Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[stoirmeil]

A tax-day meditation:


Treason

by James Tate

The man that was following me looked like a government
agent, so I turned around and walked up to him and said, "Why
are you following me?" He said, "I'm not following you. I'm
an insurance agent walking to work." "Well, pardon me, my
mistake," I said. "Have you done something wrong, unpatriotic,
or are you just paranoid?" he said. "I've done nothing wrong,
certainly not unpatriotic, and I'm not paranoid," I said.
"Well, nobody's ever mistaken me for a government agent before,"
he said. "I'm sorry," I said. "You have something weighing
down on your conscience, don't you?" he said. "No, I don't.
I'm just vigilant," I said. "Like a good criminal," he said.
"Would you stop talking to me like that," I said. "I don't want
to have anything to do with you." "You've committed some kind of
treason and they're going to get you," he said. "You're out
of your mind," I said. "Benedict Arnold, that's who you are,"
he said. "I'm going to a peace rally if that's okay with you,"
I said. "Oh, a peacenik. That's the same as treason," he said.
"No, it isn't," I said. "Yes it is," he said. "No." "Yes."
"No." "Yes." We reached his office door. "I really hate to
say good-bye to you. Would you like to have lunch tomorrow?"
he said. "I'd be delighted," I said. "Good. Then Sadie's
Café at noon," he said. "Noon at Sadie's," I said.

"Treason" by James Tate from The Ghost Soldiers. © HarperCollins, 2008. Reprinted with permission. (buy now)

[Harlot]

Italian
> > grandma's advice to granddaughter!
> >
> > A young Italian girl was going on a date.
> > Her Nonna said: 'Sit ta here ana letame tella you
> > about
> > this-a younga boy.
> >
> > He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna
> > like-a dat,
> > but no let him-a do dat.
> >
> > He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are
> > agonna like-a dat too,
> > but no let him-a do dat eeda.
> >
> > But mosta important, he's agonna try ana
> > lay on topa you, you are agonna really like-a dat,
> > but
> > no a let-a him do dat for sure. Doing thata willa
> > disgraza
> > our family.
> >
> > With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on
> > her
> > date..
> >
> > The next day she told grandma that her date went just
> > like
> > she had predicted: 'And Nonna, I didn't let
> > him disgrace
> > our
> > family as you said. When he tried to lay on top of me,
> > I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and
> > disgraced
> > HIS family!'
> >
> > Nonna fainted!!

[InRi]

