Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

I hear Karl Rove loves pulling this one on his boss !

How to dress for your trip to Scotland

I hear Karl Rove loves pulling this one on his boss !

Dub Ya ! YEA!

I will not comment , but yes!

Here's one for the ladies...enjoy!





The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.

With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. Then, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one

heart stopping moment, she thought, "It?s too big!-it will never fit!"

Then with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And she knew it wouldn?t be long before she returned. Oh yes, this woman would want more, she would want to do it again and again and again.....



Don?t you just love shopping for shoes!!!!.

Lily O'

Moshe Reads an Arab Newspaper

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.

"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

Husband and Wife



To: "My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight."



When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:



"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18... Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

hehe! Is that considered a fair trade?

I'm fairly new to the boards, I hope this one hasn't been told...

After the world beer convention in London, some of the world's brewery owners go out to the pub for drinks.

A representative from Mexico goes up to the bar and says "Bring me a Corona, the best beer in the world." The bartender brushes the dust off a bottle and hands it over.

A representative from the US says "Bring me a Budweiser, the King of Beers" so the bartender opens a bottle and passes it over.

A representative from Australia is next, and says "Bring me a Fosters, Australian for beer," and the bartender complies.

Finally the rep from Ireland is up. "I'll have a coke," he tells the bartender.

The Australian turns to him and says, "We're all drinking our own brands, why aren't you having a Guiness?"

The Irishman replies "I figured sense none of you are drinking beer, neither would I."

Hee hee. That's one's always funny.


So this skeleton walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer and a mop."

and:

Two Vikings were trudging up the cold, rainy beach beginning an invasion of Britain. The younger one was on his first raid, and he asked: "So, what's it like here?" The older Viking looked up into the sky and snarled: "Well, if you like the weather, you'll LOVE the food.":

MEN vs. WOMEN

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
$20, even though the bill's only for $42.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the ladies get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of those items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY...

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

An Irish Joke
>
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly
with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting
the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the
best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

Here's to spending the rest of me life Between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said,

"Here's to spending the rest of me life
Sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on
the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John
won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself!
You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He
stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling
the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him
and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely, although at that
moment he did not happen to remember that psalm. He forced himself
to remove his hand.

Changing gears, temptation got the best of him and he let his hand slide up her leg
again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful
glance and went on her way.

Up on his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to looke up
Psalm 129 to find out what it said. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

"When you make a deli sandwich,
pile the coldcuts high!
Customers should see salami
COMIN' THROUGH THE RYE!!!"

Alan Sherman

Why We Love Children

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't
move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!'"


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug."I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
sissy."


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl
replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,"Yes, and my Mom says
it's a **TOS VIOLATION** to iron."


6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She
said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy
has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing
in your butt?"


7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a **TOS VIOLATION** is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a **TOS VIOLATION** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a **TOS VIOLATION** is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy #@&%! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."



10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"



11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Kids are so funny.

Whoops! Sorry about the TOS violations.