Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'S#it,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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And I love this one from Gore.....

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
-- Dan Quayle ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

A man owned a small ranch in Montana . The Montana Work Force Department
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to
interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the
agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3
years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free
room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He
also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher

Hi Leelee,

That's just the way it is. Everbody assign other priorties...

Ingo

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired
mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in
town to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the
hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust
from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped
out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of
whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No,
I never did dance, -- just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned
and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,"
and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector
in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated
was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and
everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger,
still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go
back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule,
pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both
hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried
clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young
gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around
very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the
old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun
never wavered in the old man's hands.

The old man said, "Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've
always wanted to."

There are two lessons for us all:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

I just love a story with a happy ending

As he addressed his new students, the professor said, "...And this class shall start at the stroke of 9:00."

From the back of the Lecture Hall came: "The first stroke, or the last stroke, Sir?"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

>REDNECK FARM KID in the Marine Corps>>Dear Ma and Pa>I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the>Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to>join up quick before all of the places are filled.>I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6>a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all>you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No>hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.>Practically nothing.>Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast>is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.,>but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie>and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by>the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds>you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys>can't walk much.>We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long>walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him>different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.>Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.>The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is>like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and>frown. They don't bother you none.>This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting>medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as>big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you>like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all>comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They>come in boxes.>Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to>wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they>break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.>I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from>over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once... He joined up the same>time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near>300 pounds dry.>Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers>get onto this setup and come stampeding in.>

Your loving daughter,>
Alice

CDC WARNING!!

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a> highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted> orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from> your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.> If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and> WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

.........Being an Army veteran, I love yours, maisky.

A Bar Tale

A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking The first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.

He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and Says, "She is a horse's ass too!"

Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the Face,
knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama Country?"

"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."

Good one, ranger

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

The Confessional Booth

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the dunk yells out… “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper over here either!”

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.