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Celtic Radio Community > Ye Ole Celtic Pub - Open all day, all night! > Pub humour


Posted by: Gaelic Bread 15-Mar-2003, 01:01 PM
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tom Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've something to tell ya."
"Of course you may come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to tell ya, Brenda.  There was an accident down at the Guiness Brewervy..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.  "Please don't tell me..."
"I must Brenda.  Your husband Seamus is dead and gone.  I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.  "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear!" But you must tell me true, Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?"
Well, no Brenda... no.  Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 15-Mar-2003, 01:05 PM
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman enter a pub and each proceed to order a pint of Guiness.
Just as they are about to enjoy their beverages they notice a fly has landed in each of their beers, and has gotten stuck in the creamy head.
The Englishman pushes the glass away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the offending insect out with his finger and continues drinking as if nothing has ever happened.
The Irishman picks the fly out of his beer by the wings, holds it over the glass and yells, "Spit it out, ya bastard!!!"

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 15-Mar-2003, 01:17 PM
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking just he'd been run over by a train.  His arm in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little twit, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," syas Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's ######, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!"

Posted by: barddas 15-Mar-2003, 09:54 PM
AHHHHH HAHAHA!
Keep'em comin'

Jason

:D  :p  :D

Posted by: RavenWing 16-Mar-2003, 11:46 AM
Tee Hee!  

I wish I knew some good jokes.  The only ones I know are BAD!

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 16-Mar-2003, 02:53 PM
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Conor Pass.
At the Conor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me."

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 16-Mar-2003, 03:16 PM
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.  A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop, "where've ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 16-Mar-2003, 03:24 PM
"Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months.  On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."
The priest sighs. "Is that you, little tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who might be the woman you were with?"
"I shan't be tellin' you, Father.  It would ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.  Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Bridget O'Shanter?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.  "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that.  But, you've sinned, and you must atone.  Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to the pew.  His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
Tommy replied, "Five more good leads!"

Posted by: MDF3530 16-Mar-2003, 06:18 PM
That last one is a great one!

Posted by: TracyLynn 16-Mar-2003, 08:05 PM
notice how Rosie O'Donnell isn't on that list  :;):  :laugh:

Posted by: ROTFLMAO!!! 16-Mar-2003, 08:22 PM
Oh goodness, I am about to start rolling on the floor... :laugh:
I needed a few laughs today and this is just what the doctor ordered! I'll have to come up with a joke or two so I can reciprocate in kind...

Posted by: tartangal 20-Mar-2003, 05:13 AM
A man walk onto a bar and orders a beer. As he is sitting there, the bowl of peanuts on the counter tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing.
 Disturbed by this , he goes over to the cigarette machine to buy a pack. As he approaches, the machine starts screaming and shouting at him.
    The barman apologises saying"The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order!"
 
                                    Jules :laugh:

Posted by: tartangal 20-Mar-2003, 05:35 AM
Man walks into a bar and the bartender asks: "what'll you have?"
The man answers; "A whisky please."
The bartender serves himand says: "That'll be £2."
The man replies: "What are you talking about ? I don't owe you a penny."
  There is a lawyer sitting nearby who happens to hear the conversation. He states :"You know, he's right ! In the original offer, there was no mention of remuneration and this constitutes a binding contract."
  The barman is unhappy but says "Ok! you got me there ,you got your free drink.I don't ever want to see you in here again ."
  The next day , the same man walks into the bar. The bartender says : "What the #### are you doing ,coming back in here after you were barred ?"
  The man replies "What are you talking about ? I've never been in this place in my life !"
 The barman apologises saying "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
 To which the man answers "Thank you ! Make it a whisky ."

                                        Jules :laugh:

Posted by: tartangal 20-Mar-2003, 05:50 AM
Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his hat, and bows his head.The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts his hat on again, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
  The other fisherman says;"That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
  The first man replies;"Well, I guess it was the thing to do . After all, I was married to her for forty years."

                                     Jules :laugh:

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 21-Mar-2003, 11:18 PM
Bwwaaaahaaahaaaa!

One last one:

Drunk stumbles into a confessional.  The Father enters the other side and waits.  After a few minutes of hearing nothing, the priest raps on the wall three times.  "Forget it," says the drunk, "there's no daggum Charmin over here either!"

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 22-Mar-2003, 10:22 AM
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly
wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" "Don't worry,"
assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in
Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed
Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more
unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it.
The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some
help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called, "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it
will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

Posted by: RavenWing 24-Mar-2003, 11:31 AM
A man walks into a bar and says : OUCH!


That is really the only thing I can contribute.  My jokes are awful.

Posted by: MDF3530 24-Mar-2003, 05:21 PM
Quote (RavenWing @ Mar. 24 2003,11:31)
A man walks into a bar and says : OUCH!


That is really the only thing I can contribute.  My jokes are awful.

You're right. That was bad.

Posted by: aklassie 24-Mar-2003, 11:43 PM
LOL

Posted by: RavenWing 25-Mar-2003, 07:47 AM
:D

Posted by: kyladdie 26-Mar-2003, 09:22 PM
A duck walks into a pub, waddles up to the bar, and says to the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says: "No, we don't have any grapes-this is a pub!" The duck waddles back across the bar, hops off, then walks out the door.

The next day the duck enters the pub again and does the same thing! The bartender tells the duck again: "We don't have any grapes, we don't sell any grapes, this is a pub, so go and do not come back again!

The next day the duck walks into the same pub, waddles up to the bar and asks the bartender again: "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender gets steamed and tells the duck: "Look I am sick and tired of you coming in here every day for three days asking me if I have any grapes. If you come back here tommorrow, I am going to get nails and a hammer, and nail your webbed feet to the bar!" The duck waddles down from the bar and walks out the door.

The next day the duck goes into the same pub, waddles up to the bar, and says to the bartender: "Do you have any nails?"
The shocked and angry bartender says: "No, I don't."
Then the duck says: "Got any grapes?"
:D


Posted by: maggiemahone1 27-Mar-2003, 08:51 AM
:D  :D  :D
It's good to see you back on the board, kyladdie!  It's been awhile.  Come by anytime and talk with the locals.  Catch up on the local gossip!

maggiemahone1

Posted by: barddas 27-Mar-2003, 03:54 PM
That was funny kyladdie...

  cheers :laugh:

Posted by: tartangal 27-Mar-2003, 04:37 PM
:D LOL :D


                      Jules

Posted by: tartangal 27-Mar-2003, 05:01 PM
A panda walks into a restaurant ,sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich,pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
   As the panda starts to leave, the manager shouts "Hey! where are you going? You shot my waiter and you haven't paid for your sandwich !"
  The panda yells back "Hey,I'm a panda ! Look it up!"
   The manager opens up his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.

                                     Jules

Posted by: MDF3530 27-Mar-2003, 05:31 PM
That was a good one :D !

Posted by: tartangal 28-Mar-2003, 09:04 PM
A wee bit light relief from some of the heavier threads......


  What do you call three rabbits in a row,hopping backwards simultaneously?


            A receding hareline!

Posted by: MDF3530 28-Mar-2003, 09:30 PM
Quote (tartangal @ Mar. 28 2003,9:04)
A wee bit light relief from some of the heavier threads......

No kidding!

Dave and the others can be very long-winded on that "Iraq Conflict" thread.

(I'm trying to remember any good jokes I've heard recently but can't think of any besides the one I've already posted.)

Posted by: TracyLynn 28-Mar-2003, 11:58 PM
I knew I should have stayed inside the pub :;):

it's a bit corny but it made me laugh...
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!

Posted by: aklassie 29-Mar-2003, 02:02 AM
That's ok TracyLynn.  I'd rather be here also.  Much to heavy over in the other place.  Right now we all need a good laugh.  I can't think of any jokes though.   :D

Posted by: Aon_Daonna 29-Mar-2003, 06:37 AM
hmm the only jokes I know are dirty =/ nothing to tell in public, so i won't *grins*

Posted by: maggiemahone1 29-Mar-2003, 10:49 AM
Quote (aklassie @ Mar. 29 2003,3:02)
That's ok TracyLynn.  I'd rather be here also.  Much to heavy over in the other place.  Right now we all need a good laugh.  I can't think of any jokes though.   :D

I agree with you folks!  I like a place where I can be relaxed and not get all stressed out.  I guess this is the place to be.

maggiemahone1


:)  :D  :laugh:  :p  

Posted by: MDF3530 29-Mar-2003, 12:50 PM
Not really a joke but still pretty funny :laugh: ...

Five reasons why drinking should be allowed at work:

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communication.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. Babbling and mumbling incoherently would be common, not just restricted to the higher ups. :D  :laugh:  :p

Posted by: maggiemahone1 29-Mar-2003, 12:59 PM
I like number 5.!!! :p

maggiemahone1

Posted by: MDF3530 29-Mar-2003, 01:00 PM
Here's an oldie but a goodie :D ...

Fed up her husband Ian coming home drunk every night, one night Mary took him up to a high place where they could see the local distillery in full swing. Lights were flashing, machines were roaring, and trucks were pulling in and out.

"See," Mary said, "they're making it faster than you can drink it."

Ian replied, "Aye, but you have to admit, I've got 'em workin' nights!"

Posted by: tartangal 29-Mar-2003, 01:42 PM
LOL!!!!!

 The vibes are definitely better here.
Got another for you.

Burglar breaks into what he thinks is an empty house.As he creeps through the livingroom, he hears a loud voice say,"Jesus is watching you!"
 The house goes quiet again so the burglar starts to tiptoe forward .
" Jesus is watching you!" the voice booms again.
He stops dead in his tracks.He is frightened.
Frantically he looks around and in the corner spots a birdcage containing a parrot.
  He asks the parrot,"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
 "Yes" says the parrot.
  The burglar breathes a sigh of relief, and asks the parrot's name.
 "Clarence,"said the bird.
 "That's a stupid name for a parrot,"sneers the burglar."What idiot named you Clarence?"
 The parrot says:"The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
                                   
                               Jules :)

Posted by: aklassie 29-Mar-2003, 01:49 PM
Jules, I liked that one.  LOL  :laugh:

Posted by: aklassie 29-Mar-2003, 06:18 PM
David's wife is mad at him, because he forgot her birthday.

Quick-witted, David says, "Sweetheart, how do you expect me
to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"


Posted by: MDF3530 29-Mar-2003, 10:03 PM
Quote (tartangal @ Mar. 29 2003,1:42)
LOL!!!!!

 The vibes are definitely better here.
Got another for you.

Burglar breaks into what he thinks is an empty house.As he creeps through the livingroom, he hears a loud voice say,"Jesus is watching you!"
 The house goes quiet again so the burglar starts to tiptoe forward .
" Jesus is watching you!" the voice booms again.
He stops dead in his tracks.He is frightened.
Frantically he looks around and in the corner spots a birdcage containing a parrot.
  He asks the parrot,"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
 "Yes" says the parrot.
  The burglar breathes a sigh of relief, and asks the parrot's name.
 "Clarence,"said the bird.
 "That's a stupid name for a parrot,"sneers the burglar."What idiot named you Clarence?"
 The parrot says:"The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
                                   
                               Jules :)

I've heard that one before :D

Posted by: tartangal 31-Mar-2003, 01:12 PM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack,so he says,"Miss Whack,I'd like a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.
   Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger,his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's ok, he knows the bank manager.
     Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
      The frog says "sure,I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about 1/2 inch tall- pink and perfectly formed.
     Very confused, Pattie explains that she will have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back office.
    She finds the manager and says," There's afrog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000 and wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
   The bank manager looks back at her and says.....
"It's a knickknack Pattie Whack ,give the frog a loan.His old man's a Rolling Stone."


