Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[Leelee]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

Unfortunately, tailgating, Barbara was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as Barbara missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.... I assumed you had stolen the car.''

[Leelee]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

Your going to love the Dad's reply:


To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

[Leelee]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'. The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

[Leelee]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?'

[Patch]

Burt spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.

Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day.

Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

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[Patch]

The resident began his examination of an elderly woman by asking what brought her to the hospital.

The woman replied, "An ambulance."

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[Patch]

Erma Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

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[Patch]

A marketing guy was interviewing people on the street had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this. .

Which shaving cream do you use?

The gent answered, Baba's, and the guy proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, Baba's...

Which aftershave do you use?

Which deodorant do you use?

Which toothpaste do you use?

Which shampoo do you use?

Which soap do you use?

Finally, a bit frustrated, the interviewer asked,

"Ok, tell me, What is this 'Baba'? Is it an international or foreign company?"

The guy replies. . . .

"No, he's my room-mate!"

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[Patch]

There may be no better place to live than in a rural environment. There's something about getting up at five in the morning, feeding the chickens, and milking a couple of cows before breakfast that gives you a lifelong respect for the price of butter and eggs.

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[Patch]

Man: I hate this modern art. What a piece of crap that is.

Woman: No, that's a Picasso.

Man: What about this one with all these crazy squiggles?

Woman: That's Kadinsky

Man Okay, how about this one where the guy's got a pencil neck, his nose is upside down, and his eyes are on the same side of his head?

Woman: That's a mirror.

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[Patch]

In a courtroom, a purse snatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that's him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere."

At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You're lying! You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

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[Patch]

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

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[Patch]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am...

And then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce, she thought to herself... Get Real Prince Charming!!!

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[Patch]

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Washington bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come to work for him as his valet.

“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it --- you’ll catch on again fast.” Next morning promptly at seven o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gently shake, strode around to the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.”

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[Patch]

The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large valise, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his valise onto the rear observation car, and climb aboard, gasping for air. Looking at him, another rider said, "Young man, you should be in better shape. At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away." The young man took a deep breath and said, "Sir, I missed this train at the last station."

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