Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Bagpipes, huh?

Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

[Jimmy Carbomb]

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they originally had chocolate on them..."

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Billy and Paddy were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".

Think about it... slowly

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"

[Jimmy Carbomb]

A Scot goes into a pub and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy pub, shrugs and hands the man a bottle of beer. The Scot drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks at him oddly but hands another beer to the Scot. He drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly. Again, the Scot drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman replies, "Look, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"
"I haven't got any money!"

[Jimmy Carbomb]

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

[Jimmy Carbomb]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[MDF3530]

QUOTE (Gaelic Bread @ Jun 3 2003, 12:19 AM)

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass." 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God" 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

ROTFLMFAO !

[Jimmy Carbomb]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation
released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Paddy, an Irishman, died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue required someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus took a look at the body, said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. It could be him. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked down and said, "Nope, that ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange, and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at the corpse and said, "Gee, he's burnt really bad. Will you roll him over?"

The mortician rolled the body on to its front and Sean looked down for a moment before saying, "No, it isn?t Paddy".

The mortician, puzzled, asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean replied, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What do you mean? No-one has two arseholes," said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ?Here comes Paddy with dem two arseholes!??

[brettzky42]

One of GB's recent ones reminded me of this:

An Irishman wanders into a bar and asks for 3 beers, 3 shots of whiskey, and 2 shots of vodka. After the bartender places them all on the bar, the man quickly slams down all 8 drinks.

Stunned, the bartender asks, "Why did you drink all those drinks so quickly?"

Slurring, the Irishman responds, "Ye'd drink that quickly if ye had what I got!"

Feeling sympathetic, the bartender asks, "What do you have?"

As the Irishman gets up and stumbles to the door, he replies..."A dollar!"

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Since it's Baseball season...

An Irishman's first baseball game.


An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approached the batters box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."

The next batter hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN."

The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye bastard, run!

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over explained, "He can't run, he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, laddie, walk with pride."

[Jimmy Carbomb]

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry the two of you two years ago?"

She replied, "You did that, Father."

"And be there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father," said she.

"Well now said the Father, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."

Some years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said. "And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome to blow out your fookin' candle."

[Jimmy Carbomb]

After a long and tiresome weekend, I just HAD to go through this thread for one laugh. Good Lord, I forgot half this stuff and am howling!


I LOVE this place!!!