Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

Someone did a study of the three most often-heard phrases in New York City. One is, "Hey, taxi" Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is, "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

There's been a power cut in Dublins largest department store today ....
Some customers have been stuck on the escalators for over three hours......

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Good one Patch. I had to read it twice though to get it. Apparently I would have been one of those stuck.

Thanks.

Say What!!??

1. If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says
on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

2. It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security." For what
they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can you
really feel "secure."

3. Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever
seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

4. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and
blamed it on the cost of living.

5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish,
and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

11. When you're swimming in the creek and an eel bites your cheek,
that's a moray!

12. A fine is tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

13. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

14. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

15. I wished the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

16. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

1st Grade School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses...... until they stop running.

2. Strike while the...... bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before......Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of......... termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but........ How?

6. Don't bite the hand that......... looks dirty.

7. No news is......... impossible

8. A miss is as good as a........ Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new........ Math

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll........ stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust............. Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the................ pigs.

13. An idle mind is........ the best way to relax..

14. Where there's smoke there's......... pollution.

15. Happy the bride who............. gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is...... not much.

17. Two's company, three's........ the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what........ you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...... You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as........... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not............ spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed.......... get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you.............. See in the picture on the box

24. When the blind lead the blind ............... get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand............. is going to poop on you.


And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than........... Pregnant

A blind man with his seeing eye dog are walking down a busy street in New York. The man comes to a cross walk to get to the other side of the busy street.

The seeing eye dog proceeds to lead his master across the street in rush hour traffic. Cars are honking horns, screeching their brakes to avoid hitting the man and dog.

The man finally makes it across the street, unbelievably safe and sound. The blind man reaches in his pocket for a dog biscuit.

One man that witnessed this walked up to the blind man and said "Mister, I just saw that dog of yours take you across rush hour traffic, almost getting you killed and you are rewarding him?!

The blind man said "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to see which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Good one Patch

Two Rednecks walk into a pet shop in St. John's and walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to George, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says George.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

George and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Signal Hill.

At Signal Hill Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

George watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, George shakes his head and says,
'F*!k dat. Dis budgie jumping is too f*!k'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, George, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

George watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

George shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

George is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Bren appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Bren then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more George shakes his head.

'F*!k dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Bren and his
f*!k'n hengliding!'

The Barber

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said,
"About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and asked him to do a favor. "Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, the friend returns to the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, " So where does the guy go when he leaves?"

The friend looked up, wiping the tears from his eyes, and said, "Your house."

"Have you heard this story? They're trying to pass a bill now that allows politicians to insist that they be addressed by gender- neutral titles. Is that really necessary? I mean, don't we already have gender neutral titles for politicians? 'Crook,' 'liar,' 'adulterer,' 'pinhead,' 'moron,' these are all gender-neutral. (Jay Leno)


Slàinte,    

Patch    

A Scotsman left on a long trip across the country, taking a train the entire length of the line. At each station along the way, he insisted that he had to get off of the train to buy a new ticket. He chose to not buy a ticket to his final destination, but just one to take him to the next stop on the line.

After watching this go on for several hours, another passenger asked, "Why are you buying all of these individual tickets, man? Why not just save yourself time and money and just get one ticket for the rest of your trip? You'd save 25%."

The Scotsman scowled at the very idea, and darkly replied, "My doctor told me that I am not long for this world. I don't plan to waste any of my money on train tickets I may not use while I am here!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

MacNab went into the barber's and asked the price of a haircut.

"A pound," said the barber.

"How much is a shave?" asked McNab.

"Fifty pence," said the barber.

"Shave my head," said McNab.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans

1. After your humans give you a bath, Don't Let them Towel Dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans' bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Slàinte,    

Patch    

I like this one I heard a different rendition of it.....Government Employees stuck on the escalator....the sad thing is it could be true...

Oh man....these are so true. My dog has done some of these on occasion.