Really Bad Advice

[LadyOfAvalon]

How about a nice pair of Winnie the Pooh earmuffs I think that would do pretty well and I'm sure it's your style.

My neighbor has the bad habit of starting to mown his grass at supper time.It is quite frustrating when on a nice day you just want to have a nice supper outside. How should I go in trying to send a message to him that it bothers me greatly?

[Sekhmet]

Light his grass on fire. It'll take till next spring for it to grow back..problem solved! Next spring call an asphalt company and tell them that you're the homeowner and wish to make the yard a parking lot.

My neighbor thinks screaming at her husband at 6AM is socially acceptable. How do I tell her that she needs to have her domestic disputes somewhere other than under my bedroom window?

[haynes9]

Where's your entrepreneurial spirit!? Have a neighborhood block party and invite everyone to come. Sell some popcorn and make it an event! Get your video camera out and record the fun. Oh, and be sure to post it on Youtube! Don't worry about a lawsuit. This will be fun!

I had to send a medical test for my wife via UPS to Oregon. I noticed that it has gone from Arizona to Louisville, Kentucky, so far. How should I explain basic geography to UPS?

[Sekhmet]

Alas, my husband works for UPS, it's hopeless. I do suggest those wooden puzzles of the US for their new drivers and scanners to put together. Send one piece to every state of the union and see if they get the idea.

I have a customer who wants a custom piece of jewelry done. I've sent her the information that I'll need to put this together, and stated that I'd need 50% down for a custom job. She has ignored that and keeps asking me when her necklace is going to get done. How do I ask her to cough up and not lose the sale?

[John Clements]

I think you should send her a custom noose necklace, and find a reasonable customer.

Well it’s Wednesday again, and I’ll be going to a “peaceful bring the troops home vigil” at the local armory. And all the time I think that we should be setting tiers a fire in the street, unless of course someone has a better idea?

[haynes9]

John, you've got to get more intense, I agree! Forget the tires. Just brig out the biggest sound system known to mankind and threaten to play Barry Manilow tunes at full blast in the direction of the White House until they comply with your demands. In fact, you might even get Al Queda to surrender with this tactic !

I'm taking my girls in today to get their learners permits. How shall I prepare my nerves as I teach them how to drive?

[John Clements]

I would suggest showing them how to drive, while repeating over and over again, (in a loud slurring voice): “Do as I say. Not as I do” all together while drinking heavily.

You know I get better looking every day, and I don’t what am I going to do in another 62 years?

PS: Hey! You know I’ve a thing for Barry Manilow!

[LadyOfAvalon]

I don't mean to rude but I wouldn't worry about my looks in 62 years from now if I were you. Unless you're eternal.

I have a problem with people who owns pets (like cats) and let them roams everywhere and first thing I know there here around my windows and spraying in all of them for territory.Since I'm against hurting innocent creature, how should I proceed to get rid of them?

[haynes9]

OK, this will help you and your dear neighbor who lets his cats run! Make sure the neighbor is at work and call the Humane Society and let them know that there is a house that needs cats - lots of them! A little taste of their own medicine might be in order!

Well, I've got to decide whether to rebuild the back porch, build an awning over the front deck, or paint the mobile home. Any good way to decide how to prioritize these jobs?

[pflanary]

Write the tasks on pieces of paper and set them on fire. Throw some water on and the least burned is the one you do first.

I have alot of paperwork to do but I'm bored with it and just want to take a nap (or better yet post away). What should I do?

[ogdenmusic]

Light a fire in the fireplace and promptly throw all of your paperwork into the fire.

I have two tickets to the Cubs vs Diamond Backs playoff game. My wife wants to go but I want to take my best friend (2nd to my wife) to the game. What should I do?

[zeryx]

Pat your wife on the head, hand her some money and tell her to enjoy a shopping trip whilst you take you friend to the game.

My son has eventually got himself a job and still lives at home, I want to persuade him that he should now be paying his own way in the house.

[Lady of the Loch]

hide all the food, toilet paper and turn off the electricity in his room. Don't give it back until he coughs up a dime!


My daughter has four sight words she must know just by looking at them. She is in kindergarten, how should I go about teaching her these words?

[John Clements]

Back in the day corporal punishment was a good teaching method for children, but these days, with a no hands on policy, I suggest tasing her, until she learns the words.

The wife and I get along great, as long as I’m wearing my soundproof earmuffs. Any other thinking, would be greatly appreciated?

[Sekhmet]

A quick jab to the eardrums with an icepick should clear up the need for ever needing those earmuffs again!

I've got three days to make enough inventory for a craft show that my mother signed us up for...last night. How do I thank her properly for this?