                          Jules :laugh:

Posted by: maggiemahone1 31-Mar-2003, 03:04 PM
:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
That was funnieeee!!!

maggiemahone1

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 31-Mar-2003, 05:44 PM
Old joke... but worth "repeating".  Best said with broque.

How many beans does it take to make Irish Bean Soup?
Two-hundred and thirty nine.
One more and it would be two-farty.
:cool:

Posted by: MDF3530 31-Mar-2003, 06:14 PM
Quote (Gaelic Bread @ Mar. 31 2003,5:44)
Old joke... but worth "repeating".  Best said with broque.

How many beans does it take to make Irish Bean Soup?
Two-hundred and thirty nine.
One more and it would be two-farty.
:cool:

That was good especially said aloud with a wee bit of broque.

Posted by: free2Bme 31-Mar-2003, 08:15 PM
Here's another old joke...

Three guys, Dave, Paul, and Mike died and found themselves at the gates of paradise. The angel said, "I'll let you three inside, but on one condition. You must never step on a duck."

The three guys accepted this strange condition and went on in.

While walking on a grassy field, Dave took time to look at the blue cloudless sky. Suddenly... "quack..."

The angel appeared beside him. "You have stepped on a duck. You are liable for exile, but if you still desire to remain, you will have to marry the ugliest woman alive."

Dave had no choice but to agree.

Paul was walking in the middle of paradise. while he stopped to smell the flowers, ... "quack quack!"

The angel promptly appeared and said the same thing, and soon Dave and Paul were talking to each other about how unfortunate they were to have married the two ugliest women alive.

One day the two downcast friends met Mike, who was obviously very happy and had no idea what had happened to the other two. Dave and Paul were so surprised when they saw who Mike was with-- a gorgeous supermodel. He
introduced her as his wife. They asked him how he came to be so lucky.

To which Mike replied: "Well, she wouldn't tell me anything. She just said that she stepped on a duck...."

:p


Posted by: maggiemahone1 01-Apr-2003, 11:22 AM
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an  exceptionally tall handsome, extremely sexy, middle aged man entered.  He was so handsome that the woman couldn't keep her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly over to her.

Before she could offer her apoligies for staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do for 20$, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman ask what the condition was.

The man replied. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a 20$ bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.  She looked into his eyes and meaningfully said...

"Clean my house"
:)  :D  :laugh:
maggiemahone1

Posted by: tartangal 01-Apr-2003, 01:42 PM
Maggie,
  LOL. That's not only a joke, that's every woman's dream.Sigh! If only!!
                          Jules :D

Posted by: free2Bme 02-Apr-2003, 04:50 AM
LOL! :D

I saw a bumper sticker on a car this morning: "Since my divorce I need THREE men to Keep me HAPPY! One to cook, one to clean, and one to mow the yard!" :p

Posted by: free2Bme 02-Apr-2003, 04:52 AM
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.

The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Posted by: tartangal 02-Apr-2003, 10:54 AM
LOL!!!


                         Jules :D

Posted by: barddas 02-Apr-2003, 11:23 AM
OUCH! WHHHEEW  That was funny Free2bme!
:p

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 02-Apr-2003, 12:33 PM
I bow to the Queen of Janetania!

Bwaaahaaahaaaa... that's funny! :laugh:

Posted by: free2Bme 02-Apr-2003, 01:37 PM
Ther's no need to bow, a simple kiss of my ring will suffice :p

I will try not too post anything too controversial - but I could not pass that one up. :D


Posted by: MDF3530 02-Apr-2003, 05:32 PM
I've heard that one before but it's still funny :laugh: !

Posted by: free2Bme 02-Apr-2003, 05:46 PM
This is one only fellow Scadians will understand and appreciate - a new definition for PMS! (its baaaaaaad)

http://www.ebaynham.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=eb&Product_Code=prem&Category_Code=sanr

Posted by: free2Bme 03-Apr-2003, 11:04 AM
Your daily humor:

Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?
A: Why should he go out when he can get bombed at home!


***


The recent referendum in Iraq has confirmed Saddam Hussein as president for another seven-year term by 100% support.

An old man voted No at the first instance but was so worry about the consequence. He therefore went back to the voting station and told the administrator: "Look, I am such a old man and have probably made a mistake by putting the X at the wrong position, I beg you not to punish me and
wish to correct my mistake". The adminstrator said to him, "Don't worry, we have corrected it for you already".

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 03-Apr-2003, 09:39 PM
Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.

"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is Saddam is still alive. The bad news is he lost an arm."

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 03-Apr-2003, 09:53 PM
AUTO REPAIR:
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET:
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

EXPOSURE:
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right br_ast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your br_ast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY G_D, I left the baby on the bus again!"

KNITTING:
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM:
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY:
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M.
~Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note....
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

Posted by: barddas 04-Apr-2003, 08:08 AM
Quote (free2Bme @ April 02 2003,6:46)
This is one only fellow Scadians will understand and appreciate - a new definition for PMS! (its baaaaaaad)

http://www.ebaynham.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=eb&Product_Code=prem&Category_Code=sanr

Oh that WAS bad... Too funny!! :p  :O

Posted by: tartangal 04-Apr-2003, 09:12 AM
What's a Scadian??

  Am I stupid or just from a different country? I've never heard that word.
                        Jules ???

Posted by: free2Bme 07-Apr-2003, 10:26 AM
SCA = Society for Creative Anachronisms (aka people who wear funny clothes and try to re-create the middle ages)

Scadian = someone who is a member of the SCA who dresses in funny clothes and tries to recreate the middle ages.

The whole entire world is divided up into kingdoms, and each kingdom is divided into shires. It is much like a social organization, but only more so.  www.trimaris.org is the kingdom that I belong to.

Posted by: free2Bme 07-Apr-2003, 10:28 AM
He Said She Said

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'

She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 07-Apr-2003, 11:55 AM
Wasn't sure whether this should go to this thread, or in the Iraq Conflict area.  I chose the obvious humor route...

Posted by: tartangal 07-Apr-2003, 01:52 PM
lol. TEHEHE. lIKED THAT ONE!

                      Jules :D  :laugh:

Posted by: barddas 08-Apr-2003, 12:03 PM
ok, that was funny.....


:p

Posted by: Cabbagehome 09-Apr-2003, 10:23 AM
Wow ther have been some really good one lately.  Even if some are oldies they are still good to hear again.

Posted by: RavenWing 10-Apr-2003, 07:39 AM
I got that one too.  I e-mailed it to everybody  :D

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 11-Apr-2003, 12:41 PM
A "chicken joke" NOT for the kids:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit ticked-off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

:D

Posted by: tartangal 11-Apr-2003, 12:46 PM
LOL.LMAO



                          :D Jules

Posted by: free2Bme 12-Apr-2003, 08:22 AM
A forty year old woman was at home jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and then asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you anyway?"

The woman joyously continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 40 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she answered...




The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 13-Apr-2003, 02:44 PM
Father O'Malley was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new was covered in the Bible. After the service, he was approached by Mrs. Flaherty who said, "Father, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."  Father O'Malley replied that he was sure it must be covered in there someplace, and he would look for it. The following week after the service, he called Mrs. Flaherty aside and showed her a passage which read:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!!!"
:D


Posted by: free2Bme 14-Apr-2003, 06:27 AM
An oldie but a goody ! LOL! :laugh:

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 14-Apr-2003, 04:50 PM

Posted by: barddas 15-Apr-2003, 01:06 PM
Very funny Gaelic Bread!!!

:D

Posted by: free2Bme 15-Apr-2003, 08:47 PM
It reminds me of a very old running gag on Saturday Night Live!  ROFL!  :D

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 18-Apr-2003, 06:11 PM
~A potpourri of thoughts and stories~

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

A visitor from The Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

~And my personal favorite~

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??

Posted by: Cabbagehome 19-Apr-2003, 06:29 AM
Oh bread you do come up with some cuties.

Posted by: aklassie 21-Apr-2003, 08:53 PM
This isn't a joke but you'll love this.
I had jury duty today.  After our fist brake we all came back into to courtroom.  The judge comes in and one of the lawers got up to speek.  A few min. later a women comes in from the judge's chambers with a piece of paper and hands it to the judge.  A few min. later he calls out a mans name and tell him his wife called and thier cow is in labor and she doesn't know what to do and he needed to come home.  He was excused from jury duty.

Posted by: maggiemahone1 22-Apr-2003, 06:53 AM
That works everytime, aklassie!  :D My husband and I got a good laugh out of that one.  Now we know what to do to get out of jury duty!  

maggiemahone1

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 22-Apr-2003, 09:02 PM
Ak, do you suppose that would work with the family Hamster?

After some of the trials that I've had to sit through in the Philadelphia Federal Court, I would use ANY excuse to get out of it!!!
:cool:

Posted by: MDF3530 22-Apr-2003, 10:39 PM
Quote (Gaelic Bread @ April 22 2003,10:02)
Ak, do you suppose that would work with the family Hamster?

After some of the trials that I've had to sit through in the Philadelphia Federal Court, I would use ANY excuse to get out of it!!!
:cool:

You could try it, although you would probably would want to keep an eye out for the men in white coats with butterfly nets, 'cause the judge might think you're certifiable :p  :D  :p  :D .

Posted by: kyladdie 25-Apr-2003, 08:58 PM
I heard a good one today.

It seems that a young man, an old man, and a donkey pulling the wagon were going to a nearby village for supplies. The young man was riding and the older man was walking beside the donkey, when a passer by saw this, he said to the young man: "Shame on you for riding in the wagon, while the old man is walking. You should let the old man rest and ride!"

They switched places and continued toward the village, until another passer by said to the older man: "You should let the young man ride and steer the donkey, for he is stronger than you!'  Again, they switched places, and continued on.

A third man came up to them and scolded both the old and young man by saying that: "They should both ride and let the ass do the work." So they both got on the wagon and rode on.

The journey continued until they were close to the village, when they encountered another man scolded them for making the ass carry too much weight with both of them on the wagon. So they both got off the wagon, and started to carry the ass across the bridge over the river to town.

Well, the men strained to carry the ass across the bridge and when they got halfway across the bridge, the weight of the men and the ass broke the board underneath them! They struggled and somehow the ass fell over the side of the bridge, fell into the current of the river, and drowned.

The moral of this story is:
If you try to please everybody, you are going to end up losing your ass! :D

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 27-Apr-2003, 11:09 AM
All the brewery Presidents gathered at a convention one day to discuss the business.  Before the meeting started, they all headed for the bar to get a drink.

The President of Anheuser-Busch ordered a Budweiser.

The President of Coors ordered a "Silver Bullet".

The President of Labatt's ordered a "Blue".

The President of Guinness ordered a diet Coke.

When asked why he didn't order a Guinness, He said, "If no one else is going to drink beer... either am I!"
:D


Posted by: MDF3530 27-Apr-2003, 01:16 PM
Guinness?!? Blech :p !

