 Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| shuggieduggie |
Posted on: 02-Apr-2008, 02:01 PM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 175,242
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After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the 'king' of them all. Give me a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I. 
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #241597 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| shuggieduggie |
Posted on: 21-Mar-2008, 04:39 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 175,242
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A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.
The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #239655 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| shuggieduggie |
Posted on: 06-Mar-2008, 01:46 PM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 175,242
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,’ How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #236275 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| shuggieduggie |
Posted on: 26-Feb-2008, 02:48 PM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 175,242
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Having reached the age of 60, I went to apply for Canada Pension last week.
After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter.
The clerk requested the necessary papers to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay,that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom.
I told the Lady that I was sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
'I'll have to go get it and come back later', I said.
At that point, she said to me, 'Unbutton your shirt.'
Although confused, I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Canada Pension Office.
She listened to the whole story and then said..... You should have dropped your pants; you might have gotten disability, too.
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #233856 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| shuggieduggie |
Posted on: 19-Feb-2008, 02:37 PM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 175,242
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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by Jesus, I thought I was
going to drop dead on that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from bloody skipping", replied the Irishman. |
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #232441 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| shuggieduggie |
Posted on: 16-Feb-2008, 03:04 PM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 175,242
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The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?' |
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #232082 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| shuggieduggie |
Posted on: 05-Dec-2007, 07:49 AM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 175,242
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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #221031 |
Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
| shuggieduggie |
Posted on: 02-Dec-2007, 02:25 PM |
Replies: 3,156
Views: 175,242
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?" |
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Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! · Post Preview: #220402 |
| shuggieduggie |
Posted on: 01-Oct-2007, 12:21 PM |
Replies: 15
Views: 12,288
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1. Men are like .. Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like . Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like . Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like . Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like . Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. |
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Forum: The Jester's Court · Post Preview: #209078 |
| shuggieduggie |
Posted on: 28-Sep-2007, 03:25 PM |
Replies: 584
Views: 63,531
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everytime i go for a walk around where i stay, it's not the most beautiful of scenery, but its home for me
when was the last time you really put your foot in it
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Forum: Fun N Games · Post Preview: #208843 |
| shuggieduggie |
Posted on: 28-Sep-2007, 03:23 PM |
Replies: 4,232
Views: 128,393
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false, but i live in hope
you feel you are underpaid for the work you do |
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Forum: Fun N Games · Post Preview: #208842 |
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