 Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty |
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maisky  |
Posted: 11-Mar-2004, 07:38 PM
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King of CelticRadio.net Jesters
Group: Founder
Posts: 4,633
Joined: 17-Nov-2003
Zodiac: Ivy
Realm: Easton, PA
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A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy
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> A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
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> He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.
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> The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
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> "I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..."
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> Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
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> The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...
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> "Clean... my... house."
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"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."
Carl Sagan
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| JaneyMae |
 Posted: 11-Mar-2004, 08:54 PM
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Celtic Guardian
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 2,342
Joined: 09-Dec-2003
Zodiac: Ash
Realm: Idaho, USA
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shhhhh.....don't tell the maudtrolls but this isn't exactly appropriate 
The Smiths had tried for years to have a child, and not having had any luck, they decided to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the bell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions, and if I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?"
That's right. Well, Madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? ... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
 Do love sophisticated humor
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| Herrerano |
Posted: 15-Mar-2004, 02:32 PM
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Lord of the Isthmus, Keeper of the Holy Barbecue
Group: Galicia
Posts: 1,533
Joined: 28-May-2003
Zodiac: Ivy
Realm: Republica de Panamá
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The lab tech says to her, I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a
big mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to
the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or
terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
"Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We
can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than
once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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Consistency. It's only a virtue if you're not a screwup.
Ita erat quando hic adveni.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunatley it kills all its pupils. - Hector Berlioz
"No matter where you go, there you are." - R. Young
¡Visté! ¡Te lo dijé!
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| JaneyMae |
Posted: 16-Mar-2004, 09:51 AM
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Celtic Guardian
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 2,342
Joined: 09-Dec-2003
Zodiac: Ash
Realm: Idaho, USA
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A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.
Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked
by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan".
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| gaberlunzie |
Posted: 16-Mar-2004, 03:22 PM
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Celtic Guardian
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 6,958
Joined: 31-Aug-2003
Zodiac: Vine
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IMPOSSIBLE WISH
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes now. The genie replied, "Nope..due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world-countries, a fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish! So, what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, " Geez, lady; these countries have been at war for thousand of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish!"
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that blinking map...."
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"Now here's my secret", said the fox, "it is very simple. It is only with ones heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."
("The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
"The soul would have no rainbow, if the eye had no tears."
(Native American Proverb)
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| Shadows |
Posted: 16-Mar-2004, 05:29 PM
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Reader of souls, vision seeker, TROLL
Group: Super Moderator
Posts: 4,792
Joined: 20-Jun-2003
Zodiac: Holly
Realm: The frontier of Penn's Woods
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Walking into his favorite Irish bar, Mike said to the bartender,
> "Pour me a stiff one,
> I just had another fight with the little woman."
> "Oh yeah", said Paddy, "and just how did this one end?"
> "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on
> her hands and knees."
> "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
> "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!'"
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I support the separation of church and hate!
IMAGINATION - the freest and largest nation in the world!
One can not profess to be of "GOD" and show intolerence and prejudice towards the beliefs of others.
Am fear nach gleidh na h–airm san t–sith, cha bhi iad aige ’n am a’ chogaidh.
He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.
"We're all in this together , in the parking lot between faith and fear" ... O.C.M.S.
“Beasts feed; man eats; only the man of intellect knows how to eat well.”
"Without food we are nothing, without history we are lost." - SHADOWS
Is iomadh duine laghach a mhill an Creideamh.
Religion has spoiled many a good man.
The clan MacEwen
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| Shadows |
Posted: 16-Mar-2004, 05:31 PM
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Reader of souls, vision seeker, TROLL
Group: Super Moderator
Posts: 4,792
Joined: 20-Jun-2003
Zodiac: Holly
Realm: The frontier of Penn's Woods
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This was sent to me, it is long, but it needed to be shared!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me".
I said "WHAT???!!!!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman".
I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to take all three. She wanted matching shoes, I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you. . . she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this. You should have seen her face when she said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like buying all of this stuff now." You should have seen her face . . it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.
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| tartangal |
Posted: 17-Mar-2004, 09:26 AM
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QUEEN OF SCOTLAND
Group: Scotland
Posts: 414
Joined: 16-Feb-2003
Zodiac: Elder
Realm: Glasgow, Scotland
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A wee bit of nurse humour....
a young nurse approaches a patient with a basin in order to wash his face and hands.
"Nurse," he says from behind his oxygen mask "are my testicles black?"
The young nurse is very embarrassed and stutters "Sir, I'm only here to wash your face and hands!"
"Yes , Yes, but are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse reiterates that she is there only to freshen up his face and hands.
The ward sister is walking by at that moment and notices the distress of the young nurse." Is there a problem here? she asks.
The patient again asks from behind the oxygen mask "Are my testicles black?".
The sister , being a seasoned campaigner, briskly pulls the curtains , whips back the covers and studies that particular part of the patient's anatomy.
"Sir, there is nothing wrong with your testicles, Their colour is fine."
"No, No!" he says and pulls the oxygen mask off...
"ARE.. MY.. TEST.. RESULTS.. BACK..?" 
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Jules
As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death.
Leonardo da Vinci (1452 - 1519)
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