Posted by: tartangal 27-Apr-2003, 01:47 PM
Not close enough to Corona with a slice of lime? Eh Mike!
                       
   :p Jules :)

Posted by: MDF3530 27-Apr-2003, 10:58 PM
Here is what I think the recipe for one pint of Guinness is:

One (1) loaf of bread (wheat or rye)
One (1) quart of motor oil (used)
One (1) wooden bat (baseball or cricket)

Pour motor oil over loaf of bread. Let soak for about a month. Proceed to beat into liquid form with wooden bat.

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 28-Apr-2003, 11:19 AM
I honestly thought you were gonna say: Saturate the bread with the oil, squeeze it over your face and then smack yourself in the skull with the bat... it's quicker than waiting for the hangover.
:D

Posted by: MDF3530 28-Apr-2003, 03:36 PM
Quote (Gaelic Bread @ April 28 2003,12:19)
I honestly thought you were gonna say: Saturate the bread with the oil, squeeze it over your face and then smack yourself in the skull with the bat... it's quicker than waiting for the hangover.
:D

That'd work too :D .

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 01-May-2003, 02:36 PM
The Setting:  Typical Irish Pub

A guy stumbles up to another guy and offers to buy him a beer.  The second
guy says, "Thanks...Hey, do I know you from somewhere?"

The first guy drains his beer and says, "I dunno, where you from?"

The second guy says, "I'm from Ireland."  "No kidding," says the first guy,
"I'm from Ireland, too."

The second guy says, "Well, I'm from Dublin."  The first guy says, "Holy
moley, I'M FROM DUBLIN, TOO!"

The second guy says, "What school did you go to?  I graduated from St.
Mary's in '69."  "Incredible," says the first, "I graduated from St. Mary's
in '69, too!"

Another guy watching from across the bar says to the bartender, "What's
going on there?"

The bartender says, "Not much...the O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 06-May-2003, 12:27 PM
Blind Seamus walks into a store with his seeing-eye-dog.
After awhile, he picks-up the dog by the chain and starts swinging him furiously around his head.
The concerned manager dashes up to Blind Seamus and asks him, "Sir, is there something I can help you with?"
His reply: "No, thank you.  I'm just browsing."
:laugh:



Posted by: free2Bme 06-May-2003, 01:14 PM
ooooooooooooooooooooooh that was BAD!!!  :p

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 06-May-2003, 09:37 PM
Okay then...

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
???
One less drunk.
:D

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 06-May-2003, 09:44 PM
A blonde Irish woman calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I'd want you to relax. Let's have a Guinness, and then ..." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Posted by: tartangal 06-May-2003, 10:08 PM
LOL. OH I liked those!
                          Jules :D

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 07-May-2003, 07:37 AM
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive Irish blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.  Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
:D

Posted by: free2Bme 09-May-2003, 05:50 AM
A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?" The guy asks "What's it all about?"

The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail, you have to buy the whole pub a drink."

The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate .................the steaks are too high!"

Posted by: Keltic 09-May-2003, 09:52 PM
The Pope arrives at JFK airport and is met by a limo driver. The limo driver loads the Popes bags into the trunk of the limo and gets into car. The driver looks up and notices that the Pope is still standing outside of the car. The limo driver asks if something is wrong and the Pope says "In all the years that I have been Pope, I have always had somebody drive for me. Just this once, I want to drive."

The driver says to the Pope that he will lose his job and the Pope replies "I am the Pope and I want to drive."

Knowing that he can't win this one, the driver climbs into the backseat and with tires squealing, the Pope takes off. Heading down the highway at 100 MPH, the limo is pulled over by the police. The officer gets out of his car and approaches the driver side of the car. The Pope lowers the window and the officer heads right back to his car and onto the radio.

"Captain, we have a problem"
"What is it?"
"I just pulled over a car doing 100 MPH on the highway"
"Well, give him a ticket. What's the problem?"
"You don't understand... this guy's a bigwig"
"Even more of a reason to give him a ticket. Make an example of him"
"You don't understand... this guys really big"
"Who is it? Is it the Mayor?"
"No. Bigger!"
"Is it the President?"
"No. Even bigger than that?"
"Well, who is it then?"
"I'm not sure but he has the Pope as a driver!"

Posted by: aklassie 09-May-2003, 10:59 PM
:D LOL

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 09-May-2003, 11:12 PM
Want to know the true history of how copper wire was invented?

It was two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
:laugh:

Posted by: free2Bme 10-May-2003, 05:28 AM
Those were pretty good erns' :laugh: :laugh:

I can believe that about the copper wire! :laugh:

I pinch my pennies so tightly that heads and tails are on the same side!

Posted by: kyladdie 13-May-2003, 08:40 PM
There was a Scotsman who walked in a pub only to find he was alone except for the bartender, who was on the telephone off in a far corner of the pub.
The man sits down while waiting to order a pint, and suddenly he hears a voice saying, "He dresses real nice!"
He looks around, but there is nobody around except him and the bartender, who is still on the phone.
The man shouts, "Did you say something to me?" to the bartender across the room.
The bartender shakes his head, and continues his phone call.
The man relaxes a bit, until he hears a wee little voice saying: " I like him, he has a nice voice"!
The Scotmsan jumps out of his chair and says: "I demand to know who said that?"
The bartender then ends his phone call and starts to walk over to the bar, when the Scotsman hears another wee little voice saying to him, "Aye, He has good reflexes too!"
The man says to the bartender, "Did you hear that voice? Laddie, please tell me I'm not going crazy."
The bartender reaches over and grabs a bowl full of nuts, hands them over to the man and says, " Have some nuts, they are complimentry!

Posted by: Keltic 13-May-2003, 09:17 PM
A recently immigrated Irishman ends up in a pub in New York. He sits in a booth alone and orders 3 pints of Guiness. After finishing his pints, he gets up and leaves. The following Friday, he returns, sits at the same table and orders 3 pints of Guiness again. This becomes a weekly occurence which doesn't go unnoticed by the bartender or the regulars.

One day, the bartender tells the man that he need not order the 3 pints at once. He has no problem returning to the table to serve the man. The Irishman explains that back home, he and his two brothers would meet at the local pub each and every Friday for a pint. Coming into this pub and ordering 3 pints every Friday made him feel like he was back home having a pint with his brothers. The bartender was touched by this and so were the regulars upon hearing the explanation.

A few months later, the man comes into the pub and orders 2 pints of Guiness. A feeling of loss comes over the bartender and the regulars and tears start flowing. This poor man must have lost a brother. The bartender brings over the mans two pints and offers his condolences. The man looks at him and says "Nobody died! I've given up drinking."

Posted by: MDF3530 14-May-2003, 04:44 PM
Quote (free2Bme @ May 10 2003,6:28)
Those were pretty good erns' :laugh: :laugh:

I can believe that about the copper wire! :laugh:

I pinch my pennies so tightly that heads and tails are on the same side!

That's nothing!

When I pinch a penny, I can get fifty cents change!

Posted by: MDF3530 14-May-2003, 04:46 PM
Quote (Keltic @ May 13 2003,10:17)
A recently immigrated Irishman ends up in a pub in New York. He sits in a booth alone and orders 3 pints of Guiness. After finishing his pints, he gets up and leaves. The following Friday, he returns, sits at the same table and orders 3 pints of Guiness again. This becomes a weekly occurence which doesn't go unnoticed by the bartender or the regulars.

One day, the bartender tells the man that he need not order the 3 pints at once. He has no problem returning to the table to serve the man. The Irishman explains that back home, he and his two brothers would meet at the local pub each and every Friday for a pint. Coming into this pub and ordering 3 pints every Friday made him feel like he was back home having a pint with his brothers. The bartender was touched by this and so were the regulars upon hearing the explanation.

A few months later, the man comes into the pub and orders 2 pints of Guiness. A feeling of loss comes over the bartender and the regulars and tears start flowing. This poor man must have lost a brother. The bartender brings over the mans two pints and offers his condolences. The man looks at him and says "Nobody died! I've given up drinking."

I think that joke was first told by Metheuselah!

Posted by: free2Bme 14-May-2003, 07:32 PM
Which Metheuselah would that be...MacMetheuselah or O'Metheuselah ?   :D

Posted by: MDF3530 14-May-2003, 10:52 PM
Quote (free2Bme @ May 14 2003,8:32)
Which Metheuselah would that be...MacMetheuselah or O'Metheuselah ?   :D

Tough choice...Ian MacMetheuselah or Padraig (Paddy) O'Metheuselah...hmmm...might have to think that one over... :D

Posted by: MDF3530 14-May-2003, 11:00 PM
Just an observation...

Has anyone else ever noticed that 99% of all good jokes all start with, in one form or another, the phrase "a guy walks into a bar..." ?

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 16-May-2003, 07:31 AM
A guy walks into a "department store" to get a pint of "paint".  On his way to the "sale bin", he accidentally elbows a woman in the "chestal region".

"Maam," he says, "if your heart's as soft as your 'chestal region', surely you'll forgive me."

"Sir," she replies, "if your 'screwdriver' is as hard as your elbow... we need to exchange numbers".

*This post brought to you by The Committee to Eliminate "A guy walks into a bar" Jokes, and the censors for the Moral Majority.
:D



Posted by: tartangal 16-May-2003, 08:42 AM
LOL
        Jules :D

Posted by: MDF3530 16-May-2003, 04:58 PM
Not a joke but this attachment is still funny.

The attachment is yesterday's Grand Avenue comic strip. For those of you unaware of Grand Avenue, the characters are fraternal twins Gabby (the girl) and Mike (the boy), their grandma Kate (who, for unspecified reasons, the kids live with), and their dog, Rudy. I'm a fan of the strip, so I thought I'd pass this one along.

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 23-May-2003, 10:30 AM
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair,
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet,
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by,
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye:
"See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built?
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt!"

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be;
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothin' more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marvelled for a moment, then one said: "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonnie star the Scotsman's kilt did lift and show.

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled towards the trees.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,
"Oh, lad I don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!"

Posted by: barddas 23-May-2003, 11:32 AM
Great Song Gaelic Bread!  I have that on a old Dr. Demento album....

:p
guess thay had to move that sporran too!!! LOL!

Posted by: free2Bme 23-May-2003, 12:17 PM
It looks like both of you boys are singing the "blues" perhaps King Mac should change the color of your rank???

Posted by: CelticAingeal 23-May-2003, 12:53 PM
:D  *lol* GB, I love that song.  
I remember the first time I heard it I laughed till m'sides were sore.  :p

Posted by: MDF3530 23-May-2003, 02:59 PM
Quote (CelticAingeal @ May 23 2003,1:53)
:D  *lol* GB, I love that song.  
I remember the first time I heard it I laughed till m'sides were sore.  :p

The Scottsman still makes me laugh!!!

Posted by: tartangal 24-May-2003, 04:14 PM
:D Came across this joke today and thought it might tickle you.
 

