Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

Humrous poem.

Author unknown.

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors' Discount."


I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you Seniors, the coffee is free."


Understand - I'm not old - I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer - can't hear what they say.


My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
And my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.


The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray....saying "blond" is just right.


My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet some kids yell, "Old duffer...get off the road!"
My car has no scratches...not even a dent,
Still I get all this stuff from a punk who's "Hell bent."


My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines" not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old....just call me mature.



The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take all your breath away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.


But I'm keeping up with what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,
I'M NOT REALLY OLD....I'M ONLY MATURE!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that the Catholic education is certainly having an impact.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell zilla?"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A man buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the clerk verifies his ticket number.

The man says, "I want my $20 million."

The clerk replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The man said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the clerk explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The man, now furious with the clerk, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But, say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"Oh, it worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States..a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even
bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer (Hilary), married to another lawyer (Bill) who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer (Obama), who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, and who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run !

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship !!

What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies !

Murphy says:


The Enemy Will Find A Way

The Easy Way Is Mined

Incoming Fire Has the Right of Way

If The Enemy Is In Range, So Are You

Look Unimportant, The Enemy May Be Low On Ammo

Professionals Are Predictable, It's The Amateurs That Are Dangerous

If The Attack Is Going Well, You Have Walked Into An Ambush

If You Can't Remember, The Claymore Is Pointed At You

Never Draw Enemy Fire, It Irritates Your Team Mates

When You Secure An Area, Make Sure You Tell The Enemy

When You're Short of Everything But Enemy, You're In the Combat Zone

If It's Tough For The Enemy To Enter, It May Be Tougher For You To Leave

The Enemy Diversion You Ignored Will Be The Main Attack

Remember... Your Weapon Was Made By The Lowest Bidder

JIM

When insults had class


'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.' -- Clarence Darrow

'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.' -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemi ngway)
'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx

'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.' -- Mark Twain

'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.' -- Oscar Wilde

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a& nbsp;friend... If you have one.' -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...
followed by Churchill's response: 'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one.' -- Winston Churchill

'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' -- Stephen Bishop

'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.' -- John Bright

'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.' -- Irvin S. Cobb

'He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.' -- Samuel Johnson

'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.' -- Paul Keating

'He had delusions of adequacy.' -- Walter Kerr

'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?' -- Mark Twain


'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.'-- Mae West

'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.' -- Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, 'Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!'

Winston replied, 'Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!'

Lady Astor looked at Churchill and said, 'Sir, you are drunk!' He replied, 'And Madam, you are ugly. At least in the morning I'll be sober.'

JIM

I had a terrible day yesterday........

I went shopping at the mall and tripped
getting on the escalator.

I fell down the steps for two hours!

Jim

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was
> pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
>
> The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her
> purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
>
> 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
>
> The police woman replied , It's square and it has your picture on it.'
>
> The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed
> it to the police woman.

JIM

Not only is that funny, it is TRUE!!

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age;
we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars
and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the pooh out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the pooh out of a Politician,
there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Patch;

That is one of the better ones you have come up with.



Camac.

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says, "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"

The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister," says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the wagon to the dog's "privates."

"Little girl," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Thank you.

Slàinte,     

Patch