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Celtic Radio Community > Short Stories > Give My Story A Title!


Posted by: WizardofOwls 27-Mar-2005, 08:18 PM
While at work today, I had a creative moment and the following (very) short story just flowed out of my head and onto the paper. I would welcome your comments, good or bad, as well as any help you can offer in naming it! smile.gif I'm not the most creative of people I confess, but I actually kinda liked this one! smile.gif

Anyway, here's my story. I hope you like it!

UNTITLED

By Allen R. Alderman

It was with some trepidation and a very real sense of sadness that I went to visit the White Rabbit. As a child I had visited with him almost daily, but it had been a while now since my last visit. I was not looking forward to this one. His hole seemed much smaller these days and not as tidy as it had always seemed years ago. He greeted me warmly and invited me in to visit with him for a spell.

He made us a pot of tea and, as we drank, he reminisced about all of the adventures we had shared together once upon a time, the stories he used to tell me, the laughs and tears that we had shared. I marvelled at his words. Years ago his stories had seemed so full of meaning, deep, rich and philosophical. Today, however, they seemed shallow and superficial, almost contrived.

After what seemed ages, his words droned to an end, and for an uncomfortable eternity we sat in silence, each waiting for the other to come up with a reason to continue the conversation, and both coming up empty handed.

He sighed loudly and sat staring deeply into his now-empty cup. His shoulders were hunched and he seemed so very old.

"This is goodbye, isn't it?" he said finally, hesitancy and dread in his voice, an unshed tear sparkling in his eye.

"Yes, old friend, I'm afraid it is," I said, trying to hide a slight tremble in my voice.

"I knew it would come," he said, "it never lasts for long."

"There will be others," I said, vainly trying to cheer him up, "as long as there are children who look up to the sky with wonder, to the forest with a sense of mystery, there will be others."

"I know," he said, "But that never eases the pain I feel with each goodbye."

For a moment I struggled to find my voice. Then, "I will miss you," I said, no longer trying to hide my quivering voice.

"And I you," he replied.

"Thank you," I whispered.

And with that, I left his hole and I did not bother to look back. If I had, however, I would have seen that with each step I took his hole became more hazy, indistinct, and in the end, was no longer there at all.

And then, somewhere, in another place, a book opened, and that magical sound called the hole back into existence, more real and more vibrant than ever before.

And the story began anew....

Posted by: Rindy1202 27-Mar-2005, 09:22 PM
Allen, that is wonderful! At least you had a "moment" unlike me.. smile.gif I know name it:

Wizard In Wonderland

Slainte

Posted by: emerald-eyedwanderer 27-Mar-2005, 10:20 PM
I just wanted to say I think it was really creative and I enjoyed it. As for a title...? I'll have to think some more when I'm not so tired wink.gif

Posted by: VetteGal 28-Mar-2005, 02:15 AM
Wiz,
How about, "The Rabbit Hole of Imagination."

Posted by: Madadh 28-Mar-2005, 07:14 AM
How about "A comming of age"?

Posted by: Aaediwen 28-Mar-2005, 11:04 AM
"Leaving Wonderland", perhaps smile.gif

That's a wonderful image of the sad end of someone believing. The end of the innocent years. Yet with some hope at least, that the end is not absolute. One thing you might do though, is try to break "He said... He said" a bit. Perhaps replace some of that with more description. perhaps with the character doing something. Maybe taking a sip if their tea.

You've done well with the image, Wiz. I really want to cry for the parting of the two friends. I also like how you tied the rabbit's condition to the degree with which one believes in him.

Posted by: MDF3530 28-Mar-2005, 11:29 AM
How about "The Final Trip Through The Rabbit Hole"?

Posted by: susieq76 28-Mar-2005, 01:43 PM
How about "The Long Goodbye"

I, too, thought it was wonderful. Great imagery, flow and depth.