      This man had a parrot which swore like a sailor.It was able to swear for a full five minutes without any repetition. The trouble was, the owner was a quiet, conservative man who was very distressed by the bad language.
      Eventually it just got too much, so the guy grabbed the bird by the throat and shook it hard, yelling "Quit it!".This only made the bird angry and so its swearing was worse than ever.
     This made the owner very angry so he locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet.This really got the bird mad. He scratched and clawed until the man let him out and immediately let forth  a torrent of obscenities that would make an old sailor blush.
    The guy was so annoyed that he grabbed the bird and threw it into the freezer.At first the swearing continued with the sound of the bird scratching and clawing.Then it suddenly went quiet.
   At first the man was so relieved that he just waited.But after a couple of minutes there was still no sound from the freezer so the guy opened the door , fearing that he had hurt the bird.
  The bird calmly hopped out and onto the man's arm and said "I'm terribly sorry for the trouble I've given you.I'll try my best to watch my language from now on."
 The man was astounded,what had come over the parrot?
   Then the parrot asked "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


                              Jules



Posted by: Gaelic Bread 24-May-2003, 05:02 PM
I DO love a good clean joke!
:cool:

Posted by: brettzky42 27-May-2003, 03:29 PM
The Setting: Typical Irish Pub

A guy stumbles up to another guy and offers to buy him a beer. The second guy says, "Thanks...Hey, do I know you from somewhere?"

The first guy drains his beer and says, "I dunno, where you from?"

The second guy says, "I'm from Ireland." "No kidding," says the first guy, "I'm from Ireland, too."

The second guy says, "Well, I'm from Dublin." The first guy says, "Holy moley, I'M FROM DUBLIN, TOO!"

The second guy says, "What school did you go to? I graduated from St. Mary's in '69." "Incredible," says the first, "I graduated from St. Mary's in '69, too!"

Another guy watching from across the bar says to the bartender, "What's going on there?"

The bartender says, "Not much...the O'Malley twins are drunk again."

tongue.gif


Posted by: MDF3530 27-May-2003, 04:02 PM
QUOTE (brettzky42 @ May 27 2003, 04:29 PM)
The Setting: Typical Irish Pub

A guy stumbles up to another guy and offers to buy him a beer. The second guy says, "Thanks...Hey, do I know you from somewhere?"

The first guy drains his beer and says, "I dunno, where you from?"

The second guy says, "I'm from Ireland." "No kidding," says the first guy, "I'm from Ireland, too."

The second guy says, "Well, I'm from Dublin." The first guy says, "Holy moley, I'M FROM DUBLIN, TOO!"

The second guy says, "What school did you go to? I graduated from St. Mary's in '69." "Incredible," says the first, "I graduated from St. Mary's in '69, too!"

Another guy watching from across the bar says to the bartender, "What's going on there?"

The bartender says, "Not much...the O'Malley twins are drunk again."

tongue.gif

That's been posted here before...

Sorry to break it to you...

Posted by: Knightly Knight 27-May-2003, 04:48 PM
Now do you wake up Crabby? Or just let her sleep?

Posted by: brettzky42 27-May-2003, 08:45 PM
So, Gaelic Bread did post the O'Malley twins joke. No more free jokes for you, Jim.

Posted by: Keltic 27-May-2003, 10:02 PM
A man on vacation in Toronto sees an old friend from back home in Newfoundland.

"John O'Leary!! I haven't seen you in ages."
"Oh my goodness!! Patrick!!! I don't believe my eyes. What brings you to Toronto?"
"I'm here on vacation. What are you doing here?"
"Well, I live here now and I'm going to college"
"That's great! What are you taking at college?"
"I'm only doing one course this semester and it's on logic"
"Logic? What's that?"
"Let me give you an example. Do you own a fishbowl?"
"Why yes I do."
"Using logic, since you own a fishbowl, I'd say that you have fish. A step further, since it is a fish bowl, I'd say that you probably have goldfish."
"That is great!! I do have fish and they are goldfish"
"Taking it a step further, logic would tell me that since you have goldfish, you probably have children"
"That is fantastic"
"...and further to that, since you have children, I would say that you are also married."
"I am amazed"
"Finally, since you are married, using logic, I would say that you are a heterosexual."
"That is just amazing."
"Well, Patrick, that's what I'm learning about at school"

The conversation continues for a while longer as the two old friends catch up and then they part ways. Patrick returns to Newfoundland and is telling a friend about his vacation.

"Oh yes. I ran into John O'Leary in Toronto."
"Really!?! I haven't seen him in years. What is he doing now?"
"He's living in Toronto and going to school. He's taking a course on logic"
"Logic? What's that?"
"Let me give you an example. Do you own a fishbowl?"
"No, I don't"
"Well, logic tells me that you are a homosexual!"

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 27-May-2003, 10:28 PM
Bwahhaaaahhaaaahaaaahaaahahahaaa!
laugh.gif
Hey. Wait a minute. I don't have goldfish!
Checking to be sure that wife and four kids exist.

Posted by: MDF3530 27-May-2003, 11:12 PM
I thought this was good!!!

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Letterman Family Barbecue

10. "Pass the gin"

9. "Uh oh! Uncle Earl's on fire"

8. "Thanks for posting my bail"

7. "How do you like your raccoon?"

6. "Keep it down -- Leno's on"

5. "Calm down, mom, I'm sure Clay will be fine"

4. "Another family barbecue, another crappy Top Ten list from Dave"

3. "Dave, try to keep your shingles out of the cole slaw"

2. "Use this on your show, and I'll sue your ass"

1. "More Canadian beef, Dave?"

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 29-May-2003, 08:59 AM
A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"





Posted by: Gaelic Bread 29-May-2003, 09:13 AM
Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he reaches the battlefield, suddenly on the crest of hill there appears a solitary figure, a little stocky ginger-haired guy in a kilt.

"Hammer of the Scots?" yells the wee Scottish guy on the hill. "Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye hammer!"

Edward turns to his commander and says, "Take 20 men and deal with that Scottish upstart!"

The commander send 20 men over the hill to kill the Scot.

Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. "Ye English bastards!" he yells. "Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ya!!"

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. "Take 100 men and kill that little guttersnipe!"

The commander sends 100 men over the hill to do the job. Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill again, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a bit torn. "Ye English Scum!" he yells.
"I'm just warming up!!!! Come and Get me!!!"

Edward loses patience. "Commander, take 400 men and personally Wipe Him Off The Face Of The Earth!" he yells.

The commander gulps, but leads 400 men on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing all torn, his face is covered in blood, snot and Irn-Bru, and yells, "Is that the best ye can do??? You're Bloody Wimmin!!!! Come on, come and have a go ya bunch of Jessies!!!"

Edward turns to his second in command. "Take 1000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!" he commands.

The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn.

"Your Majesty!!!" he yells "It's a trap!! There's two of them."

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 29-May-2003, 09:24 AM
This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".

The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."

The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."

The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, " Sssay! bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease."

The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please."

The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."

The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."

The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here."

The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK. Eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 29-May-2003, 09:26 AM
Two men at bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours. One of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me."

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

The man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" he asks.

"She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather sh_t her pants."

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 29-May-2003, 09:29 AM
My apologies to The Almighty right now...

There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home. He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by. He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face. The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again.

This time the nun hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall. By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not feeling too STRONG tonight, ARE YOU, BATMAN!"

Posted by: Aon_Daonna 29-May-2003, 05:23 PM
This is what a finnish friend sent me about Scotsmen:

why are scotsmen always so grumpy?

You would be grumpy, too, if you lived in a land where ppl wear skirts and the thistles grew thigh-high *grins*

Posted by: brettzky42 29-May-2003, 08:10 PM
Ok...these two Irish guys, Paddy and Moloney, get jobs refueling jets at the airport in Dublin.

While working hard at their task one day, a drop of fuel splashes out of the nozzle and lands right on Paddy's lips. To his amazement, it tastes like the finest Irish whiskey that he's ever had.

For the rest of their shift, Paddy and Moloney gulp down gallons of the stuff. At the end of the day they part ways and stagger to their homes.

About four hours later, Paddy's phone rings. It's Moloney.

"Paddy", Moloney says. "I need you to listen to me carefully."

"Aye Moloney, I'm listening", says Paddy

"Tell me, Paddy. How much of the jet fuel did ya drink?"

Paddy replies, "Surely Moloney, I drank as much as you."

"Then listen to me carefully", Moloney says. "Whatever ya do...DON'T FART."

"Now why should I be worryin' about fartin'?" Says Paddy.

Moloney replies: "'Cause that jet fuel is powerful stuff. I'm callin' from Tokyo!"
blink.gif

Posted by: brettzky42 29-May-2003, 08:54 PM
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says "My God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did. Everything was goin' fine but when she bent down to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in..." tongue.gif

Posted by: brettzky42 29-May-2003, 08:55 PM
A sales rep's car breaks down in the Scottish highlands. He sees a farmer and asks him where he can find a mechanic.

"Och none of them aroond here laddie," says the farmer, "We're all McDonalds."

Posted by: brettzky42 31-May-2003, 06:34 AM
Three Scotswomen, all neighbors, are walking home at night and find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon, and they can't see who it is. However, they would like to help him get home.

The first woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband."

The second woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband, either."

The third woman looks under his kilt and says "Why, he's not even from this village!" dry.gif

Posted by: MDF3530 31-May-2003, 10:40 AM
QUOTE (brettzky42 @ May 31 2003, 07:34 AM)
Three Scotswomen, all neighbors, are walking home at night and find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon, and they can't see who it is. However, they would like to help him get home.

The first woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband."

The second woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband, either."

The third woman looks under his kilt and says "Why, he's not even from this village!"  dry.gif

LOL laugh.gif !!! That was a good one laugh.gif !!! Kind of reminds me of the song The Scottsman!

Posted by: brettzky42 02-Jun-2003, 09:50 PM
Short but funny.....

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 02-Jun-2003, 10:51 PM
Bagpipes, huh?

Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

biggrin.gif

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 02-Jun-2003, 11:01 PM
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."


Posted by: Gaelic Bread 02-Jun-2003, 11:02 PM
Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they originally had chocolate on them..."


Posted by: Gaelic Bread 02-Jun-2003, 11:05 PM
Billy and Paddy were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".

Think about it... slowly

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 02-Jun-2003, 11:08 PM
Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"


Posted by: Gaelic Bread 02-Jun-2003, 11:09 PM
A Scot goes into a pub and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy pub, shrugs and hands the man a bottle of beer. The Scot drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks at him oddly but hands another beer to the Scot. He drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly. Again, the Scot drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman replies, "Look, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"
"I haven't got any money!"


Posted by: Gaelic Bread 02-Jun-2003, 11:17 PM
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."


Posted by: Gaelic Bread 02-Jun-2003, 11:19 PM
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


Posted by: MDF3530 02-Jun-2003, 11:24 PM
QUOTE (Gaelic Bread @ Jun 3 2003, 12:19 AM)
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

ROTFLMFAO laugh.gif biggrin.gif laugh.gif biggrin.gif laugh.gif biggrin.gif laugh.gif biggrin.gif !

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 02-Jun-2003, 11:41 PM
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation
released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 02-Jun-2003, 11:47 PM
Paddy, an Irishman, died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue required someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus took a look at the body, said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. It could be him. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked down and said, "Nope, that ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange, and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at the corpse and said, "Gee, he's burnt really bad. Will you roll him over?"

The mortician rolled the body on to its front and Sean looked down for a moment before saying, "No, it isn?t Paddy".

