Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,
with some kind of wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood , breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
to his Walkman.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Scroll down to see what's under the Kilt.
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what's under the Kilt.

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of
stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this
explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

American Can

Interstate Water

National Gas Company

Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your
American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.

You may also be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom
today, and millions were wiped clean.

It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Fellow 1 : "Now my neigbor, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

Slàinte,    

Patch     

Patch;

You topped off my day.

Camac.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you
would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.

Slàinte,    

Patch         

Two emails are now being sent all over the Internet that people are advised not to open. The first claims to be nude pictures of Sarah Palin. Do not open, this email contains a virus. The other claims to be nude pictures of Hilary Clinton. Do not open, this email is real!

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Happy Headlines

English is a marvelously flexible language, much to the chagrin of Headline Writers everywhere. If any of these headlines seem reasonable, try reading it again in a slightly different way.

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Stud Tires Out
9. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
10. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
11. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
12. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
13. Eye Drops Off Shelf
14. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
15. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
16. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
17. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
18. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
19. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
20. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
21. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
22. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
23. Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
24. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
25. Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000
26. '84 War Dims Hope for Peace
27. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Happy Headlines - Part II

English is a marvelously flexible language, much to the chagrin of Headline Writers everywhere. If any of these headlines seem reasonable, try reading it again in a slightly different way.

1. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
2. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
3. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
4. Deer Kill 17,000
5. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetary; Hundreds Dead
6. Man Struck by Lightening Faces Battery Charge
7. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
8. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
9. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
10. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
11. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
12. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
13. Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
14. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
15. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
16. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
17. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
18. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
19. Air Head Fired
20. Steals Clock; Faces Time
21. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
22. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
23. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
24. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
25. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold a Auction
26. Sex Education Delayed; Teachers Request Training
27. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

I needed those tonight! Thanks

Slainte,    

Patch    

I am glad to lift your spirits, Patch Take care

Sometimes I think Maxine should run for president -- she was right on with this one!

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately -- illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ..

Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Yes!

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal ' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians .. it creates a hostile work environment.

Also, think about this .. if you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

It is time for America to speak up!

Yep, I passed it on!

Flora

flora;
Excellent. Maxine should be Crowned President immediately.

As to tracking the cow that was easy as it has a brand and an ear tag. Maybe we should do the same to illegal immigrants when they are caught and sent home. We can't of course as it would be considered a violation of Human Rights. B/S.


Camac.

PS. We have the same problems up here with illegals.