Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

Pillsbury Doughboy

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was
considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife,
Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough: plus they had one in
the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.







HEHEHEHEHEHE
AHil

Oh, that's funny!!!!
Now I'm hungry!!!!! I need one of Leo, Shadow, or Catrionas delights...MMMmmmm

I'm *STILL* at work.....

Why am I still here???? Need



Jason, surrounded by rolls upon rolls of plastic inventory......

Will he ever find his way out???? Stay tuned....


LOL!

>Subject: One liners
> > >
> > > Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in
> > > pain on the ground?
> > > A: Shoot him again.
> > >
> > > Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
> > > A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck
> > > and
> > > the noose.
> > >
> > > Q: Why do little boys whine?
> > > A: Because they're practicing to be men.
> > >
> > > Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> > > A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to
> > > revolve
> > > around him OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen
> > > to
> > > him brag about the screwing part.
> > >
> > > Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
> > > A: Trustworthy.
> > >
> > > Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
> > > and
> > > calling your name?
> > > A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
> > >
> > > Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
> > > A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
> > >
> > > Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
> > > mating?
> > > A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
> > >
> > > Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
> > > A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
> > >
> > > Q: What is the difference between men and women.
> > > A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
> > > every
> > > woman to satisfy his one need.
> > >
> > > Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
> > > A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
> > >
> > > Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
> > > And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to
> > > find this funny!
> > >
> > > OK, at least finding 5 bright women is possible!



Sorry, guys. Too good to pass up.

As we here at The Pub like to promote equality, I am posting this:

Blonde Jokes

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&Ms factory?
She kept throwing away the ?W?s.

What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?
?Is it mine??

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
The white-out on the screen.

What do you call a brunette accompanying a blonde?
An interpreter.

What is it called when a blonde dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.

How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?
She opens the car door.

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for three days?
Because it said ?concentrate?.

Why was the blonde excited about finishing a puzzle in six months?
It said ?2-4 years? on the box.

This post has been edited by MDF3530 on 30-Sep-2003, 03:54 PM

Few more...


What do you call 3 blondes in a row?

A wind tunnel.


What does a blond use to hold her legs in place during sex?

Her hoop ear rings

Q.Why did one blonde blow in another blondes ear?
A.Information download

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and he flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir,I need to see your ticket, Not your stub".

To all of the sweetest cops I know!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead".
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car drives up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says - "Got stuck, hua?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol".

A Lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
Stock boy replied, " No ma'am I believe their dead.
For the love of Scotland,
Annabelle

Thank you sooooo much, Annabelle!

How can you tell if a blonde stuffs her bra?
Her breasts are rectangular.

How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.

That sounds like it was stolen from Bill Engvall. For those of you who don't know who Bill Engvall is, he's a comedian whose signature bit is "here's your sign," in reference to how most people believe that people who act stupid should have to wear a sign that says "I'm stupid."

Just spent 4 hours and 6 Guiness reading this string. Hour 1 and 2 ROFLMAO, 3 and 4 hopeing to make it to the can so as not to p*ss myself, well done everyone!!

Old Ewan moved to Maine several years ago and decided to invite his cousin Angus over from Scotland to do a wee bit o huntin. Dawn broke early and cold the mornin that they went out. They hunkered down to watch for game, when suddenly there was a great crashing noise behind them in the swamp. Angus turned and came face to face with the largest creature he had ever seen. He quietly turned to Ewan and trembling, whispered "Wha manner o beast is tha"? Ewan replied " That is a Moose." To which Angus said "Gawd man, if thats a Moose, I'd hate ta see your Rabbits!"

How do you know if a blonde has used your computer?

There's white out on the screen to correct the errors.