The mortician, puzzled, asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean replied, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What do you mean? No-one has two arseholes," said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ?Here comes Paddy with dem two arseholes!??
biggrin.gif

Posted by: brettzky42 03-Jun-2003, 05:36 PM
One of GB's recent ones reminded me of this:

An Irishman wanders into a bar and asks for 3 beers, 3 shots of whiskey, and 2 shots of vodka. After the bartender places them all on the bar, the man quickly slams down all 8 drinks.

Stunned, the bartender asks, "Why did you drink all those drinks so quickly?"

Slurring, the Irishman responds, "Ye'd drink that quickly if ye had what I got!"

Feeling sympathetic, the bartender asks, "What do you have?"

As the Irishman gets up and stumbles to the door, he replies..."A dollar!"
wacko.gif

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 05-Jun-2003, 07:24 PM
Since it's Baseball season...

An Irishman's first baseball game.


An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approached the batters box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."

The next batter hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN."

The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye bastard, run!

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over explained, "He can't run, he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, laddie, walk with pride."

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 05-Jun-2003, 07:34 PM
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry the two of you two years ago?"

She replied, "You did that, Father."

"And be there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father," said she.

"Well now said the Father, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."

Some years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said. "And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome to blow out your fookin' candle."


Posted by: Gaelic Bread 16-Jun-2003, 08:13 PM
After a long and tiresome weekend, I just HAD to go through this thread for one laugh. Good Lord, I forgot half this stuff and am howling!
laugh.gif

I LOVE this place!!!
biggrin.gif

Posted by: pawnman 17-Jun-2003, 07:35 AM
How can you tell an engineer is extorverted?
He looks at your shoes instead of his own.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

Posted by: RavenWing 17-Jun-2003, 11:11 AM
Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A. A stick

HAHAHAHAHAH!! I KILL ME!

Posted by: pawnman 20-Jun-2003, 11:39 AM
Three world-class surgeons are bragging to one another. The first says "I treated a car accident victim who had his arm lopped off. He is now a world-famous pianist" The second surgeon says "I treated another accident victim who had both legs completely crushed. Now he's a champion marathon runner". The last surgeon looks at them and says "That's nothing. I encountered an accident between a horse-drawn carriage and a car. All that was left was the back half of the horse and a pair of glasses. That man is now a Senator!"

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 20-Jun-2003, 12:05 PM
QUOTE (pawnman @ Jun 20 2003, 02:39 PM)
That man is now a Senator!"

Any guesses UrsaMajor?!!!!!!!
biggrin.gif
Me likey that one, Pawnman!

Posted by: pawnman 20-Jun-2003, 12:09 PM
Thanks. I notice most of your limericks got removed...what happened?

Posted by: barddas 20-Jun-2003, 02:37 PM
QUOTE (Gaelic Bread @ Jun 3 2003, 06:19 AM)
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

LMFAOROF!!!!!!!!!!!

GB, keep'em coming!!!!


Posted by: Swanny 20-Jun-2003, 07:50 PM
My dear old daddy sent this story to me in an Email. I thought it was too funny to not share.


Subject: Real funny dog story-THIS IS TEARS RUNNING DOWN YOUR CHEEK,FUNNY


> We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent. Like
a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of no discipline, I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights.

The new door cost over $200.

But I digress.Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family and a lot of drunk friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was however assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole damn house that worked, thus the assignment.

> I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to reheat on Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for 5 hours.

> After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat,returning in about an hour. An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30pm. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

> I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they
were sick. Suffice to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

> Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dogs out to relieve themselves. Well, the damn dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the floor or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time.

> When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had
fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we
humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

> Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the firstThanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I,we took off.

> Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We
endured this for the entire trip to Karee's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

> Once Jasper was firmly placed in her garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.

> Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen,unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my ass, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karee's house. Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse> brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the damn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to report that as of today(Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.

If any of you have a suggestion as to how I can remove unbaked dough from carpeting I would certainly
appreciate your feedback!




Posted by: Shadows 20-Jun-2003, 09:25 PM
So I finally catch up with the spinner of tall tails! The yellow snow has gone to ye brain friend LOL!

Posted by: Swanny 21-Jun-2003, 12:44 AM
Damn. Now ain't this the pits. You tell a friend about a great place to stop and grab an ale, and he tells all your secrets.

Good to see you hear, Lee. Hope you have as much fun with it as I do. These are some GREAT folks.

Swanny

Posted by: Herrerano 21-Jun-2003, 07:51 AM
Good story Swanny. I can see it all crystal clear.

Leo

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 21-Jun-2003, 01:19 PM
QUOTE (Swanny @ Jun 20 2003, 10:50 PM)
THIS IS TEARS RUNNING DOWN YOUR CHEEK,FUNNY

Holy Schnikeys!!!!!!!!!!! GREAT post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
biggrin.gif
I'll have to cut-and-paste that baby!!!!!!!!!
Bwahaaahaaahaaahaaahaaa!

Posted by: Shadows 21-Jun-2003, 06:16 PM
QUOTE (Swanny @ Jun 21 2003, 02:44 AM)
Damn. Now ain't this the pits. You tell a friend about a great place to stop and grab an ale, and he tells all your secrets.

Good to see you hear, Lee. Hope you have as much fun with it as I do. These are some GREAT folks.

Swanny

Talk about givin out secrets Now the whole foogin Celtic Nation knows my real name! wink.gif

I can tell these be good folks, I just want to know how ye got in! biggrin.gif

Well I guess that is what friends is for LOL!

Posted by: Shadows 22-Jun-2003, 04:11 PM
Old Angus McGregor was on his death bed and his good friend Sean McEwan was by his side.
Angus motioned for Sean to put his ear near so he could here him.
Sean bent closer to Angus.
Angus said to Sean " in the stand here by the bed is a 200 year old bottle of Scotch, I had hoped to drink it with ye on a special occasion, but it seems now it is to late. I want you to take that bottle to my grave after they lay me to rest and pour it over me remains."
Sean says" Aye I can do that for ye but do you mind if I pass it through me kidneys first?" ohmy.gif

Posted by: pawnman 23-Jun-2003, 12:55 PM
Priceless story about the dog, Swan!! Man, I culd picture the whole thing...Like a Cohen Brothers movie...I laughed through the whole thing.

Posted by: Highlander 23-Jun-2003, 10:11 PM
QUOTE (Gaelic Bread @ Mar 15 2003, 08:01 PM)
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tom Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've something to tell ya."
"Of course you may come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to tell ya, Brenda.  There was an accident down at the Guiness Brewervy..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.  "Please don't tell me..."
"I must Brenda.  Your husband Seamus is dead and gone.  I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.  "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear!" But you must tell me true, Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?"
Well, no Brenda... no.  Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

But what happened to "Tom" and when did "Tim" come into the picture... wink.gif

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 24-Jun-2003, 09:10 AM
Schizophrenic Irish!!!
biggrin.gif

That's why I AM... King of the Typos!

Posted by: pawnman 24-Jun-2003, 02:43 PM
Once upon a time, Santa was having a rough day. Rudolph and the other reindeer had escaped. He ripped his favorite red pants. Mrs. Claus burned the cookies, the elves were on strike, the toys were behind schedule...
Into all this, a small angel shows up at Santa's door. "I've got a christmas tree here for a Mr. Claus...Where do you want it?"

And that is how we got the tradition of putting an angel on top of the tree.

Posted by: Herrerano 25-Jun-2003, 02:26 PM
That is good, real good. I like that a lot, wish it translated into Spanish so I could share it here. hahahaha

Posted by: free2Bme 25-Jun-2003, 06:54 PM
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope
out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make
every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes
crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering,
basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do?
I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,
"I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just
now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 25-Jun-2003, 09:40 PM
Alright Popenator!!!!!!
biggrin.gif

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 03-Jul-2003, 02:08 AM
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...

What...

It COULD happen!
biggrin.gif

Posted by: Swanny 03-Jul-2003, 02:32 AM
biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

Posted by: pawnman 03-Jul-2003, 12:23 PM
Alright, GB...Maybe, just maybe they'd walk out of a bar looking for food...but they'd NEVER leave a pub! tongue.gif

Posted by: pawnman 03-Jul-2003, 12:33 PM
A woman goes out to buy a parrot. At the pet store, they see one for $100 and another fo $25. "What's wrong with the $25 parrot?" the woman asks the shopkeeper. "Oh, he's from a brothel. Picked up all manner of filthy language. He's healthy, though." Thinking she can deal with some filthy language to save $75, she takes it home. When they get home, the bird looks around. "SQWACK! New house! New Madame! SQWACK!" "Shut up, you stupid bird, I am not a Madame." Then her daughter walks in. The bird talks again "New house! New Madame! New whore! SQWAK!". The daughter runs up to her room. Then the husband comes home. The wife tells him "I bought a parrot, but he's from a brothel. I think he'll have to go back." "Oh, and why's that?" asks the husband. "Well, come here and I'll show you" she says. They walk into the bird's view and he starts up again "SQWAK! New house, new madame, new whore, hiya John!"

wink.gif biggrin.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: Shadows 03-Jul-2003, 07:31 PM
Mactavish stumbles out of the pub one nite and passes out under a tree . Early the next mornin 2 elderly American women find him asleep under the tree.

One turns to the other and says " Do you think it is true what they say about what is worn under a kilt ?"

The other takes her cane and gently lifts Mactavish's kilt... the 2 old women giggle like little school girls. One says " My my should we leave this fine gentleman a sign that we were her and appriciate what we saw ?"

The other agrees and remove the ribbon from her hair and tyes it around Mactavish's member.

A little latter Mactavish awakes and has to relieve himself so he walks to the nearby bushes and lifts his kilt...

He looks down see's the blue hair ribbon and says " Aye my good friend I don't know where we went last nite but it looks like we took 1st place.

ohmy.gif

Posted by: Swanny 04-Jul-2003, 12:17 AM
> Ladies vs. Real Women
>
> Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
> drop
> in a
> peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
> "fix-me-up."
>
> Real Woman - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
> damn
> bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you
> will
> eat it."
>
> *************************************************
>
> Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
> your
> forehead. The throbbing will go away.
>
> Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might
> still
> have the headache, but who cares?
>
> **************************************************
>
> Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
> prevent ice cream drips.
>
> Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
> Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up,
> eating
> it
> anyway.
> **************************************************
>
> Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
> the potatoes.
>
> Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for
> up to a year.
>
> ******************************************************
>
> Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit
> of
> the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside
> of the cake.
>
> Real Woman - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
>
> *******************************************************
>
> Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
> yield a beautiful glossy finish.
>
> Real Woman - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing
> egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
>
> ******************************************************
>
> Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing
> gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
>
> Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
>
> ******************************************************
>
> And finally the most important tip....
>
> Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
> for
> future use in casseroles and sauces.
>
> Real Woman - Leftover wine??!!




>

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 04-Jul-2003, 12:21 AM
That baby was "cut and pasted", plopped into an email and sent to my wife. This ought to be good!!!
biggrin.gif
Swanny, you rock!!!

