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Dogshirt 
Posted: 25-Mar-2008, 07:15 PM
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biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Hoka Hey!
The more Liberals I meet, the more I like my dogs!
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blackcloud1129 
Posted: 27-Mar-2008, 09:11 AM
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The Monument

I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise
$5,000,000 for a monument of Hillary R. Clinton. We originally wanted
to put her on Mount Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough
room for her two faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C.
Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be
placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George
Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J.
Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the
difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the
greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was
going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He
returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone
else's money.

Thank you, Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee
P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.



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Dogshirt 
Posted: 28-Mar-2008, 12:35 AM
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laugh.gif better than the last one, better still because it's SO true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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blackcloud1129 
Posted: 31-Mar-2008, 08:09 AM
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> Bunny and the snake
>
>
> ----- One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and
> tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little
> nose.
>
> 'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you,
> but
> I'm blind and can't see.'

> 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my
> fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you
> coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
>
> 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never
> seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
>
> So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft,
> and
> cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little Fluffy tail and a dear
> twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
>
>
> The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of
> animal are you?'

> The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
> examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well,
> what
> kind of an animal am I?'
>
>
> The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'you?re cold,
> you're
> slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN
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blackcloud1129 
Posted: 02-Apr-2008, 08:50 AM
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A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'



The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
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shuggieduggie 
Posted: 02-Apr-2008, 03:01 PM
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After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the 'king' of them all. Give me a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I. beer_mug.gif

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valpal59 
Posted: 03-Apr-2008, 10:30 AM
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user posted imageuser posted imageuser posted image

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart.

You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."

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Rindy 
Posted: 03-Apr-2008, 11:45 AM
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That was so funny & true...lol....made my day Valpal...thanks for posting this.

Slainte
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maisky 
Posted: 04-Apr-2008, 07:07 AM
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.


--------------------
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."
Carl Sagan
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maisky 
Posted: 04-Apr-2008, 07:19 AM
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his
> > advice in reviving her husband's libido.
> > 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.>
> > 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'>
> > 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
> > It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even
> > taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
> > went.'>
> > It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly
> > inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith,
> > bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'>
> > 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.>
> > 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
> > effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle
> > in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of
> > his arm, he sent me cup flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
> > took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a
> > nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'>
> > 'Why was it so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
> > your husband provided wasn't good?'>
> > 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin
> > here, I'll never be able to show me face in that Starbucks again!'
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valpal59 
Posted: 04-Apr-2008, 10:16 AM
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shuggieduggie 
Posted: 11-Apr-2008, 09:32 AM
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maisky thumbs_up.gif biggrin.gif
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ranger 
Posted: 11-Apr-2008, 10:39 AM
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Hope this one isn't too "over the line"......

THE VIBRATOR.......



AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE
BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER
DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE

ASKED:



WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"



THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO
AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."



THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.



UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE
TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER
SAID:



"DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS
I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."



A COUPLE DAY S LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING
FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.



SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,
DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM
ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.



THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"



THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."





--------------------
"...so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

'The Lord of the Rings' - Book one
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Leelee 
Posted: 11-Apr-2008, 01:12 PM
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--------------------
Slàinte!

Truth in our hearts. Strength in our hands. Consistency in our tongues.

Beauty is not just all around us, but within us....

"Mo nighean donn," he whispered, "Mo chridhe. My brown lass, my heart. Come to me. Cover me. Shelter me, a bhean, heal me. Burn with me, as I burn for you."(Fiery Cross Quote)
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Patch 
Posted: 19-Apr-2008, 12:00 PM
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Thought this was appropriate for April. I hope it isn't a repeat.

Flannel or Negligee?


A man, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."

Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son! Either way, the results will be the same..."

Slàinte,    

Patch
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