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Celtic Radio Community > Poems > Sink Into The Earth

Posted by: snakeriverust 05-Jun-2006, 09:15 AM

Into the earth creature sinks with all worries left behind
into the dark soil of years past

once he was a noble man but now
he has fallen
creature is the only name he takes and he walks into the forest
into the sinkhole
remnants of a decaying stump infested with rot
the decay accompanies him into the sink
forsaken by mankind he screams one last time
just to hear his own voice again

Posted by: Aaediwen 05-Jun-2006, 05:19 PM

I like the imagry, there's a lot there of a creature similar to the likes of Swamp Thing or Golem. In my opinion, it seems like the wording needs something though. Maybe it's just the flow of it.

Posted by: snakeriverust 06-Jun-2006, 07:55 AM

yeah, i tend to write a lot about this 'creature' character. i've got a few that i like a lot but mostly it tends to be disorganized miserable stuff. I agree, the flow and wording need quite a bit of work.

Posted by: stoirmeil 06-Jun-2006, 08:15 AM

It's interesting, and I wouldn't call it disorganized. The imagery and the mood are pretty coherent actually. Maybe the flow problem is that you're thinking of it in a more prose way, as far as getting the "message" content out. It is actually pretty arresting if you take out the line breaks, punctuate it and just run it like a short paragraph. Do you write stories about this character too?

Posted by: Aaediwen 06-Jun-2006, 08:10 PM

May I suggest a re-write similar to the following:

QUOTE

Into the earth a creature sinks, all worries left behind
into the dark soil of years lost
once was a noble, but now has fallen
'creature' the only name he takes
as he retreats into the forest
into the sinkhole
remnants of a decaying stump infested with rot
the decay accompanies him into the sink
as forsaken by mankind
one last time, he screams
just to hear his own voice again

Probably still would need work from here. But just a suggestion of a route you might take with it.

Posted by: snakeriverust 07-Jun-2006, 08:14 AM

QUOTE

stoirmeil Posted on 06-Jun-2006, 09:15 AM
It's interesting, and I wouldn't call it disorganized. The imagery and the mood are pretty coherent actually. Maybe the flow problem is that you're thinking of it in a more prose way, as far as getting the "message" content out. It is actually pretty arresting if you take out the line breaks, punctuate it and just run it like a short paragraph. Do you write stories about this character too?

Thanks for the comments, I like your ideas. I always try to write stories, but for some reason ( I feel it's Bukowski's fault, haha ) I have a hard time writing clear thought out stories that don't seem to come from a person that is 'falling apart', if that makes any sense. I like to make it somewhat disorganized or 'desperate' for some reason. I have written another paragraph a few months ago that I'll copy to this board after I get out of work. And I'm joking about the Bukowski thing, haha. He gets the utmost respect from me!

and Aaediwen, thanks! I like the suggestion a lot. It brings out more ideas for my writing in general; more thought into the placement and layout of the lines.

Ah, I'm getting tired of writing one sentence, then minimizing, working for a bit, etc.. makes me forget the what I was writing about.. So that's why this is weird and rushed.

Thanks again, both of you!

Posted by: Aaediwen 07-Jun-2006, 05:13 PM

QUOTE (snakeriverust @ 07-Jun-2006, 09:14 AM)

Ah, I'm getting tired of writing one sentence, then minimizing, working for a bit, etc.. makes me forget the what I was writing about.. So that's why this is weird and rushed.

Thanks again, both of you!

That's why I am of the mindset that any interruption in the middle of a first draft is a bad thing. I've had it totally kill pieces before. I remember one time in perticular. I had this really nice poem in the works. Someone slamed a door on me in the middle of it, and ever since that moment, all I've remembered about the poem is an autumn leaf. I still lament the loss of that one.

Once the first draft is in place though, the idea is there. subsequent drafts can (and some should) be taken one line at a time.