Posted by: Swanny 04-Jul-2003, 12:23 AM
A stranger was seated next to Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Johnny and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Johnny, who had just opened a book that he wanted to read, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

Posted by: Swanny 04-Jul-2003, 12:26 AM
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
---------------------------------------------
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


Posted by: Swanny 04-Jul-2003, 12:39 AM
Two Wishes
A man walks into a restaurant with an full-grown ostrich behind him, and
as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man
says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll
have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have
the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with
exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The
usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a
steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the
ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity
any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just
put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers "My second wish was for a tall chick with
long legs who would agree with everything I say!"


Posted by: Swanny 04-Jul-2003, 12:46 AM
GROUCHY

Our daughter once asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?"

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

"He sent them also," the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years!" "No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."


Posted by: Swanny 04-Jul-2003, 05:17 PM
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

And;

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
(DAAAAHHH!

Posted by: Aon_Daonna 04-Jul-2003, 05:32 PM
*rofls*

A bus full of tourists drives through the lovely lowlands and the driver (obviously scottish) explains to the tourists what they just see (since they have booked the Battle-field tour).
"This is where the Scottish beat the English" (some ah's and oh's). Somewhere further on: "This is where the Scottish kicked the English"
Somwhere down the next hill: "This is where the Scottish smashed the English."
Crossing over another hill: "And this is where the Scottish whipped the English."

A bold tourist speaks up. "Ahh... Sir, didn't the English win any battle in this region?"

The driver: "Not when I drive the bloody bus!"

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 04-Jul-2003, 09:40 PM
WOW! This thread just got REAL hot!
laugh.gif
Great jokes all!!!
Those headlines had me full belly laughing!

Posted by: Swanny 08-Jul-2003, 05:24 PM
Life with four-year-olds

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with
crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about
2a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the
loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The
next day,I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep
with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't
sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me
up in the terminal at the appointedtime. Since the plane was late, there
were hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers, also. As
I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,

"Hi,Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's
the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet.

------------------------

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then
4yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her
stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began
playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants
to follow in my footsteps!'

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take
your order?"

--------------------

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say,"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


-------------------------

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find
a smooth one, can I play with him?"

----------------------------

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

---------------------


I saved the best for last:

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."




Posted by: Shadows 08-Jul-2003, 08:29 PM
A man walks into the office on Monday morning and sits at his desk still wearing his sunglasses. His boss approaches him and asks him to remove his glasses since it is not proper to wear them indoors during work hours.

The man removes them to reveal 2 black eyes. The boss asks how he got them.

The man explains: " I was in church yesterday when the minister askes us all to rise... the woman in front of me had her skirt stuck in the crack of her butt so I reached over the pew and pulled it out for her... she then belted me in the eye."

The boss said "I see but how did you get the other eye blackened?"

The man replied " Well I thought that she wanted it there so I tried to put it back in!"

Posted by: Herrerano 09-Jul-2003, 11:37 AM
Check this out (a little slow to load if you have a dial up, but worth the wait )

It's a cat thing
http://www.hot.ee/mastap/extremecats.wmv

Leo





Posted by: free2Bme 09-Jul-2003, 12:18 PM
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif


That is my cat to a tee...only Othello is much worse when he has been into the catnip!!!!!

They didn't show any clips of a cat with a tin can stuck on their head - Othello once tried to lick the last bit out of the bottom of a can of sardines and got very stuck! He panicked and ran around all over the kitchen before I could get to him to help him out!

Posted by: MDF3530 11-Jul-2003, 12:06 PM
Here's a good one I got in a "joke of the day" email today. Clean too ohmy.gif ...

I Am Napoleon

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another patient asked, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

Posted by: pawnman 17-Jul-2003, 08:35 AM
These are some real groaners:

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

What does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall?
DAM!

Why don't blind people skydive?
Scares their dogs.

How can you spot a blind man at a nudist colony?
It's not hard.




Posted by: Gaelic Bread 20-Jul-2003, 12:08 AM
I haven't contributed in my own daggum thread in awhile, so here goes:

Have You Seen A Ghost?

The Society of the Paranormal was having a convention in town and there were many attendees. The president of the society was at the podium delivering the opening address to all who were there in body and in spirit, and he asked the question: "Who of you have had the occasion to see a ghost?". There was a showing of perhaps forty hands, to which the speaker asked, "Who of you have had the occasion to speak with a ghost?". Once again the conventioneers raised hands, counting thirty or so. Then the question, "Who of you have had the occasion to have actually touched a ghost?", to which about ten hands were waved about. The speaker paused for a moment, and then delivered another query, "Who of you have had the occasion to have sex with a ghost?",and in the far back of the auditorium a lone hand was raised. "Would the usher please escort that individual with his hand raised to the stage? I simply must inquire further." And with a couple of moments delay the man was brought forward, who incidentally turned out to be a wee Scotsman in full kilt no less. When the Scot arrived on stage, the speaker asked him, "Well Sir, tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost.", to which the man replied, "Ghost? Laddie,I thought ye said goat!".


Posted by: free2Bme 20-Jul-2003, 05:33 PM
Needless to say Gb - that was B-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-d!

Posted by: Shadows 20-Jul-2003, 05:41 PM
Two Scotsmen were walking through the fields when one of them accidentaly stepped on the belly of a dead bloated goat... and that my friend was how the bagpipes came to be!

Posted by: free2Bme 22-Jul-2003, 03:05 PM
Sent to me in an email:

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
> her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
> and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go
> to the ball, but only on two conditions. First, you must wear a
> diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be
> home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
> Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes,
> and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up,
> looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you
> been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn
> into a pumpkin three hours
> ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
> "I know of no prince with that kind of
> power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly
> ...Peter Peter, something or other...."


Posted by: Kishmul 29-Jul-2003, 05:46 AM
Peter Coors, Augustus Busch, and Tom Guiness, the owners of three famous beer breweries met at a hotle one day and all decided to lift a beer.

Peter Coors ordered a Coors, Augustus Busch ordered a Budweiser and Tom Guiness ordered a Coke.

Astonished, Coors and Busch asked Guiness why he was drinking a Coke?

Well, he said, if you two aren't going to drink beer, neither am I.

Posted by: Swanny 03-Aug-2003, 10:45 PM
The preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when
he came upon Little Johnny trying to sell a lawn mower.
>
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
>
I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said Johnny.
>
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my
bike in trade for it?"
>
Johnny asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike
around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
>
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on
the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The Preacher called
Johnny over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
>
Little Johnny said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
>
The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."
>
Little Johnny looked at him; smiled and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya !"



Posted by: Swanny 03-Aug-2003, 10:47 PM
> After every Qantas airlines flight, pilots complete a
> sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems
> encountered with the aircraft during the flight. The
> mechanics read and then respond in writing on the
> other half of the form what remedial action was taken.
>
>
> Never let it be said that ground crew and engineers
> lack a sense of humor.
>
> Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
> responses:
>
> P = the problem logged by the pilot
> S = the solution and action taken by engineers.
>
> Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has
> never had an accident.
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S:Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievable loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're there for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
>

Posted by: Swanny 03-Aug-2003, 10:59 PM
A SCOTTISH GHOST STORY
>
> This American tourist was on the side of the road hitch near Castle Mey, hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
>
Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the guy got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
>
Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest town.
>
Wet and in shock, he went into a pub and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk.
>
About half an hour later two other guys walked into the same pub. One says to the other, "Look Aiden, Isn't that the bloody idiot wot rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain?"
>

Posted by: Swanny 03-Aug-2003, 11:04 PM
Blame It On The South
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. I have some
Southern folks up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are
swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all
over their robes, ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over
the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair.

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil.

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold on." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?" The Lord replied, "Tell me
what kind of problems you are having down there." The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said"Okay, I'm back. What was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... hold on, Lord". This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These southerners done put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!

Posted by: Swanny 04-Aug-2003, 03:29 AM
A shipwrecked Scotsman finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regained consciousness on the beach, he noticed a beautiful, unclad nymphet standing over him.
"Would you like some food?" she asked.

The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"

She disappeared into the woods and quickly came back with a heaping helping of haggis. "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!"

She disappeared into the woods again and returned sometime later with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt scotch whiskey. The Scotsman was beginning to think that he was in heaven!

Then, the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said "Would you like to play around?"

"Och lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"


Posted by: Gaelic Bread 11-Aug-2003, 09:57 AM
A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived
all his life and into a real forest.
Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers.
He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself,
this isn't right, everyone should live in peace.
So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they
stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes.
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest
of the bears in the forest were female.
Poof, all of them are female.
Next, the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.
The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why
he would want a crash helmet??
The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good
second wish and wishes that all the rest of the
bears in the country were female.
Again, -- poof -- all the rest became female.
Then, the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.
Now the bear steps back and looks
at the rabbit in amazement.
How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself.
All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the
motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest
creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.
It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a
second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it.
After a minute he wishes that all the other bears
in the whole world were female.
And again, --poof-- they are all female.
Next, the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike.
He turns around and smiles. Then he says,
''I wish that bear was gay!''

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 11-Aug-2003, 09:57 AM
A man goes into the doctor and says...

Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth!...

The Doctor says ....the psychiatrist is next door!

and the man says ....I know but your light was on!

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 11-Aug-2003, 10:01 AM
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, "I screwed your mom last night!"
Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him. Again, he hears, "Your mom was good in bed last night!"'
Again, he tries to ignore it. The man is just about to speak
again but the guy stops him and says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk!"
beer_mug.gif

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 11-Aug-2003, 10:03 AM
Two guys awake after a wild night of boozing at a house party. "Oh crap" says the first guy "I must have left my wallet at the party. Can you remember where the house was?"
"All I can remember is the house had a green door, and a gold coloured toilet bowl" said the other guy.
After much deliberation they decided to drive back into town and stop at every house with a green door, and ask if they had a gold toilet bowl.
After 6 or 7 failures they arrive at this house and knock on the door. An old lady answers "Can I help you?" she says.
One of the guys says "Yes, do you have a gold coloured toilet bowl by any chance?"
The old lady turns on her heels and roars upstairs to her husband, who's sitting on the toilet bowl.
"Michael" she shouts "Here are the two gobshites that shat in your trombone!!!"
note.gif

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 11-Aug-2003, 10:09 AM
Actual Sign At The Center Valley Golf Club:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF!
laugh.gif

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 11-Aug-2003, 10:13 AM
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their ass when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 11-Aug-2003, 10:19 AM
The blonde was broke and desparate. She knocked on the door of a doctor's house and said she needed money and would be willing to work for it. The doctor asked if she would be willing to paint his porch. He would give her $50 to do it.
The blonde said that would be fine. The doctor's wife said the blonde must be really dumb to do such a big job for only $50. "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" the wife asked. "I guess so," the doctor told his wife. A few minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. "All done," she said, "and by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 11-Aug-2003, 10:21 AM
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 11-Aug-2003, 10:24 AM
Man: Doctor, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass Of Home." Can you help me?

Dr.: Ah yes, you appear to be suffering from Tom Jones Syndrome.

Man: Is it rare?

Dr.: Well, its not unusual...

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 11-Aug-2003, 10:26 AM
Little Patrick keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to
which his Dad keeps saying "No".

After all the nagging, he agrees and says,"OK".

Several nights later Patrick comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's
Love?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also
gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.

Patrick now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"

Patrick replies,


"Wimbledon."

