More Bad Jokes From Maceoghainn, I've got more (somebody please stop me!)

Overheard, a teacher's father on the state of Public Education:

"My son advises me that 7/5ths of all high school graduates do not understand fractions."

There's a Moral in here somewhere!

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE!!

A couple of rednecks are out in the Texas woods hunting when Bubba suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Billy Bob whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence.......and then a shot is heard.

Billy Bob's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what???"

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction.

"$85.00." replied the dentist.

"Whit? huv yie no goat enythin cheaper?" asked the Scotsman, seemingly quite agitated.

"That's the normal charge for an extraction", said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if yie didnae use eny anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.


"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70", said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, whit aboot if yie used one of yer dentist trainees and still weyoot any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they're only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism; and, it'll be a lot more painful. But, I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40" said the dentist.

"That's still a bit much; how aboot if yie make it a training session and have yon student dae the extraction and the ither students watchin and learnin?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK. It'll be good for the students, I suppose. I'll charge you only $5 in that case" said the dentist.

"Great, it's a deal" said the Scotsman... "Can yie book the wife in for next Tuesday?"

Oh, that was baaaaad, Carolina, so very very bad.........ILOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!

Two starving vampire bats were sitting on a roof wishing that they had some blood to drink. The first vampire bat said, "I can't wait anymore! I'm flying out there to find some blood!" With that, the vampire bat took off into the distance. Ten minutes later, the vampire bat returned to the rooftop with his face covered in fresh blood! The second vampire bat asked, "Hey! Where in the world did you get all of that blood?!" The first vampire bat said, "Look out there. Do you see that big tree limb about 50 yards away, and 10 feet off of the ground?!" The second vampire bat squinted, looked and said, "No, I don't see it!" The first vampire bat said, "Funny. Neither did I!"


------------------------------------------

Doctor Frankenstein sent Igor out to find a brain for his new monster. As Igor walked around, he noticed a sidewalk stand that said "Brains For Sale." Igor couldn't believe his good luck! He went over to investigate and saw a sign that said "Doctor Brains - $8.00 a pound." Another sign read "Paramedic Brains - $12.00 a pound", while other signs read "Nurse Brains - $30.00 a pound", "Truck Driver - $40.00 a pound" and finally "Lawyers Brains - $90.00 a pound." More than a little confused, Igor asked the man behind the cashregister, ?How come doctor brains are only worth $8.00 a pound and lawyer brains are worth $90.00 a pound?!? The man replied, ?Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?!?


ba dum dum!

Lil

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."

^he he he...reminds me of people I knew in college...heres a few of mine:

The teacher asked the children in her class, what they want to be when they grow up.

"I want to be an actress," Susie says.
"Good girl, Susie."

"I want to be an astronaut," Cliff says.
"Good boy, Cliff."

"And I want to be a sex therapist," Little Johnny yells out.
"Would you please tell the class how you think your job is going to be like?"

"Okay, Miss. Look out of the window. Three women are walking down the street, eating ice cream. One is licking, one is sucking, and one is biting. Would you please tell the class which one is married?"

"Get out of the class, Johnny, and come back with your parents!"

Johnny returns and is asked to explain what he has just said, to which he replies...

"The one that is married, is the one that has a wedding ring and it is people like you, Miss, that I am going to treat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes into the bar on the top floor of a hotel and orders a beer. He notices the only other man at the bar is drinking shot after shot of whiskey. The drunk looks over and says, "Hey, you know thish ish a magic bar?"
The newcomer shakes his head and turns to his beer.
"Come heres, I'll shows ya" and with that the drunk stumbles to an open window and flings himself outside. The newcomer runs over quickly only to be knocked over as the drunk flies back inside the bar.
"See, you jump out the window and woosh, fly right back in."
"Let me see you do that again." So the drunk jumps out the window and the newcomer watches as he falls about halfway down the building before flying right back up into the bar.
"I have to try this," says the newcomer, and flings himself out the window, only to fall to his death.
The drunk man starts giggling and stumbles back to the bar ordering another round.
As the bartender picks up a bottle of Wild Turkey he looks at the drunk and says "Man, your a real asshole when your drunk Superman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde is sitting at a bar nursing a martini and complaining to the barteneder about the dumb blonde stereotype.
"Blondes are not all dumb. Take me, I have a PhD, and MD, and have been a highly esteemed surgeon for 10 years. I"m so sick of people thinking I'm stupid just becuase of the color of my hair."
At that moment two men walk in talking about a joke about a dumb blonde trying to row a boat in the middle of a field. The blonde jumps up and starts screaming at the men about making fun of blondes.
"No, you don't understand lady, there really is a blonde woman outside in the field nextdoor trying to row a boat."
The blonde runs outside and sure enough, there in the middle of the field is a blonde woman in a boat trying to row to the fence.
The blonde from the bar runs to the fence around the field and yells,
"Lady, it's stupid idiots like you that give blonde women a bad name. Why, if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

Some Statistics


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)




If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)





The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)







A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)







A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death!
(Creepy.)






(I'm still not over the pig.)







Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)







The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")







The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)







The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)









Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)







Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)







The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)







Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)







Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)







A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)







An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)







Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)







Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)







Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)







Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).

Once upon a time there lived a king.


The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."


The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.


The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly.


The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.


The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.




She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.




Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)







































M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

Which Fruit are you?

The Amazing Fruit Personality Test

What kind of person are you? This will astound you!

In the middle of a table is a round tray with five kinds of fruit on it. They are:

Apples

Oranges

Bananas

Strawberries

Peaches

Which fruit would you choose? Please think very carefully and and don't rush into it.
(This is great!! I was astounded! Your choice will reveal a lot about you!)




































Have you chosen yet?




































Ok you've had long enough!!!


If you chose:


Apples: It means you're a person who loves to eat Apples!

Oranges: It means you're a person who loves to eat Oranges!

Bananas: It means you're a person who loves to eat Bananas!

Strawberries: It means you're a person who loves to eat Strawberries!

Peaches: It means you're a person who loves to eat Peaches!


Amazing!!!!


I hope you have found with this incredible new insight into yourself! May it bring you peace, understanding, tranquility, and all that other profound stuff!

By the way, did I mention you are easy if you believed picking fruit would .....?

Sunday Clothes...


A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon
when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello" said the little boy.

"Hi" replied the little girl.

"Where are you going"? asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home", answered the little girl.

"Me too", replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church".

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road" replied the little girl.......what about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill", replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so! there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive" said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet", replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across".

"That's a good idea", replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit".

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked........... "you know, I never did realize
before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic".




Jake and Becky


Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk.

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,"Everything's all right, go to sleep.

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I . I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"


"I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "now let the poison work."

As always MacE, you make the day.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 lb. boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way....

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.....

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a. For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b. For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c. For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a
warning.
e. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth
control.

Here's one from me McE,
Hope it will not be offending to anyone, just thought you might like it.

Two girls, good friends, a red haired and a blond are having a stroll in the shopping area , doing a bit of window shopping.
They pass a florist shop and the blond haired lass says: "Hey isn't that your boyfriend in there?"
The red haired one can see him choosing some flowers.
"Oh no", she sighs," He'll expect me to put my legs up in the air again tonight."
The blond haired looks at her friend and askes:" Don't you have a vase then?"

Greetz, Marc