Good job, Allen

Posted by: WizardofOwls 28-Mar-2005, 08:16 PM
Thanks everyone for your kind words! smile.gif I was hoping you would like it! I was so surprised that this story was written so easily! The bulk of it was written in about 10 minutes, with just the odd word here and there getting changed afterwards. Usually when I try to write something it takes forever as I struggle with each and every word.

Anyway, thanks also for the title suggestions. When I tried, the only thing I could think of was "A Farewell to Innocence" or something like that. I also considered "...But when I became a Man..." referring to 1 Cor 13:11 which says "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." But I wasn't sure if people would recognize the reference. It also seemed a bit too long for such a short story.

You guys have given me several wonderful suggetions. I like them all! Right now, though, I am considering "Leaving Wonderland," "The Long Goodbye," and "A Coming of Age." That may change though depending on if I get more suggestions! wink.gif

Thanks guys! You're the greatest! smile.gif

Posted by: WizardofOwls 29-Mar-2005, 05:07 PM
Hi! I didn't really have anything new to add, I just wanted to get my story back to the top, so that maybe some more people would read it. I need all of the advice I can get on it! smile.gif

Posted by: Haldur 02-Apr-2005, 08:01 PM
Very delightful story Allen! I'm very impressed, to say the least. It's funny how we go through life and find that things aren't always as they seem. It is our beliefs, hopes, and dreams that seem to be the first things smashed the most trivial of things.

As far as the format of the story, it was perfect! Honestly, I don't think "He said" is such an issue. You were in the right on that matter. You read any classic piece of literature and it says "He said" or "Josh said" or the like. What messes a story up (and this is a thought held true by linguists and writers alike) is putting "too much" description.
For one thing, it slows the story along and dialogue is something very important to the story...dialogue moves the story along. I could sit and describe a fence-post to the most basic molecular structure but it doesn't do any good. Let's face it, it's a waste of the writer's time and most importantly, the reader's time. And secondly...you want the story to move along, get to its point (if it has one), and be done with it.

I absolutely love what you've done here and I'm not embellishing. You stuck to your guns and told a story from the heart and with the gusto of a true author. You gave the story life. Your characters gave the story life. It's simple (in a good way) and has a good message.

Posted by: WizardofOwls 02-Apr-2005, 08:17 PM
Awww, shucks! (Wiz blushes from head to toe)

Thanks Haldur! I really appreciate it!

I don't know what it is about this story, but everytime I read it I get all misty-eyed! And I wrote it! Strange, huh? biggrin.gif

Posted by: Haldur 06-Apr-2005, 01:56 PM
Misty-eyed is great! I have a flare for writing the bittersweet...just haven't finished a piece in a long time!

Mostly, its time that gets in my way...that, and procrastination. Ooh...that devastating "P" word. Procrastination. sad.gif

I'll get there though, its just not my time yet.

Posted by: Eiric 11-May-2005, 08:58 AM
As an author I must say how much I loved yer story! I think Good Bye Rabbit is a good name, and keep on writing, it wis a wonderful story!

Posted by: WizardofOwls 11-May-2005, 08:11 PM
Thanks for your kind words, Eiric! I like the story too! I still can't believe I wrote it! smile.gif

Posted by: Aaediwen 12-May-2005, 05:09 PM
Wiz, I really think you should continue writing smile.gif You're better than you give yourself credit for.

Posted by: WizardofOwls 12-May-2005, 08:20 PM
Thanks Aaediwen! i'll try to write more as the inspriation comes. For me, there's no use trying if the inspiration doesn't come first. I end up staring at a blank piece of paper for hours.

Posted by: Aaediwen 13-May-2005, 05:56 PM
QUOTE (WizardofOwls @ 12-May-2005, 10:20 PM)
Thanks Aaediwen! i'll try to write more as the inspriation comes. For me, there's no use trying if the inspiration doesn't come first. I end up staring at a blank piece of paper for hours.

How so very true smile.gif Good luck with it smile.gif

Posted by: Eiric 17-May-2005, 05:14 AM
I agree, no inspiration, no work...