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 11-Aug-2003, 10:29 AM
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 11-Aug-2003, 10:39 AM
Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

IRELAND
"Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it??
FRANCE
?Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren?t the French just Germans who can make sauces??
ITALY
?Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O?s! ?
POLAND
?Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs??
GERMANY
?Is this bratwurst kosher??
TURKEY
?Where?s the hash at? It?s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds??
KOREA
?Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him??
CHINA
?This wall isn?t so great.?
SWEDEN
?Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke??
YEMEN
?Yemen? That?s a stupid name for a country. What?s it mean -- ?Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ??
INDIA
?You don?t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here??
ETHIOPIA
?After a long day of travel, I?m famished. Hey ? those flies sure love your pregnant son!?
CANADA
?You?re like Americans without money.?
SPAIN
?So, this is the country that?s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos??
SOUTH AFRICA
?I liked it better the other way.?
MEXICO
?What's that smell??
SAUDI ARABIA
?Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what??
RUSSIA
?Is it always this cold and economically devastated??
UZBEKISTAN
?Can you spell Uzbekistan??
GREECE
?I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AFGHANISTAN
?Seriously, where is the real country? where is everything??
JAPAN
?What?s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi??

Posted by: MDF3530 11-Aug-2003, 03:37 PM
A good joke I heard today...

Three old men bring their wives to a baseball game. The wives somehow managed to sneak a bottle of Johnnie Walker into the park. They start drinking heavily and by the middle innings the whiskey is almost gone. One of the old men notices the nearly empty bottle, leans over to his buddies and says, "We've got a problem."

One of the other two says, "What's that?"

The first one says, "It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded."

Posted by: MDF3530 12-Aug-2003, 04:34 PM
A great one that got sent to me in an email today...

The Door Stopper

Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.

Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

Posted by: Shadows 12-Aug-2003, 05:30 PM
A moron ( insert here any group you wish to slamb ) goes to his first baseball game. He has seats near the ground level of the field. After the first pitch he hears some one call out " Hey Steve". He turns around in his seat and scans the seating behind him. To his surprise he sees no one he knows. Again a few more minutes into the game he hears again "Hey Steve"; again he looks arond the stadium behind him to no avail!
By this time he has purchased a beer and hotdog, Again he hears , "Hey Steve".
He turns to the person next to him and asks them to hold his beer and dog while he again scours the crowd to see who is calling. Again no luck.
He takes his beer and hotdog back from the person and again he hears, "Hey Steve"
This time he turns and yells into the crowd, "Damn you my name ain't Steve!"

Posted by: andylucy 12-Aug-2003, 08:05 PM
This one is an old one around the reenacting circles of the NWTA, my apologies if you've heard it before.

This guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He goes up to the bar and the bartender just has to ask, "Hey, what's with the octopus?"

The man leans against the bar, setting the octopus on top of the bar, and says, "This octopus can play any musical instrument that you give him." The bartender, incredulous, says, "There's a piano in the corner. If he can play that I'll give you a drink on the house."

The man takes the octpus over to the piano, puts him on the stool, and the octopus begins to play a piece of Chopin that would make Van Cliburn envious.
The bartender is amazed and quickly pulls a beer for the man.

The bartender, wanting to see if the octopus' ability extends to other instruments, pulls his guitar out from behind the bar, and gives it to the man. He places the guitar in front of the octopus, who picks it up and begins to wail away on a blues riff that would have made Stevie Ray Vaughn green with envy.

Impressed, the bartender says, as he pulls the second drink, "I guess there's not really an instrument he can't play, is there?" The man replies, "Nope," and gulps the beer.

From the back of the bar, a kilt-clad Scotsman says, "Well, laddie, I've got an instrument that I'll wager ye a wee dram that he canna play." The man says, "You have a bet."

The Scotsman brings up a set of Highland bagpipes and lays them on the bar. The man sets the octopus next to them. The octopus looks at the pipes, then jumps on them, then jumps off. He circles around, and tries jumping on them again. He jumps off.

The Scotsman, leering, said, "Well, laddie, I'll be having my drink now." The man replied, "Wait a minute. As soon as he figures out that he can't mate with it, he'll start to play it."


Slainte,

Andy

Posted by: MDF3530 12-Aug-2003, 08:10 PM
I think I've heard or read that one before...

Posted by: Herrerano 12-Aug-2003, 09:53 PM
And now for something completely different.


Click this link and HANG ON.

http://www.humor-zone.com/fartingdogs.htm


cool.gif Leo tongue.gif

Posted by: MDF3530 13-Aug-2003, 10:16 AM
QUOTE (Herrerano @ Aug 12 2003, 10:53 PM)
And now for something completely different.


Click this link and HANG ON.

http://www.humor-zone.com/fartingdogs.htm


cool.gif Leo tongue.gif

That's gross puke.gif !!!

I got a good one biggrin.gif :

http://www.sparklet.com/~royce/trams/KnowJackSchitt.swf

Posted by: RavenWing 13-Aug-2003, 11:22 AM
That was disgusting, but funny! (the dog one)

Posted by: barddas 13-Aug-2003, 12:14 PM
What beautiful music....

That was good!!!!

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 13-Aug-2003, 01:23 PM
OH BABY!!! Am I glad to see this thread up and running again!
laugh.gif
Mey, MDF... that baseball one was GREAT!!! thumbs_up.gif

Someone (Paul) ought to gather-up the pages of jokes, make them Celtic, and produce a fund-raising joke book for CelticRadio.net.

Posted by: Roisin-Teagan 15-Aug-2003, 03:09 AM
Great jokes Gaelicbread!
They are witty.
laugh.gif tongue.gif angel_not.gif cool.gif
So how many do you know anyway? wink.gif

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 15-Aug-2003, 07:54 AM
QUOTE (Roisin-Teagan @ Aug 15 2003, 06:09 AM)
So how many do you know anyway? wink.gif

It's not so much a matter of how many I know, so much as...
how many can I remember from the pubs!!!!!
beer_mug.gif thumbs_up.gif
There's probably 100 more that have been left in the bars.

Posted by: RavenWing 15-Aug-2003, 08:55 AM
I saw a t-shirt the other day that said "drink till she's Irish"

Posted by: tartangal 15-Aug-2003, 03:17 PM
Two Nuns

There were two nuns... One of them was known as
Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been
following us for the past thirty-eight
and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15
minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will
reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.
You go that way and I'll go this way.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and
is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell
me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man
followed me.

SM:So what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started
to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up
can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
say two Hail Marys! angel_not.gif

angel.gif

Posted by: brettzky42 15-Aug-2003, 10:17 PM
Just to jump back to Ravenwing's t-shirt remark...I recently saw one that said:

Mom, Dad...
I'm Gaelic

Posted by: brettzky42 15-Aug-2003, 10:27 PM
The bagpipes and the octopus made me think of a conversation a few musician friends of mine were having last month.

Bogside Bob, and accordion player of immense talent, was taking a break between sets one night, and we began talking about the many other instruments that he plays. He later mentioned that he wanted to learn bagpipes next.

Tim, the guitar player, overheard this and walked over. He asked Bob, "Do you know what bagpipes are good for?"

"No", Bob replied.

"Kindling for starting accordion fires!"

True, and funny.

Check out my friends from the http://bogsiderogues.com/ here!

Posted by: free2Bme 16-Aug-2003, 06:01 AM
Don't knock the bagpipers laddie! I looove the bagpipers! Who else do ye know who not only can make beautiful music, but also can PROVE their unique talents to finger and blow all at the same time? clap.gif

Posted by: Shadows 16-Aug-2003, 06:15 PM
The Cat


A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard!"


The cabdriver hit a parked car...

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 19-Aug-2003, 11:34 AM
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The
doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the
eye and said, "I've got some bad news for you...you have the cancer
and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy,
shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to
compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting
room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so
well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been
given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few
pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached
by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were
celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and
the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his
impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live
as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their
condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his
confusion, "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer?
You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy
said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them
sleeping with your mother."

Posted by: barddas 19-Aug-2003, 12:13 PM
BWWWWHHHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! tongue.gif biggrin.gif laugh.gif

thumbs_up.gif
beer_mug.gif beer_mug.gif beer_mug.gif

Posted by: RavenWing 19-Aug-2003, 12:45 PM
biggrin.gif

Posted by: Roisin-Teagan 19-Aug-2003, 01:31 PM
laugh.gif laugh.gif biggrin.gif wink.gif

Posted by: tartangal 19-Aug-2003, 01:58 PM
Tee-hee-hee!!
laugh.gif biggrin.gif laugh.gif biggrin.gif laugh.gif biggrin.gif laugh.gif biggrin.gif

Posted by: MDF3530 19-Aug-2003, 02:38 PM
laugh.gif That was good laugh.gif

Posted by: Gilliechattan 22-Aug-2003, 06:22 AM
This has been around a while, but it has always been one of my favorites.

In the beginning, The Lord God Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to His mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal.

In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas".

"Excuse me Sire", interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots"?

"Not really", replied the Lord, "wait 'til you see the neighbours I'm giving them".
beer_mug.gif

Posted by: MDF3530 22-Aug-2003, 04:31 PM
I gotta raise my beer_mug.gif to that one!

That was good biggrin.gif !!!

Cheers cheers.gif !

Posted by: barddas 23-Aug-2003, 10:53 AM
That was good! Oh, Geeezzzz

here's a beer_mug.gif to you

Posted by: Swanny 23-Aug-2003, 11:31 AM
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness; couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later." The man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!

Posted by: MDF3530 23-Aug-2003, 04:50 PM
ROTFLMAO laugh.gif !

(big snort)

Ow, that hurt!!!

Posted by: Shadows 23-Aug-2003, 08:53 PM
Roll Yer own!!!



A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down
the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter. She says confused, "Sir, I thought you were
looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like
this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's
sooooooooooo much cheaper.
So..... I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
jawdrop.gif

Posted by: Swanny 25-Aug-2003, 10:30 PM
Oooooooooooooo. I'll have to share that one with my wife. band.gif Suicide is Painless (theme song from M*A*S*H)band.gif

Although poor grammer ("gender" is not a synonym of "sex") I'll share this one from my dear old Daddy!

What gender is it? If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example: ...

Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed

Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated

Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part

Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water

Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on

Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom

Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around

Remote Control -- Female . . . Aha! You thought it'd be male. But consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying anyway.

Posted by: free2Bme 26-Aug-2003, 04:26 AM
I love the jokes on this thread! It always starts my day with a good laugh!

Here is one that was sent to me in my email this morning, so I thought I would share....

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney
and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston,
Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."



Posted by: Shadows 28-Aug-2003, 03:16 PM
A women in her mid forties returns home from her anual Dr's exam.
Her husband asks, " well what did the old quack say?"

She replies, " he said I have the breasts of a twenty year old!"

Her husband asks, " well what did he say about yer ass?"

Without blinking an eye she replies, " Oh he did not mention you! "

Posted by: Roisin-Teagan 28-Aug-2003, 10:02 PM
QUOTE (Shadows @ Aug 28 2003, 04:16 PM)
A women in her mid forties returns home from her anual Dr's exam.
Her husband asks, " well what did the old quack say?"

She replies, " he said I have the breasts of a twenty year old!"

Her husband asks, " well what did he say about yer ass?"

Without blinking an eye she replies, " Oh he did not mention you! "

Ha-Ha-Ha-Haaaaaaa! laugh.gif laugh.gif biggrin.gif
Great one Shadows!

