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LadyOfAvalon 
Posted: 04-Oct-2007, 05:36 PM
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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel,
do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered,"I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know
where to find my hearing aid."

wheelchair.gif wheelchair.gif wheelchair.gif wheelchair.gif wheelchair.gif wheelchair.gif


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned
and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh-- he always was." wink.gif


--------------------
"Few men are brave:many become so through training and discipline."
Flavius Vegetius Renatus

"I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strenght to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles."
Christopher Reeve
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pflanary 
Posted: 05-Oct-2007, 11:37 AM
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Love that first joke--I'll have to remember it to tell my friends who are also audiologists.


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God then made man. The Italians for their beauty. The French for their cuisine. The Welsh for their voices. The Germans for their cars. And on and on until He looked at what He had created and said, "This is all very well, but no-one is having fun. I'll have to make an Irishman."
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valpal59 
Posted: 05-Oct-2007, 02:14 PM
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lol.gif


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"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart.

You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."

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TandVh 
Posted: 05-Oct-2007, 05:03 PM
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Us old geezers can be very funny sometimes!!


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TandVh
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stoirmeil 
Posted: 05-Oct-2007, 06:45 PM
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This is a joke I once told my grandma, who used to say gloomy things about being old and useless, and she chased me all over the house with her cane yelling "Goddamn kid! Goddamn kid!" smile.gif


There was a little old lady who was terribly depressed, and she decided it just wasn't worth it any more, and she wanted to end it all. So she got out her husband's old service revolver that he taught her how to use, in case of burglars, and cleaned it and loaded it. But then she thought, "I'm not really sure which side my heart is on."

So she went to see her doctor and said, "Doc? Where's my heart?"
"Why?" he asked, alarmed. "Do you have a pain?"
"No, I don't have a pain. I just want to know where it is."
Old crank, he thought, and said, "It's about an inch below your left breast."

So she went home and shot herself in the knee.
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LadyOfAvalon 
Posted: 05-Oct-2007, 07:32 PM
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lol...talk about gravity and its effect on human skin jawdrop.gif

Here another funny one.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" huh.gif
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TheCarolinaScotsman 
Posted: 05-Oct-2007, 11:21 PM
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Switching from old ladies for a minute, I have to admit that just a few years ago (OK, almost 40 years ago), I thought a senior moment was the day I got my class ring.


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Robert Phoenix 
Posted: 06-Oct-2007, 06:37 PM
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Quote-Mabel answered,"I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know
where to find my hearing aid."

With a little positioning you can pick up cell phone transmissions on the freeway. rolleyes.gif


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Pour mouth to mouth
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mainopsman 
Posted: 08-Dec-2007, 02:42 PM
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German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered
small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a
long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans,
25,000 years ago, had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily
impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even
deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass,
and they soon announced that the ancient Brits, 35,000
years ago, had a nationwide fiber net.

Irish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters down and
found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient
Irish, 55,000 years ago, had cellular phones.

JIM (mainopsman)


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Dedicate some of your life to others. Your dedication will not be a sacrifice. It will be an exhilarating experience because it is intense effort applied toward a meaningful end. Dr. Thomas Dooley
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mainopsman 
Posted: 08-Dec-2007, 02:44 PM
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Playing House

A little girl and a little boy are at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" says a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

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mainopsman 
Posted: 08-Dec-2007, 02:44 PM
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CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS .....

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once ------- by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.

JIM (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 08-Dec-2007, 02:45 PM
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Well just a couple more!!

; Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my
elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for
a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may
not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.


JIM (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 08-Dec-2007, 02:46 PM
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in
your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's
lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

JIM (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 08-Dec-2007, 02:47 PM
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Scientist at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine announced

they have found a cure for baldness in mice.

This is great news!

Nothing looks more ridiculous than a mouse with a comb-over.


JIM (mainopsman)
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mainopsman 
Posted: 08-Dec-2007, 02:49 PM
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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

JIM (mainopsman)
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