Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

Proof men have better friends


Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two
said that he was still there.

i've always believed men think a little faster on their feet than we poor women.

How Blonde Was She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M& M's in alphabetical order
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.


The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by Jesus, I thought I was
going to drop dead on that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from bloody skipping", replied the Irishman.

LOL made my day shuggieduggie

Slainte

my pleasure as always

Having reached the age of 60, I went to apply for Canada Pension last week.
After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter.
The clerk requested the necessary papers to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay,that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom.
I told the Lady that I was sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
'I'll have to go get it and come back later', I said.
At that point, she said to me, 'Unbutton your shirt.'
Although confused, I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Canada Pension Office.
She listened to the whole story and then said..... You should have dropped your pants; you might have gotten disability, too.

I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.





Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.




Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!





Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.






Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"



A ND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCL USION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.


She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,’ How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

An Irishman is walking down his street when he sees the local politician walking his pet duck. The Irishman strides up and says "Excuse me, isn't there a law about walking Turkeys in the town?" The politician is taken aback by this question and replies "Sir that is no turkey, it is a duck." The Irishman says"Excuse me but I was talking to the Duck!"

Hillary's Future



After Bill had spent several days campaigning for her and lost his temper many times, costing her votes, and finally escaping from her overly controlling campaign manager for the evening, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year just after you lose the election." Then, the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary.

Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single
flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know.

She looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her the big question:

"Will I be acquitted?"

A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.

The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Three blondes died, and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He
told them that before they could enter the kingdom of heaven they had to
tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast
and everybody gives thanks and eats turkey.

St. Peter said, "NOOOOOO!" and banished her.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "NOOOOOO!", and banished her.

The third blonde said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides
with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover Feast
with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas and the Romans arrested
him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they
buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."

St. Peter said, "Very Good!"



Then the blonde continued, "Now every year they roll away the boulder
and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of
basketball."



St. Peter fainted