A feminist gets on a bus and is disgusted when a little old man stands up to give her his seat. "Patronizing old fool," she mutters as she pushes him back down. A minute later another woman gets on and the old man rises to his feet once more. "Male chauvinist pig," seethes the feminist as she pushes him back down again. The bus stops again, more women get on, and one more the little old man attempts to stand up. "You're living in the Stone Age," hisses the feminist as she pushes him down. "For God's sake!" wails the little old man. "Will you let me get off? I've missed three stops already!"
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
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“The follies which a man regrets most in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.” - Helen Rowland
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
A Loving Wife A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
A drunk phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cries out…"Oh hang on. I'm in the back seat."
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a Bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Polar bears, with Sarah Palin inside one of them Security guards and fellow-hunters out for a day's sport along with Alaska Governor Sarah Palin watched in helpless horror yesterday afternoon as a large polar bear (Ursus maritimus) suddenly emerged from the trees, gobbled up the Republican Vice-Presidential candidate in one bite, dashed back into the forest, and escaped before anyone could do anything about it.
And today, the whole of Alaska and half of the rest of the country is in shock.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Greenpeace, Friends of the Earth, and Al Gore, have all firmly denied sicking the animal onto Mrs Palin in retaliation for her hunting proclivities, her opposition to 'endangered' status for polar bears, and her skepticism about the human origins of global warming.
'Bears are highly intelligent,' explained a Greenpeace spokesperson, 'and it seems that this one acted on his own initiative.'
Despite this setback, John McCain, determined to keep the momentum of the race for the White House, has placed the following advertisement in all major newspapers and TV stations and on the internet:
'WANTED. Glamorous, youngish, reactionary female to run for Vice President of the United States on Republican ticket. Must be a friend to wildlife (we don't want any more nasty accidents)', and volunteers at Republican headquarters are already busy sifting through the replies that are pouring in.
After three days, from a shortlist of 10, the candidate will be selected by means of a beauty contest in which each finalist must (1) model a bikini, an evening dress, and a power suit, (2) show that she can read and write, and (3) provide a few heartwarming family scandals that nobody really minds, but which can keep the party in the public eye and journalists and pundits gainfully occupied until November 4.
Meanwhile, a claim by one stunned witness to yesterday's tragedy, namely that the fleeing bear's stomach was heard crying shrilly, 'Endangered, my ass! You'll regret this, you fat frozen fuzzball!'
At first this was dismissed as the product of post-traumatic stress, but later the bear was witnessed taking a dump and he was seen to produced a worse-for-wear Palin. The steaming VP candidate then kicked the beast with her high-heeled boots, before making a run for it.
Went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that Course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had Prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented you're Definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, a bit hot to The point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from Me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall Off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two Cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No' Watson 's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way Through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning Symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and Lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just When, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store That I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart And began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't Until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that The pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm Referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us At the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The Habaneras in the chili fro m the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small Intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I Could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would Bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped In a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape Me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part Of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an Elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I Stopped to see what her Reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to Relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched As she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall Of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses And running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her Head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me Feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped Down, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive Issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing That I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing That someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly Things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through The store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,Praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, beganThe inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my Ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was In the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made Gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly Left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart Intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached Me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The Manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two Which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover His nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I wasUnceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly Not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Macys. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Regards, Project Leader
e-mail two Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability. Regards, Project Leader
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going too!!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
Haggling One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin's book stores. As one of the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman asked the clerk the price of the book he wished to purchase. The young clerk looked at the price posted on the book and said, "That book is one dollar, sir."
The gentleman began to haggle with the clerk over the price. The clerk assured him that the correct price for the book was one dollar and no lower. As the man realised that his efforts to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere, he insisted on speaking with Ben Franklin directly.
Franklin stopped his work, walked out to the storefront and the gentleman asked, "What is the price of this book?"
Franklin answered, "One dollar and a quarter."
The gentleman was confused and replied, "Your clerk just said it was a dollar."
Franklin looked at the book again and answered, "Yes, it was a dollar. But now you're wasting my time."
Slàinte,
Patch
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