Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

Pabst Beer is NOT fine!

I will certainly take your word for it MDF.

Dunno -- this one is better told than read, I fear. But here is is anyway:

Donny took ship for Amerikay when Mairead, the love of his life, threw him over and married Tom Cahill. After making his fortune, he sailed back to see what had become of the two of them and to lay down his grudge and wish them well. Coming up the road to the old village, he saw Mairead herself, sitting out in front of her cottage with a great bowl of peas she was at shelling, and looking no less beautiful for twenty years since he'd last set eyes on her.

"Lass!" he cried, "It's I who've come back from Amerikay to see how ye're keeping." And she was not unhappy to see him.

After some talk, he looked round and said "Where's himself, then?" Mairead cast her eyes down, and told him that Tom was dead these seven years. "Och!" said Donny, but it was not for sorrow that he said it. "What happened to him?"

"Whil, now," she answered, "I was at shellin' pays just as you see me now, when he came round and asked me what's for dinner. And I said chicken, and pays. Says he, it's pays tonight, and pays last night, and pays the night before. And I'll not be eating pays tonight! And I sez to him, whil, ye damned fool, there's carrots in the garden waiting on ye pulling them, and ye have not done it this long week. I will, he said, and went off in a pet up the garden path, caught his great hulking foot on the rake, split his head on a stone and died in the instant."

"Och, Mairead, ye poor lass! Whatever did ye do?"

"Whil!" she said, throwing up her hands. "I et pays!"

A seal walks into a bar.

"What'll you have?"

"Anything but Canadian Club."

An Old Irish farmers Advice

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered ... not yelled.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Lily O

A man in a pub saw a pal at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the pal he commented, 'You look terrible. What's the problem?'

'My mother died in June,' he said, 'and left me £10,000.'

'pooh, that's tough,' he replied.

'Then in July,' the pal continued, 'my father died, leaving me £50,000.'

'pooh. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.'

'And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000.'

'Three close family members lost in three months? That is terrible.'

'Then this month,' continued the pal, 'nothing!'

NUN SENSE
>
> A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local
bar
> for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
>
> As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long
> tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol
was
> tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the
> city's problems.
>
> Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, the guy said, "Listen
> sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I
> like a drink or two That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I
> idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I
volunteer
> my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to
various
> charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the
> occasional glass of scotch!"
>
> The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and
I
> apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that
> all who consume it are doomed..."
>
> "Look there you go again," said the man. "How can you make such a sweeping
> statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
>
> "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my
> lips."
>
> "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout
> nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
>
> "Well, I really don't know ..."
>
> "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink.
One
> drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside
> the person."
>
> "Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of
> the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person
rather
> than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a
curiosity
> in me."
>
> "Well let's go inside and settle this!"
>
> "No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take
my
> tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it
out
> to me and I'll try it."
>
> "You're on!" said the guy.
>
> The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into
the
> bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put
> one of them in this tin cup please?"
>
> The bartender sighed and asked,
> "Is that nun out there again?"

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now,the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.

"But it did happen to me sister."

Please don't hate me for this....here goes


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he
knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.


She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"

(you're gonna love this)







(its a real treat)







(a masterpiece)







(wait for it)









The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."



(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)



Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you
did!!!






Havea GREAT day



Lily O

Constitution
>They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
>just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
>it's worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
>
>Ten Commandments
>The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse?
>You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt
>Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of
>lawyers, judges and politicians...it creates a hostile work environment.
>
>Cows
>Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
>track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right
>to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked
>her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate
>11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should
>give them all a cow.

The Mummy Test



I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.



?Why?? my daughter asked. ?Because its been laying outside, you don?t know where its been, its dirty and probably has germs? I replied.



At this point. My daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,? Wow, How do you know all that stuff??



?Uh? I was thinking quickly, ?All Mums know thus stuff. It?s on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don?t let you become a Mummy?



We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.



?Oh, I get it!? she beamed ?So if you don?t pass the test you have be the daddy?



?Exactly? I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood! (even if you've seen them before)

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

You forgot one:

Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when the ground is getting near?

A: The leash goes slack!

Q: How do you confuse a moron?

A: Place them in a round room and tell then to go sit in the corner!

I got this in an email. It had me rolling ...

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has NEVER had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.