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Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty
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Camac |
Posted: 30-Sep-2008, 05:03 PM
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QUOTE (Patch @ 30-Sep-2008, 05:00 PM) | Fellow 1 : "Now my neigbor, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."
Slàinte,
Patch |
Patch; You topped off my day. Camac.
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Patch  |
Posted: 03-Oct-2008, 05:50 AM
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Celtic Guardian
       
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 7,710
Joined: 22-Dec-2002
Zodiac: Ivy
Realm: America, Mid West



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If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.
But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
Slàinte,
Patch
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Leelee  |
Posted: 06-Oct-2008, 08:13 AM
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Lady Leleanda - Mystic Dreamer

Group: Fellowship of the Ring
Posts: 6,338
Joined: 05-Mar-2008
Zodiac: Ivy
Realm: Alberta, Canada



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John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
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Leelee  |
Posted: 06-Oct-2008, 12:56 PM
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Lady Leleanda - Mystic Dreamer

Group: Fellowship of the Ring
Posts: 6,338
Joined: 05-Mar-2008
Zodiac: Ivy
Realm: Alberta, Canada



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Happy Headlines
English is a marvelously flexible language, much to the chagrin of Headline Writers everywhere. If any of these headlines seem reasonable, try reading it again in a slightly different way.
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Stud Tires Out 9. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 10. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over 11. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 12. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 13. Eye Drops Off Shelf 14. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 15. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 16. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 17. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe 18. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 19. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 20. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 21. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 22. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 23. Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 24. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One 25. Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000 26. '84 War Dims Hope for Peace 27. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
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flora  |
Posted: 08-Oct-2008, 09:21 AM
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Celtic Guardian
       
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 896
Joined: 18-Jul-2006
Zodiac: Ash
Realm: Tangerine, Florida



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Sometimes I think Maxine should run for president -- she was right on with this one!
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately -- illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ..
Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.
* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. * Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees. * Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Yes!
Think about this: 1. Cows 2. The Constitution 3. The Ten Commandments
COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. THE CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal ' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians .. it creates a hostile work environment.
Also, think about this .. if you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!
It is time for America to speak up!
Yep, I passed it on!
Flora
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"Nature always wears the colors of the spirit." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
K. Gibran
In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks. John Muir
"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves." John Muir
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Camac |
Posted: 08-Oct-2008, 09:31 AM
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flora; Excellent. Maxine should be Crowned President immediately.
As to tracking the cow that was easy as it has a brand and an ear tag. Maybe we should do the same to illegal immigrants when they are caught and sent home. We can't of course as it would be considered a violation of Human Rights. B/S.
Camac.
PS. We have the same problems up here with illegals.
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