Forgiveness, Is it sometimes impossible?

Thanks peckery.

Yes we are flawed and that is why it is so hard to forgive. And, as you say, it would be stupid to forget to the point we forget as well the lessons we've learned.

But, I know I should try to forgive. Right now, I just don't wanna.

Nothing new with my dad. HAven't heard from him since the initial calls. I have tried to call him but keep getting the answering machine.
Anyway, I was going over some of my writings and found someting that I wrote many years ago about forgiveness. thought I'd share it. Forgive me if it's too long.

When my sixteen year old brother was killed ten years ago in a car accident , the man that killed him never came forward . My parents , my seventeen year old brother , and I never saw him nor did we ever hear from him . He was never charged with any crime . He never served any jail time . He never even got a ticket . In other words , he got off without a hitch . Needless to say , this caused some ill feelings toward this man .
I don?t know how my family dealt with this man?s luck and the severe lapse of justice but I , for one , was outraged . I couldn?t understand how the justice system had failed us . I couldn?t understand how they let a murderer go without even a slap on the wrist . Most of all I couldn?t understand how a father ( which he was ) and a son ( which he was as well ) could utterly change another family?s life and show no apparent grief , remorse , or regret . I couldn?t understand why this man killed my brother and , either, didn?t care or didn?t want to explain himself or even try to apologize .
This man?s total lack of conscience left me with a contempt and a hatred so deep that it was all consuming . I eventually accepted my brother?s death but I could never accept that his killer got off with no consequences . The hatred that burned inside me was enough to eat at my soul . I eventually became a soulless individual that cared for no one and nothing . I neither excepted nor wanted love or companionship . I became numb to everyone and everything that happened around me ; every situation and occurrence .
Whenever I thought of this man I would go into a rage that would burn for days at a time . It was destroying me and I knew it but I didn?t care . All I knew was that if I had ever seen that man , or if I had found him at his house , he was going to regret every second of what he had done to my family . I wouldn?t have killed him but it?s amazing what a person?s body can live through .
I went on like this for four years . I hated this man with every fiber of my being and everyone that ever talked to me about this subject knew my feelings all too well .
One day , though , while I was remembering my brother and the way he was . I realized that he wouldn't want me , or anyone for that matter , to hate this man for what he had done to my family . He would want us to go on with our lives and not worry about what had happened because it was the past and the past couldn?t be changed . I swear that I heard him tell me to forget and forgive and get on with my life . He told me that I couldn?t grow as a person if I couldn?t forgive the man who had killed him and put my other brother in the hospital . If I was to have gone on without forgiving this man I would?ve eventually lost everything , even my soul , to this hatred .
Finally , after four long years , I said to myself , to my brother , and to my Lord : ? I forgive the man that killed my brother and forever changed my family?s life . ? AS I did this I could feel my brother?s warm smile on me one last time and I felt an almost tangible weight lift from my shoulders and my heart . The great darkness that had covered me for so long was gone . I knew it was over and I could move on with my life .
I still have yet to meet the man that hit my two brothers on the morning of August 29th , 1994 at 7:30 in the morning but , I?m sure that if I do I?ll tell him that I forgive him for his trespasses and I will wish him well . I will tell him I pray that he and his family never go through what my family and I experienced .
I still miss my brother , that pain will never fade , but I know he is still with me and that we will be together in eternity . Life is too short to hold grudges and to hate people for petty reasons , or to hate anyone at all . Hatred will eat your soul and leave you hollow . Non-forgiveness will not allow you to grow and progress spiritually . These two things , hatred and non-forgiveness , have killed more people than anything else in the history of the world . Hatred breeds contempt . Contempt breeds unrest . Unrest breeds violence . Violence breeds death . Hatred isn?t worth it . The pain isn?t worth it .

So , forgive , grow and be blessed .




anyway...I'll shut up for now

Don't shut up urian.

I have been reading this thread with much interest but afraid to share.

I am by nature a very forgiving person. I don't hold grudges.........I generally find it a waste of my energy. However, there are a couple of people in my life that I have found that to be very difficult to practice.

My mother for one. She is very ill right now and I am trying to forgive and forget all the things she has done wrong with all us 5 kids...........now I feel like she is getting paybacks and suffering for her sins. maybe I am being too judgemental and speaking for God, but I just cannot help but think this.

The ugly one!

CelticRose, I am sorry for the hurt you must be feeling regarding your mother. But what is this signature - "the ugly one!"? I have not met you, but, I do know this about you from reading your posts: You are a beautiful, special, caring person and you have no reason to come down on yourself like that!!!

As for myself, I'm not sure if I am a forgiving person or am just too lazy to waste time worrying about what other people do, (other than my immediate family and a few long time friends). I realized a long time ago that I had no control over how most people choose to live their lives. I therefore had the choice of making myself crazy or letting them do their own thing (which they were going to do anyway). I am responsible for the way I live my life, they are responsible for the way they live theirs.