Posted by: austinable 11-Jun-2005, 05:21 PM
As for a title I don't know. I usually find a certain phrase in something I write or the phrase that inspired me to write in the first place and go with that. Your story brings to mind the sentence of L.P. Hartley's The Go-Between: "The past is a foreign country, people do things differently there." Leastways I think it was Hartley I have read so much lately the authors have started to blur together.

-Keep that pen moving across the page!

Posted by: WizardofOwls 22-Nov-2005, 12:52 AM
Today I decided to post my story on another forum to get some more opinions on it. In the process, I made some MAJOR revisions to it. I would love to hear your thoughts on the new version. Is it better, or should I leave it as it was?

Thanks in advance for sharing with me your opinion!

Leaving Wonderland
By Allen Alderman

It was with some trepidation and a very real sense of sadness that I went to see the White Rabbit. As a child I had spent time with him almost daily. It had been a while, though, since my last visit.

I was not looking forward to this one.

I had no trouble finding my way, as I had followed this path many times before in my childhood. Much had changed since then. The path, once clear and well-worn, was overgrown with weeds, and his hole, once a warm and inviting place, seemed much smaller, not as tidy as he had always kept it. The changes were sobering, almost painful to see.

Finally I reached the door to his hole. I had to force myself to raise my hand and knock. The sound fell cold and hollow on my ears. He greeted me warmly and invited me in to chat with him for a spell. After making sure that I was quite comfortable, he busied himself with making us a pot of hot tea. Once it was ready he poured us each a cup, and then he joined me in the sitting room.

As we drank, he reminisced about all of the adventures we had shared together once upon a time, the stories he used to tell me, the laughs and tears that we had shared. I marvelled at his words. Years ago his stories had seemed so full of meaning, deep, rich and philosophical. Today, however, they seemed shallow and superficial, almost contrived.

After what seemed ages, his words droned to an end. For an uncomfortable eternity we sat in silence, each waiting for the other to come up with a reason to continue the conversation. Both came up empty handed.

He sighed loudly and sat staring deeply into his now-empty cup. His shoulders were hunched and he seemed so very old.

"This is goodbye, isn't it?" he said finally, hesitancy and dread in his voice, an unshed tear sparkling in his eye.

"Yes, old friend, I'm afraid it is," I said, trying to hide the slight tremble in my own voice.

"I knew it would come," he said. "It never lasts for long."

"But there will be others," I said, vainly trying to cheer him up. "As long as there are children who look up to the sky with wonder, to the forest with a sense of mystery, there will be others."

"I know," he said, "but that never eases the pain I feel with each goodbye."

For a moment I struggled to find words. Then, "I will miss you," I said, no longer trying to hide my quivering voice.

"And I you," he replied.

"Thank you," I whispered.

I think he heard me. I hope he did.

With those words I left his hole. I did not bother to look back. If I had, however, I would have seen that with each and every step I took his hole became more hazy, indistinct and, in the end, was no longer there at all.

For a time all was silence.

Then, in another place, another time, a child opened the book, and that wonderful, magical sound called the hole back into existence, more real and more vibrant than ever before.

And, once again, the story began anew....

Posted by: stoirmeil 22-Nov-2005, 02:53 PM
QUOTE (Aaediwen @ 28-Mar-2005, 12:04 PM)
You've done well with the image, Wiz. I really want to cry for the parting of the two friends. I also like how you tied the rabbit's condition to the degree with which one believes in him.

Yes, so do I want to cry. This is something a little rarer than you think, Allen -- acknowleging the fantasy life of the child and also that you grow out of it, and it is painful. Ray Bradbury had that gift, like almost no one else, his work is just saturated with it. "Leaving Wonderland" works well (like "Finding Neverland"? smile.gif ) . . . something else is at the back of my mind too, but I will think a little more.

Oh -- about the volley of "said" -- you could leave some of them out entirely. We can keep track of the exchange. Here's just a suggestion:

For a moment I struggled to find words, no longer able to hide my quivering voice.

"I will miss you."

"And I you."

"Thank you," I whispered.




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