The He-Man Woman Haters' Club, In response to "Girls Only" Thread

[Patch]

A ninety five year old man married a twenty year old bride. During his annual physical exam he confides that his wife is "expecting. The wise Dr. pauses and then proceeds to tell him a story. This man went bear hunting and in his haste he grabbed an umbrella instead of his rifle. He had just reached the forest when both he and a large bear saw each other. He raised the umbrella and pulled the handle. There was a loud report and the bear fell dead. Now how do you suppose that happen the MD asked? The 95 yr old replied, No way, someone else shot the bear. The Dr. said Ah Ha, "point made"

Slàinte,   

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[mainopsman]

Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

EVERYTHING is male or female


You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.


Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always
getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom

A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed
much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push,
he keeps trying!

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

This was most likely written by one of the ladies!!!

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'



Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.



After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river'



Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.



Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river'



Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

An Engineer passes away and arrives at the pearly gates.
Whereupon St. Peter informs him that he has to go to the other place, and down, down , down he falls until arriving in Hades.
Attempting to gain the good graces of the Devil, the engineer builds him an Air conditioner, Ice Maker, Cold Tub (think about it) and various other amenities.
God of course hears about all this, and goes to the Devil, and demands that the engineer be sent to back to heaven.
The Devil refuses, and God blurts out.."Well I'll just sue you for him!"..and of course the Devil's reply...
"Ha! Where are YOU going to find a Lawyer!"

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.
At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one
remarked to the other, "Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn't
he?"

The other replied, "He ought to; he hasn't had a drink in
three days."

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick. Five minutes later he said Nothing to worry about ladies and gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late. A moment later, Er....sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but a third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later the expected." One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder." Good heavens, Patrick, do you realize that if the other engine fails, well be here all night?"

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait j ust a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part
of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You
get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to
eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and
I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and
Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat
someone important!!!!"

JIM (maniopsman)

[mainopsman]

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she
collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans
to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few
minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found
a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks
feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already
agreed to let him play through

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies
were talking about the stress of leaving their families. A
senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard
the conversation and offered the following advice:

"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he
said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

A married couple, in their early 60's, was celebrating their 44 th
wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly,
a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.

She said: 'For being such an exemplary married couple and especially
at this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
'Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling husband'.

The fairy waved her magic wand; and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her
hands.Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a minute and
said:'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this
will never come again, So I'm going with my mind and not my heart.

'I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a
wish. So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! - the husband
became 92 years old...

The Moral of the story...
Men who are ungrateful should remember... Fairies are Female...

JIM (mainopsman)

[mainopsman]

Dear Internal Revenue Service:
>
> Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in
> taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper dated
> 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is
> paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
>
> I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers
> valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total
> remittance to $3,429.00.
>
> Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund,"
> as noted on my return.
> You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head
> screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how
> H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws).
>
> One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
>
> It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to
> paying it again next year.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> A Satisfied Taxpayer

JIM (mainopsman)

[Patch]

I would be willing to sell them all my tools AND the seat off my toilet!

Slàinte,    

Patch