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> Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty
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flora 
Posted: 20-Jun-2009, 06:26 PM
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
Well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
The farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
Well needed to be covered up anyway;
It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
Help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
To shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
Donkey realized what was happening and cried
Horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
Quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
Looked down the well. He was astonished at what
He saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
Back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
Dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
Off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
Stepped up over the edge of the well and
Happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
Of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
Is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
Our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
Of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
Never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.


NOW ............

Enough of that crap . The donkey later came back,
And bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
The farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
Your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

You have two choices...smile and close this
Page, or pass this along to someone else to
Spread the fun...

Flora


--------------------
"Nature always wears the colors of the spirit." -
Ralph Waldo Emerson


Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
K. Gibran


In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.
John Muir


"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."
John Muir
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nbailey 
Posted: 21-Jun-2009, 02:20 PM
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These two out of state hunters were hunting in Montana and had the good fortune to bag a nice buck deer. They had been dragging the deer for about an hour when they were approached by a game warden. The warden asked to see their hunting licenses and all was in order. After conversing for a few moments, the game warden said to them, "I noticed you were gragging the deer by the hind legs. You are pulling against the grain of the hair by doing that. Now if you drag by the antlers, you will be pulling with the grain of the hair and it will drag much easier". The two hunters thanked him for the advise and stated pulling by the antlers. They found it was much easier and after an hour, the two hunters stopped, looked at each other and one said to the other, "Ya know, that game warden, he ain`t so smart, we are right back where we started"!
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nbailey 
Posted: 21-Jun-2009, 03:33 PM
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Every day for about a week, I would go to a local lake, get in my boat and motor to the far end. Every day upon returning to the dock, a game warden friend would greet me and asked to see my catch. I had my limit of large fish every day and he was amazed by that. Finally one day he asked me how I was so successful and what kind of bait I was using. I told him if he would like to see, he could go out with me the next day. So, the next morning we met at the dock and motored to the far end of the lake. I stopped the boat, reached into my tackle box and pulled out a stick of dynamite. His eyes got real large and asked me what I was going to do with that. I lit the fuse and threw it into the lake. BOOM! A large bunch of fish floated to the top and I scooped up my limit and put them in the boat. He could not believe his eyes and told me that was illegal and friend or not, he was going to arrest me and write up a healthy fine. I told him ya have to do what you have to do. About that time, I reach into my tackle box and pull out another stick of dynamite. I light it and handed it to him and said "Well, you going fishing or what"!
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Tatanka 
Posted: 21-Jun-2009, 07:25 PM
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HeHe Yee gota love a good hunting or fishing joke/
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Tatanka 
Posted: 21-Jun-2009, 07:53 PM
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Lady Leelee, That joke smelled up the Pub a bit. Some fresh air please. Gag!
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Leelee 
Posted: 22-Jun-2009, 11:19 AM
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QUOTE
Tatanka Posted on 21-Jun-2009, 06:53 PM
  Lady Leelee, That joke smelled up the Pub a bit. Some fresh air please. Gag!



rolleyes.gif Funny that rolleyes.gif


--------------------
Slàinte!

Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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karenrah 
Posted: 23-Jun-2009, 05:08 AM
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Inventions
There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchildren of the Kerry man who was history's unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn't bad enough, look at other things he produced:

An inflatable dartboard

A chocolate kettle

A soluble life-raft

A self-righting aspirin

A solar-powered torch
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karenrah 
Posted: 23-Jun-2009, 05:12 AM
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Snakes n Lawyers
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice
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flora 
Posted: 23-Jun-2009, 08:32 AM
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A JERSEY Wife"

Three men married wives from different cities.

The first man married a woman from Tulsa . He told her that she was
to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but
on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed
and put away.

The second man married a woman from Boise . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from New Jersey . He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hotmeals
on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

Flora
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XenaWarrior 
Posted: 25-Jun-2009, 12:13 AM
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More good jokes please. I haven`t been getting any in e-mail for a long time. As soon as I do I`ll post them for you.
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Briana1970 
Posted: 25-Jun-2009, 09:52 AM
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How to ask a Man to do Something:

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes.

6. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

7. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."
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Briana1970 
Posted: 25-Jun-2009, 09:53 AM
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oops.gif That would be seven points..... laugh.gif
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Briana1970 
Posted: 25-Jun-2009, 09:58 AM
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Comebacks for Pickup Lines


Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

I've used some of these before thumbs_up.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif You should see the look on their face laugh.gif laugh.gif
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Dogshirt 
Posted: 25-Jun-2009, 08:12 PM
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QUOTE
How to ask a Man to do Something:

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes.

6. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

7. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."



NONE of which will get ANYTHING done that you want! biggrin.gif


beer_mug.gif


--------------------
Hoka Hey!
The more Liberals I meet, the more I like my dogs!
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TheCarolinaScotsman 
Posted: 25-Jun-2009, 09:55 PM
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2,147,483,647 Gold!






QUOTE (Dogshirt @ 25-Jun-2009, 09:12 PM)
QUOTE
How to ask a Man to do Something:

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes.

6. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

7. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."



NONE of which will get ANYTHING done that you want! biggrin.gif


beer_mug.gif

I'm thinking about taking a look at the job list I was given in 1976.


--------------------
TheCarolinaScotsman


Ya'll drive safe and come back soon.
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