You know you’ve studying/living abroad in the UK for a while when…

1. One out of 4 words you hear in the streets is “f***” or “f***ing”
2. You have tried the symbol of British food, a breaded piece of fish with fries and they call it “fish & chips”.
3. You see semi-naked girls in the streets and boys wearing t-shirts with temperatures below zero.
4. You are shocked to see that the Uni is closed, city is collapsed and people stranded if streets are covered with more that 5 cm of snow.
5. You have travelled to London just for 1 pound with
a fun fare, and you love it.
6. You wake up every morning knowing that it’s quite unlikely that you’re going to see the sun.
7. You drink pints every day and you love them
8. You see people having a pee while they get money
from a cash machine.
9. You realize that dinner time is 6pm
10. You see people drunk in the streets at 8pm.
11. You see old people getting pissed in Potters Wheel
12. You are kicked out of a pub at 11.30 pm
13. You have learned the difference between pasty and pastry and you’ve tried a Cornish Pasty.
14. You see people wearing flipflops and shorts even though it’s raining.
15. You’ve said “cheers mate” more than twice
16. You’ve tried to buy a traditional coffee maker and you’ve failed.
17. You realize the most important religion is not Christianity but Rugby.
18. You wonder how people wash their intimate parts without a “bidé”
19. You wonder why the concept of “proper curtains” hasn’t arrived to this country yet.
20. You hear and say “sorry” at least 10 times a day.
21. You’ve seen naked women on the second (and first, and third…) page of the daily newspapers.
22. After a failed conversation with someone in the street you wonder whether he/she was speaking in Scottish, Gaelic, Welsh, Cornish, Irish or English.
23. You see Tesco as an important social meeting point.
24. You have struggled trying to convert from Farenhait to Celcius, from Miles to Kilometers and from Pounds to Euros, but you know a pint is 0.56 litres.
25. You have been driving on the wrong side of the road
26. You have seen old people smiling at you in the street
27. You have been asked for “some spare change” by an unknown person.
28. You see 3 kebab shops and 2 indian restaurants in every street.
29. You’ve had a Full English Breakfast with bacon, eggs, sausages, beans, etc and you think it’s amazing
30. You’ve had a burger, chips and beans on the same plate.
31. You’ve thought more than ten times that the car you have just seen was driven by nobody
32. You have tried to destroy the fire alarm at least a couple of times.
33. You have wondered about the wildlife present in your carpet.
34. You see a group of people wearing fancy dresses every time you go out at night.
35. You have been in a pub next to a really drunk lady, that you think could even be your grandma.
36. You think you’re going to visit a palace, a castle or a chapel and you only see a few old stones.
37. You realize that taking a cab is almost free (according to a certain person from Norway).
38. You’re outside and don’t even notice it’s raining anymore, because it is just simply normal to you by now.
39. You realise that any kind of food can be eaten with anything else, no matter how wierd the combination is.
40. You have six months of holidays in a year.
41. In case you need to get your hands clean, you realise that you only have two options: boil your hands in water near to 90º or see how they become two beauty ice-cubes.
42. You have a sink in your bedroom.
43. You can’t buy shoes in any shop because they all smell like feet!!
44. You find machines in pubs in which you can buy condoms, vibrators, lubricant and even a Hair Straightener.
45. Your house and surroundings are full of rubbish bags because rubbish is collected just once per week.
46. You ask for a double whisky in a pub and the quantity you’re given is just ridiculous!!
47. You see potatoes everywhere, in all different forms and shapes, i.e. boiled potatoes, jacked potatoes, smashed potatoes, chips, crisps, etc.
48. You realize that burping in the library is something normal.
49. You realize that no matter how weird the clothes you’re wearing are, people just won’t care.
50. You have hoovered your room at least once.
51. You shake the hand of someone of the opposite sex you’ve just met.
52. You drink as much tea with milk as you drink beer (at least 5 times a day).
53. You realize that being served alcohol in an academic seminar is completely normal.
54. You learn that 4 cups of tea per day is good for you.
55. You have stopped questioning why there are carpets even in the bathrooms
56. You know there is a fair chance your house is filled with mould.
57. Your floors and roofs are in serious decay after years of leakages and no maintenace.
58. You have a fire exit in your house.
59. You find yourself breaking into an english accent when trying to order a cuppa tea.
60. You have mushrooms in your toilets.
61. You see daffodils growing EVERYwhere, all year round.
62. You find yourself discussing what make of baked beans is the best…and it doesn’t scare you
63. You see all four seasons in one day. first sun (oh blessed sun!), then rain, then snow, then hail. and sun, and rain, then…aaaah!
64. “hello/hey, how are you?” is replaced by “you alright?”
65. You find yourself going out partying wearing only a little top… and it’s raining! And above all it’s normal because everybody is dressed like that!!
66. You realize that burping in the middle of a lecture is something normal.
67. It’s only five and every single shop is closed!
68. You’ve bought something at Argos!!
69. You think it’s normal to sleep on a mattress which was considered old-fashioned crap in Europe 30 years ago.
70. You don’t go out to go out but to get drunk.
71. You don’t mind the food anymore…
72. Subway is the healthiest meal you can think of
73. You think that having a dildo is mandatory for every woman, and that ann summers rocks your sexual life!
74. You find normal that in clubs the ladies are full of screaming semi-naked drunk (British) girls trying to do their make up and hair again and again.
75. You feel like being a nun when you wear trousers or skirt longer than your knees and tops to go out
76. You go to the lectures just for sleeping..lying on the table, chair..it doesnt matter!!!
77. You discover that a simple ticket of the train can vary from a price of 8£ to 30£.. for the same train, time and journey
78. You realize that you have never seen an English Restaurant
79. You move into a house and realise that you can’t open the windows!!
80. You’re in the top back part of the bus, and a 9 years old chav asks you for a lighter
81. You realize that British people are queuing politely everywhere except at the bar counter
82. You discover there is a “potato” function on the microwave!!!
83. You phone a Hospital emergency service at night and you are speaking to a non-medical person on duty who will ask you a lot of questions and then decide if its an emergency. This person will even ask to speak to the almost unconcious patient and ask you to describe whether the person looks pale, the eyes are yellow, blue, red.Any bleeding…blah blah and then tell you that a doctor will only be available at 9.00 in the morning…(after an hour of questioning) and you are worried that the patient might die in the meantime but you have no other options
84. Your umbrellas have got broken at least twice and you are still hoping not to break the new one even if it’s May!
85. You see your housemate ordering chinese food or pizzas three times a week
86. You realize that you can get decent (dark, rye, healthy) bread in every European country except for the UK…and no, Toast is not considered a proper kind of bread…..
87. You are no longer suprised to see fans and radiators on at the same time (either in February or June!)
88. You are certainly annoyed by their stupid sockets
89. You realize that every product you buy “may contain trace of nuts”
90. Your sentences begin with..”to be honest”..