Sorry if this sounded harsh. Just my opinion...

Great addition Peckery. I took literally paragraphs to say what you did in a few short lines. But still, I would like to add a bit of analogous commentary.


As we all know, to forgive is a commandment, albeit not one of the top ten, a commandment all the same. Love thy neighbor, and love thy enemies too. And this is where I wish to draw a comparison to hopefully simplify what seems to be a bit overwhelming a thought for some.

God commands us to "love your enemies. Pray for those that spitefully use you" The latter is easy, on the surface, for it is clearly defined and without variableness. The former however, love your enemies, is a bit more complex. Does anyone really think God wishes us to love our enemies in the same way we are to love, say, our spouse, or our children? No. So what does that actually mean? There are countless expository studies on this subject, as well as in depth exegetical examinations and interpretive cross-referencing comparisons. But reason and logic, aside from the scholarly approach to the subject, tells us that this is a totally different kind of love entirely. This will be an act of obedience. Aside from our desire to obey God and his command to "love your enemies" we could, by nature, never accomplish this. Rather, our sin nature tells us to hate our enemies. So also it tells us not to forgive. Just as one would never say "gosh, I just love Osama Bin Laden. I wish he was here so I could hug him and talk to him", one would also never say "I forgive Osama Bin Laden. I don't even remember how I felt when I saw the twin towers fall, and I don't hold it against him either". But guess what? We are called to love him just and forgive him just the same. This might seem like a great exaggeration, but consider this. When Jesus said to forgive, He was primarily talking about those in our own personal social circles. And although most of us don't have friends and family bombing our homes like Bin Laden did the WTC, we do all have friends and family that can hurt us even more deeply than that. And that's where the comparison holds water. I'll never forget seeing those planes slam into those buildings, and I'll never forget how it felt when my ex-wife failed to show up at my step-dad's funeral. It still hurts to think about. But I have to forgive all the same.

Try not to get too caught up in the desire to "forgive and forget" That ability belongs to God alone. The best a human can do is forgive. If you are trying and have trouble, pray for help. Jesus saw fit to help a certain Centurion with his unbelief.

Thank you Bluegrasslady for your kind response! My mother has caused a lot of pain in mine and my sister's lifes. Now our mother is very ill, suffering from strokes every week. We have forgiven her and hate to see her go through all this she is suffering with, despite the pain we have suffered from her in our past.

There is only a matter of time, she will still be around.

Celtic Rose,

I have a dear friend who had very real issues with her father and was not able to forgive him while he was alive. After his death, she grieved for the lost opportunity for closure.

I am glad for you that you have been able to find the strength to forgive your mother.

You are in my prayers.

I've read through everyone's response to the subject Elspeth has posted. Very powerful stories and testimonies that really help you think. All I have to add is my story:

As I've posted on other threads I was sexually abused as a child by multiple family members. One person in particular was my step-father. Now I carried these open wounds for my entire childhood up until I was about 19 years old. As Gabby said earlier when a child is sexually abused or raped their souls are being murdered---so true. This is the story of how I was freed from the burden of unforgiveness:

One particular Sunday morning when I was about 19 years old, a traveling evangelist was leading a revival at our church. He had been there a week so far. This service was very good but not out of the ordinary, until he started talking about becoming free of our past hurts and wounds. His name was Kelly Green (I'll never forget this man's name). He started saying if we want true revival it is going to have to start with our hearts. True revival starts with repentance, he said. He went on to say there were those of us who have hurt the people around us and how we have been hurt by others. He spoke about the forgiveness of God and how Jesus commands us to forgive. He said forgiveness wasn't a feeling but a decision. He called everyone to the front of the church who needed to forgive and to be forgiven. The whole church went up. He told the people if you have hurt someone in this congregation go ask for their forgiveness. He said, If you've been hurt by someone in this congregation forgive them. The pastor of our little Baptist church started weeping and he went to different people and asked them to forgive him if he had hurt them in anyway (he did this openly for all to see). Others started crying and exchanging apologies and forgiving oneanother. Then Evangelist Kelly Green said, "Right now decide to forgive those who have hurt you in any way---just forgive them." Right then and there I said to God without thinking about anyone in particular, (maybe lumping them all together) ...I said Lord Jesus I forgive everyone who has ever hurt me...I forgive them right now." As I did this a burden lifted, and a glowing warmth filled my heart as I began to cry. Up until this time I thought I wasn't holding a grudge or had any unforgiveness...but at this moment I realized I had never forgiven them.

