender says, "Not much...the O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Blind Seamus walks into a store with his seeing-eye-dog.
After awhile, he picks-up the dog by the chain and starts swinging him furiously around his head.
The concerned manager dashes up to Blind Seamus and asks him, "Sir, is there something I can help you with?"
His reply: "No, thank you.  I'm just browsing."

[free2Bme]

ooooooooooooooooooooooh that was BAD!!!