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karenrah Posted on: 29-Jun-2009, 07:09 PM

Replies: 3,156
Views: 171,630
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Try to remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares even less, tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip


to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the

hairdresser, who responded, ' Rome ? Why would anyone want to go

there? It's horribly expensive, terribly overcrowded and awfully

dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?'

'We're taking Continental,' she replied, 'We got a great rate!'

'Continental?' exclaimed the hairdresser. 'That's a terrible

airline! Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude

and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?'

'We're going to stay at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's

Tiber River called 'Teste'.'

'Don't go any further. I know that place! Everybody thinks it's

going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump;

the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is

surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'

'We're going to go to see the Vatican and hopefully see the Pope.'

'That's rich!' laughed the hairdresser. 'You, and a //million//

other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Bless your heart . . . it really sounds as if it's going to be a

miserable trip.'

A month later, the woman again came into the hairdresser's shop. The

hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

'It was wonderful!' exclaimed the woman. 'Not only was the flight on

time; we were on one of Continental's brand new 777's. As luck

would have it, coach was overbooked so they bumped us up to Business

First. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a

handsome steward named Joe-Dan who waited on me hand and foot. Then

we got to the hotel, and it was was great! They'd just finished a $5

million restoration and now it's a jewel; the finest hotel in the

city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us

their owner's suite at no extra charge!

'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I

know you didn't get to see the Pope.'

'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican a

Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope

likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step

into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door

and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.'

'Oh really? What did he say?'

He said, 'Where'd you get the shitty haircut?'
  Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night!  ·  Post Preview: #282816

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karenrah Posted on: 23-Jun-2009, 04:12 AM

Replies: 3,156
Views: 171,630
Snakes n Lawyers
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice
  Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night!  ·  Post Preview: #282667

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karenrah Posted on: 23-Jun-2009, 04:08 AM

Replies: 3,156
Views: 171,630
Inventions
There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchildren of the Kerry man who was history's unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn't bad enough, look at other things he produced:

An inflatable dartboard

A chocolate kettle

A soluble life-raft

A self-righting aspirin

A solar-powered torch
  Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night!  ·  Post Preview: #282666

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karenrah Posted on: 19-Jun-2009, 05:05 AM

Replies: 3,156
Views: 171,630
2) Digging a Hole
A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

'Tell me, 'said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'

'Well, 'said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole.

Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'
  Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night!  ·  Post Preview: #282548

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karenrah Posted on: 18-Jun-2009, 09:49 AM

Replies: 3,156
Views: 171,630

Choo Choo

paddy english man irish & scots are on a train compartment together with a hot babe & an old dear. the train goes through a tunnel.........SMACK!!!!!!!! train emerges from tunnel paddy english man has been decked is on the floor holding his smacked puss. Hot babe thinks "he just felt up the old dear thinking it was me & she decked him". Old dear thinks "he just felt up that young girl & she decked him ". Paddy irish man thinks "I cant wait til the next tunnel so i can smack that english bollix again"
  Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night!  ·  Post Preview: #282535

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karenrah Posted on: 18-Jun-2009, 07:54 AM

Replies: 3,156
Views: 171,630
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
  Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night!  ·  Post Preview: #282530

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karenrah Posted on: 16-Jun-2009, 11:47 AM

Replies: 3,156
Views: 171,630
Subject: The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.




Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.



Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..
  Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night!  ·  Post Preview: #282476

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karenrah Posted on: 04-Jun-2009, 04:45 AM

Replies: 3,156
Views: 171,630
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU ' RE OLD AND DONT MOVE FAST ANYMORE.



George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.



George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.



He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.



George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.



"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.



Within five minute s three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.



One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"



George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

  Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night!  ·  Post Preview: #282096

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karenrah Posted on: 02-Jun-2009, 05:48 AM

Replies: 3,156
Views: 171,630
CDC WARNING!!

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a> highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted> orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from> your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.> If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and> WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately
  Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night!  ·  Post Preview: #282008

karenrah Posted on: 20-Apr-2009, 05:49 AM

Replies: 11
Views: 1,045
Your wish is granted. Thanks to my husband's (Maisky) insistence on peaceful coexistence and very quiet sinking of ships, he is now king.
  Forum: Medieval Kingdom  ·  Post Preview: #280078

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karenrah Posted on: 15-Apr-2009, 04:57 AM

Replies: 3,156
Views: 171,630
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES. '
You must now refer to them as:

APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS .


And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
(Loved this one!)

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. '

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'previously enjoyed COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. '

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6 . It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'


  Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night!  ·  Post Preview: #279816

No New Posts Pinned: Pub humour (Pages 1 2 3 ...211 )
karenrah Posted on: 15-Apr-2009, 04:49 AM

Replies: 3,156
Views: 171,630
Subject: The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.




Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.



Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

  Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night!  ·  Post Preview: #279815

karenrah Posted on: 12-Apr-2009, 05:30 AM

Replies: 81
Views: 11,735
My belief in god depends on how you define "god". I am a Nicherin Buddhist. I have a firm belief in the Mystic Law of the Universe. I activate this law in my own life and use it to influence my life and the universe around me by chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. Why? Because it works. I don't view the Mystic Law as a person or being. It simply is. I don't claim to understand it, it is mystic (duh). The results of my practice are concrete and readily repeated. So, my faith in the Mystic Law is real and will continue to be my philosophical base.

I don't disparage anybody else's beliefs.
  Forum: Philosophy & Science  ·  Post Preview: #279614

karenrah Posted on: 09-Apr-2009, 09:49 AM

Replies: 47
Views: 6,776
I grew up on the beach (Manhattan Beach) in CA. I remember Mr. Greenjeans on Captain Kangaroo.
  Forum: Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night!  ·  Post Preview: #279337

karenrah Posted on: 08-Apr-2009, 05:17 AM

Replies: 11
Views: 1,866
I don't drink beer, but my husband, Maisky used to be a "huge" beer fan. Since he was diagnosed as diabetic last June (he quit all alcohol immediatly) he has lost 60 pounds. He misses his fine beers a lot. So, those of you who can still drink beer, please raise a glass for Maisky.
  Forum: Drinks  ·  Post Preview: #279259

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karenrah Posted on: 06-Apr-2009, 04:59 AM

Replies: 22
Views: 1,295
Hello, I am new to the CR forums. I have the dubious honor of being Maisky's owner. He is a my pet engineer. He is also between projects and has not worked since December. He is driving me crazy! Oh well. Such is life in the big city.
  Forum: Introductions  ·  Post Preview: #279074

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