It was an awesome feeling, but then the hard part came. When my family and I arrived home from church, guess who was waiting at our front door??? My step-father. He had come to pick up my youngest brother (his son) for the day. I went inside the house and my heart started beating out of my chest...The Lord said in a small still voice,"Go tell him you forgive him." (Your probably saying what??? I'll interject here for clarification: Forgive the man who sexually abuse me. A man who physically and phycologically abused me and my brothers. He was a hard, mean man...who ran the house like we were in Navy boot-camp all the time. And beat us for the most smallest things).

The small still voice said again, "Go and tell him that you forgive him." I said O.K. Lord I'm going to go do this. My heart was still beating out of my chest and wouldn't stop. I knew in the back of my mind he might curse me out or start screaming or walk away. I went to him and said John (that's what we called him) can I please talk to you outside. We went outside onto the porch area. I said, "John I need to tell you something, I need to tell you that I forgive you for everything you did to me...for everytime you hurt me---I forgive you. I love you with the love of Jesus, and without the Lord Jesus' help I wouldn't be able to do this right now." He just stared in amazement and said, "Roisin, I want to thank you for this---it means so much to me." After I obeyed the Holy Spirit's voice my heart stopped pounding, and a freedom that is so hard to put into words came over me.

Yes the scares are still there. But that's just the point---the open wounds that I had carried for so long, on that day began to close up and form a scab which in turn healed into a scare. I thank God for my scares, because it is in remembering those scares---where we came from or out of---then we can see how far the Lord Jesus has brought us. Forgiveness is a process. Choosing to Forgive is the beginning of that process. What happened to me on that day was a divine, supernatural outpouring of God's Grace to help me walk through the door of decision and choose to obey the Lord and forgive my enemies. Eventhough God gave me the strength and courage--- I had to be the one who was willing to walk through that door. My step-father might have thought I was freeing him, but in making that choice to forgive him---I was the one who was being Freed!

Roisin

Oh gosh! Roisin! What a powerful story! I have never been in your shoes, but I feel for your pain and how wonderful that you answered God's call to forgive this man.

Oh Roisin, I'm sitting here and I shed tears over your story. I absolutely stand in awe that you have been able to follow God's call to forgive this man. And the way you did it, such greatness!
So something I thought it would never be possible is possible though...
Your story touched me so deeply and my heart goes out for you especially as our stories have a lot in common and I KNOW.
I feel that it set something in motion inside of me.

Thank you so much for telling it! Blessed be!

Rose and Gabby,

Listen guys, my heart no longer grieves as it once did. I only tell my story so that the Lord may get the glory. It wasn't my greatness or my strength in that moment I forgave my stepfather but the Lord's virtue flowing through me---I just became the willing vessel who obeyed. It was the Lord Jesus Christ's grace that helped me do it. In my own strength I never would have done it or had the nerve to do it. It is amazing what God will bring us through or help us overcome!!

Gabby, I know your wounds run deep. I know there are secret places of hurt deep within your heart that no one has seen or felt...Gab, allow the Lord Jesus to enter those memories of dark rooms that are so painful you don't go there anymore. The Lord will begin to heal you with His love, His unconditional love. Sometimes the pain is too heavy to bare on our own...that's why the Lord said,

"Come unto me all who labor and that are heavy burden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me...for my burden is light and my yoke is easy."

Jesus also said, "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, Because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives, and freedom to prisoners...(Isaiah 61:1; NASB).

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18, NASB).

"He [God] heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3; NASB).

Gabby, I believe the Lord wants to heal you---to totally heal you from those hurts and wounds. I don't believe you will ever forget, but like in my situation the memories will lose their sting and venom. They won't be able to poison your life anymore. Just ask the Lord Jesus to come into your life and heal your heart. He will give you beauty for ashes. Love where there was hate. Healing where there was once pain.

From what you posted earlier the Lord has already begun to do a work inside of you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Your friend,
Roisin

Roisin;
words are failing me somehow. I'd like to thank you for your words which are so true, so lovingly...thank you, my friend!
Please, keep up your prayers, I really need them. I've been in a serious crisis and still am but with your words you showed me where my problems are.
I realized that I am AFRAID. Afraid of delivering myself completely to Christ. The thing I'm wishing most is the thing I'm also most afraid of at the same time.
I have never delivered myself since to anyone. I have to overcome this fear, this barrier,
You are right, I'm feeling that God is already doing work inside me.
Imagine that I read a saying today:

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgiven past.
You can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches."

I know it for quite a while but I always refused to let it get close to me.

Thank you again!

to err is human, to forgive is divine.
Alexander Pope

maggiemahone1

The problem with forgiveness is that it ,often times, is tied to pride. When we are wounded by someone, our pride is hurt. I feel it is that which hinders us ,in some way, in being able to give forgiveness.
Pride is the greatest down fall of man. Wounded pride can keep anger brewing, indifference active, and forgiveness bound in the corner.
The more a person can control their pride the more likely they are to forgive...the better they will become

Baby steps to become what we need to be..

anyway..I'm rambling