Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[Robert Phoenix]

That was good. But not as funny as the fact that I graduated from NMU in Marquette. Our diocese celbrates 150 years this Sunday. Womnder if the bear will be there. I hope he doesn't show up bear naked! Wonder if they still have that albino deer up there in the park.

What do you call someone who keeps jumping into a fire?

Flame retarded

[ballydun]

A SWEET STORY ABOUT ITALIAN COOKIES

This is for all the Italians out there, and those who are lucky enough to
be married to an Italian, and even to all the friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian
anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining
strength, he lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled
downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were if not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife............

"Get out of here!" she shouted, "They're for the funeral."

[blackcloud1129]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating"

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....


"Only when he's been drinking."



WIFE FROM HELL

[blackcloud1129]

>>A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
> and
>>spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse
>>me,
> can
>>you help me? I promised a friend I would meet
>>
>>him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
>> > >> The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
>>approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
> degrees
>>north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
>>
>> > >>longitude."
>> > >> "You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
>> > >> "I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"
>> > >> "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
> probably
>>technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information
> and
>>the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at
all.
> If
>>anything, you've delayed my trip."
>>
>> > >> The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
>> > >> "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
>> > >> "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where
> you're
>>going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
> air.
>>You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
> people
>>beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you
>>
>>are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
>>somehow, it's my bloody fault!"

[blackcloud1129]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
~~~
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egoti sts: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it me -- or do buffalo wings taste like chic

[Robert Phoenix]

The Wedding Night

David was going to be married to Jenn, so his father sat him down for a
little chat. He said, "David, let me tell you something. On my wedding
night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your
mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too
big I can't wear them.' I replied, "Exactly I wear the pants in this
family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any
problems.

"Hmmm," said David. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On
his honeymoon, David took off his pants and said to Jenn, "Here, try
these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They
don't fit me." David said, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jenn took off her pants and handed them to David. She said, "Here,
you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Jenn
said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you
never will."

They lived happily ever after

[shuggieduggie]

apologies if this has already been posted

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman shouts :- " Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn "

( Translated: Don't drink the water, it's full of cow dung.)


The man shouts back

"I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".

The Scottish man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

[blackcloud1129]

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?", he asked the second man.

"Hmmm...let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of"

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already messed my pants."


Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!....

Have a good day!!

[blackcloud1129]

> Pregnancy Q & A
>
> Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
> A: No, 35 children is enough.
> Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
> A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
> Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
> A: Childbirth.
> Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
> sometimes she's borderline irrational.
> A: So what's your question?
> Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
> pressure. Is she right?
> A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
> Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
> A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
> Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
> labor?
> A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
> Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
> A: Yes, pregnancy.
> Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
> A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
> Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
> normal again?
> A: When the kids are in college.
>
> 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES
>
> 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
> 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
> 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
> 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
> 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
> says: 'How's my driving - call 1- 800-'.
> 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
> 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space'.
> 8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
> 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
> 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
>
> TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
>
> 10. Cats' facial expressions.
> 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
> 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
> 7. Fat clothes.
> 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
> 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
> 4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
> 3. Eyelash curlers.
> 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
>
> and the number One Number One thing only women understand
> 1. OTHER WOMEN

[shuggieduggie]

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. 'Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered. He whispered back, 'I found the remote.'

[shuggieduggie]

Baptizing a Drunk...

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have
you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits' end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,







"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[ballydun]

[Rindy]

LOL.............. Those are funny!! I'm still laughing over the baptism one.

Slainte

[maggiemahone1]

hubby got this one in an email!!!
> The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
>qualified for the job.
> "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in
>picking lemons?"
> "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced
>three times."

maggiemahone1

[blackcloud1129]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that chick knows I'm smarter than her