[Leelee]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[Patch]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. 'Tony, do you have a story to share?'

Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the h#ll away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.'

Slàinte,    

Patch    

[Patch]

As a newlywed pair opened their wedding gifts, they admired them with enthusiasm. The groom said, "We can really use these towels!" The bride said, "We'll love dining off these dishes!" Then they unwrapped a vacuum cleaner and bride teased, "Look what you got, honey!"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

[Patch]

Some of us took our friend, an older woman, out to lunch to celebrate her birthday. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women told her, "This is a special occasion. Elsie is 92 today."

The waitress made seven instant enemies and one friend by asking, "Which one is Elsie?"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

[Patch]

Economics 101

Dear Mr. President, Patriotic Retirement:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force - Pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:

1. They retire immediately. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2. They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3. They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!

P. S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress and cabinet appointees pay their taxes.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

[Patch]

A young soldier got the hiccups standing in line to call home from our base in the desert. On the phone with his wife, he said, "I have the hiccups, scare me."

She said, "I'm pregnant."

Slàinte,    

Patch    

[Patch]

In Orange County, California, some years ago a particularly obnoxious citizen rushed into the courtroom of Justice of the Peace C.C. "Gavvy" Cravath and demanded Cravath issue a complaint against another citizen for disturbing the peace. Cravath asked why he should issue the complaint. "Because he called me an SOB." Cravath looked him in the eye and said, "You are." End of complaint.

Slàinte,    

Patch    

[Patch]

One time, I had to tell a candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment. After a minute he asked, "Can you tell me which one showed up?"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

[Leelee]

Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind .

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I
still hadn't paid for them.

Hellooooo, . . . . just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[Leelee]

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway . So I eased my car over to the

shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear

of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't

believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and

private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing

down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started

backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before the RCMP pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he

was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

"Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!"

[Patch]

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.

"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.

"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."

"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"

Slàinte,    

Patch    

[Leelee]

Only in Canada.

R.C.M.P.

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans
Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg .

When the Mountie asked the driver why he
was speeding, the driver answered that he
was a magician and a juggler and he was
on his way to Brandon to do a show that
night at the Shrine Circus and didn't
want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was just
fascinated by juggling, and if the driver
would do a little juggling for him then he
wouldn't give him a speeding ticket.
The driver told the Mountie that he had sent
all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have
anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that
he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol
car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie
got three flares, lit them and handed them to the
juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car
pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta
got out and watched the performance briefly.


He then went over to the patrol car, pulled opened
the rear door and then got in.

The Mountie observed him doing this and went over
to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the
drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk then replied to the Mountie ...

You might as well take me to jail ... "Cause there's
no f***in` way I can pass that test"