The smiling scotsman, Highland humor

[NightHawk]

As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper,
MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most
appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin
to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day
the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
"Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
"I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.
"Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."
"Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps
down and never heard him."

[Aon_Daonna]

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

[Aon_Daonna]

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins...  Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns
are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have
always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win
the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and
the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

[Aon_Daonna]

A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's a wee ane fer its age."

[aklassie]

Good ones Aon_Daonna !!

[CelticRadio]

A good scottish joke is always enjoyable! Thanks for posting these!  

[Mel]

LOL thanks a lot for the jokes Aon Daonna!

[Aon_Daonna]

A philosophical Scotland supporter on the train south to attend the match with England was heard to comment: "No matter if we win or lose this game, we will still be winners in the game of life, because when our opponents waken up tomorrow they'll still be English and we won't."

[Aon_Daonna]

The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English." They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English." Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English. About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here"? "Not whenI'm driving the bus" was the response.

[Aon_Daonna]

An Englishman entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman. After they had chatted for a while the Scot asked "Where are you from?" The Englishman replied "I'm from the finest country in the world." The Scot looked sceptical and replied "Are you? You have a #### funny accent for a Scotsman."

[Aon_Daonna]

The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes... and they haven't got the joke yet.


Q: what is the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

[Aon_Daonna]

It is now generally accepted that golf did not originate in Scotland. No Scotsman would invent a game in which it was possible to lose a ball.

[kylassie]

ROFL!  

[maggiemahone1]

I like that wee bit of Scottish humor, Aon Daonna.    A good laugh can relieve alot of tension and stress.  

maggiemahone1

[Cabbagehome]

We in the States have a funny accent. As far as the bagpipes goes we States haven't gotten the joke also.  I read where there were more drum and pipe bands in the States than in Scotland.