Posted by: MDF3530 31-Aug-2003, 09:18 AM
The Wrong Last Rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every Friday night I listen to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man, and says in a solemn voice:

"B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72."

Posted by: RICH 01-Sep-2003, 08:15 PM
The Ladies' Night Out

Three Scotswomen, all neighbors, are walking home at night and find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon, and they can't see who it is. However, they would like to help him get home. gossip.gif

The first woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband." rolleyes.gif

The second woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband, either." lookaround.gif

The third woman looks under his kilt and says "Why, he's not even from this village!" hypocrite.gif

RICH

Royal05.gif

Posted by: MDF3530 02-Sep-2003, 02:57 PM
A good one I got in a joke of the day email...

Guardian Angel on the Job

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Posted by: Keltic 02-Sep-2003, 09:56 PM
The bartender announced that the bar was closing for the night.
Patrick O'Connor, after a full night of drinking, tried to get up from his stool and fell to the floor. He grabbed at the bar and tried to pull himself up but fell to the floor again. He then dragged himself to the door and using the door handle, tried again to stand with no success. He dragged himself six blocks down the street to his house where he grabbed at the fence and tried again to pick himself up. Again, he fell to the ground. He then dragged himself to the door, managed to unlock the door and dragged himself into his bed.

The next morning, he was wakened by his wife.
"Patrick! You were out all night at the pub again, weren't you?"
"No dear I wasn't! "
"Patrick... don't lie to me. I know for a fact that you were sitting at the bar right up to closing. You then proceeded to drag yourself all the way home."
"You're right! I was there right up to closing but how did you know?"
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again!"

Posted by: RICH 03-Sep-2003, 01:33 AM
An Irishman's first baseball game.

An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approached the batters box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."

The next batter hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN."

The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye bastard, run!

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over explained, "He can't run, he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, laddie, walk with pride."

RICH

Royal05.gif

Posted by: Roisin-Teagan 03-Sep-2003, 03:26 AM
Hey Rich,

This one made me laugh out loud. laugh.gif biggrin.gif laugh.gif wink.gif
Thanks, It's just what I needed. cool.gif

Posted by: barddas 03-Sep-2003, 12:23 PM
Very Funny!!!!!!

LOL!!!!! thumbs_up.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: MDF3530 04-Sep-2003, 04:17 PM
Another good one I got in a joke of the day email...

Substitute at the Pearly Gates

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter came by and the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter asked the woman to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Posted by: Keltic 10-Sep-2003, 03:18 PM
A piping supplies store had a window display full of shotguns.
"I thought that this was a piping supply store. Do people really come here to buy guns?" asked a customer.
"They do." replied the shopkeeper. "One day someone comes in to buy bagpipes and a couple of days later, his neighbour come in to buy a shotgun."

Posted by: MDF3530 13-Sep-2003, 04:10 PM
I think I've posted this here before, but this joke is great!

QUOTE


?Rub-A-dub-dub, Thanks for the grub??

A new minister at his first service was so nervous he could hardly speak. After services he asked the senior pastor how he had done. The elder minister replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the minister?s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to
as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the big T!

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me."

The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Posted by: barddas 16-Sep-2003, 12:11 PM
A Scotsman was invited for a visit to the home of his Canadian friend. Soon after the Scotsman arrived, he glanced out the window to see a huge beast just outside. He pointed, and asked his Canadian friend, "Och, lad, what's that?" The Canadian replied, "Oh, that's a moose." The Scotsman stared in disbelief, and replied, "That's a moose?! Well, how big are yer cats around here?"
beer_mug.gif laugh.gif tongue.gif beer_mug.gif

Posted by: MDF3530 18-Sep-2003, 02:58 PM
Another good one I got in an email today...

QUOTE

Jonah's Fate

After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"

Posted by: RICH 18-Sep-2003, 11:06 PM
Indentification Through Anatomy:

Paddy, kid.gif an Irishman, died rip_1.gif in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue required someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Seamus partytime.gif and Sean jester.gif, were sent for.

Seamus went in first and the mortician nerd.gif pulled back the sheet. Seamus took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. It could be him. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked down and said, "Nope, that ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange, and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at the corpse and said, "Gee, he's burnt really bad. Will you roll him over?" The mortician rolled the body on to its front and Sean looked down for a moment before saying, "No, it isn't Paddy."

The mortician, puzzled, asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean replied, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What do you mean? shocking.gif No-one has two arseholes," said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Cause every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy kid.gif with dem two arseholes!'"
partytime.gif jester.gif

RICH
Royal05.gif

Posted by: Keltic 19-Sep-2003, 05:21 PM
A Newfoundlander, John O'Reilly and a mainlander, Gerry Regan applied for the same job with a prestigious company. The two of them had fantastic resumes and their experience related to the position was equal. They had the same level of education and to make the decision harder, they were both equally outgoing. The only way to decide who would get the job would be by administering a test and the person who scored highest would get the job. After completing the test, both of the applicants were called in for the decision.

"You both did amazingly well on the test. Both of you answered only one question incorrectly. Our decision is to give the job to you, Gerry."

Visibly upset, John questioned the decision. "I thought that we were both equally qualified for the job. If our tests were equal, how can you choose him over me?"

The employer answered, "You are right about both getting the same number of questions wrong but you both got the same question wrong. Now that would usually tell us that you did equally well but in this case, Gerry answered question number 9 with "I don't know". You on the other hand answered "Neither do I"."

Posted by: ranger 20-Sep-2003, 09:21 PM
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!
>
>
>
> 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
> 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
> 3. How about never? Is never good for you?
> 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
> 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
me.
> 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
> 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
> 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
> 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

> 10. Ahhh...I see the f--k-up fairy has visited us again...
> 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
> 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
> 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
> 14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
> 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
> 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
> 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

> 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

> 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
> 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
> 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
> 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
> 23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
> 24. Do I look like a people person?
> 25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
> 26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
> 27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
> 28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
> 29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
> 30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
> 31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
> 32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
> 33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
> 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
> 35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
> 36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
> 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
> 38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
>
>
>
Know it's kind of long, but thought you all might want something that you can post at work. biggrin.gif beer_mug.gif

Posted by: RICH 21-Sep-2003, 02:34 PM
Bless me Father:

"Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs. "Is that you, little tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, 'tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Bridget O'Shanter?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to the pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

Tommy replied, "Five more good leads!"

RICH
Royal05.gif

Posted by: MDF3530 21-Sep-2003, 03:56 PM
QUOTE (ranger @ Sep 20 2003, 10:21 PM)
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!
>
>
>
> 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
> 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
> 3. How about never? Is never good for you?
> 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
> 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
me.
> 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
> 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
> 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
> 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

> 10. Ahhh...I see the f--k-up fairy has visited us again...
> 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
> 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
> 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
> 14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
> 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
> 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
> 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

> 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

> 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
> 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
> 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
> 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
> 23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
> 24. Do I look like a people person?
> 25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
> 26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
> 27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
> 28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
> 29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
> 30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
> 31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
> 32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
> 33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
> 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
> 35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
> 36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
> 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
> 38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
>
>
>
Know it's kind of long, but thought you all might want something that you can post at work. biggrin.gif beer_mug.gif

You forgot this classic: "What color is the sky in your world?" biggrin.gif

Posted by: ranger 21-Sep-2003, 08:16 PM
I'll have to add that one. Thanks. thumbs_up.gif

Posted by: Keltic 21-Sep-2003, 09:32 PM
Can't forget - "You're depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

Posted by: ranger 23-Sep-2003, 12:32 PM
Maybe we ought to start a new forum?! beer_mug.gif

Posted by: barddas 23-Sep-2003, 12:47 PM
Found this on a scottish humor site...


If Star Wars were set in Glasgow...starwars.gif
Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'.

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby.

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.

The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker. 

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not turn out to be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks, or - leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-

Han Solo "I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny." "
The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"

Princess Leia:
"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"

Admiral Motti:
"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"

Obi Wan:
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"

Luke to the Emperor:
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, i'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"


Posted by: MDF3530 23-Sep-2003, 03:41 PM
QUOTE
Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-
Han Solo "I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"
"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"
"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny." "
The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"
Princess Leia:
"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"
"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"
Admiral Motti:
"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"
Obi Wan:
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"
Luke to the Emperor:
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, i'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"


You know who I could almost literally hear saying all this?

Robert Carlyle as Begbie in Trainspotting.

Posted by: Roisin-Teagan 24-Sep-2003, 03:21 AM
Here's a joke I hope you haven't heard before:

Mick and Nick go into a pub, whooping and hollering.
"Tender, pints all-around. We're buying!" they shout.
"What's the occasion?" asks the bartender.
"We just finished a jigsaw puzzle, and it only took us seven
months," Nick replies.
"Seven months?" says the bartender. "What's the big deal? It
shouldn't take you seven months to do a puzzle."
"Oh, yeah?" Mick answers.
"On the box it said 'two to four years'!"

Author unknown--

Posted by: ranger 24-Sep-2003, 09:56 PM
QUOTE
"Oh, yeah?" Mick answers.
"On the box it said 'two to four years'




Does this mean people were laughing with me or at me? sad.gif sad.gif

Posted by: Roisin-Teagan 25-Sep-2003, 03:37 PM
QUOTE (ranger @ Sep 24 2003, 10:56 PM)
QUOTE
"Oh, yeah?" Mick answers.
"On the box it said 'two to four years'




Does this mean people were laughing with me or at me? sad.gif sad.gif

We are laughing with you of course! laugh.gif

Posted by: ranger 25-Sep-2003, 04:19 PM
I always wondered what that snickering behind my back was all about! tongue.gif tongue.gif

Posted by: Roisin-Teagan 25-Sep-2003, 04:59 PM
Hey ranger,

I'll I always laugh right in your face---for now on. tongue.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif lol.gif

Posted by: Elspeth 25-Sep-2003, 08:09 PM
QUOTE (ranger @ Sep 20 2003, 11:21 PM)
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!
>
>
>
>
Know it's kind of long, but thought you all might want something that you can post at work.  biggrin.gif  beer_mug.gif 

OK, this was too hysterical. laugh.gif
I don't have a 'workplace' at the moment, but I did find several of these are still valid if you interchanged 'workplace' with 'Christmas dinner with the inlaws.' ... esp. numbers 14, 35, 18, 28, 31....oh heck just about every one!

Here's an old one.... Know the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Outlaws are wanted. cowboy.gif

Posted by: ranger 25-Sep-2003, 09:11 PM
QUOTE
but I did find several of these are still valid if you interchanged 'workplace' with 'Christmas dinner with the inlaws.' ... esp. numbers 14, 35, 18, 28, 31....oh heck just about every one!




You know,... you're right. Ohhh, don't tell my wife.

Posted by: ranger 25-Sep-2003, 09:14 PM
QUOTE
Hey ranger,

I'll I always laugh right in your face---for now on.





And Roisin, as always, I appreciate your honesty. angel_not.gif

Posted by: Elspeth 26-Sep-2003, 07:59 AM
OK, since last night I have read all 28 pages here (I know get a life). mellow.gif
I haven't laughed so hard in I can't remember when. lol.gif
My outbox is stuffed to capacity with all the ones I had to pass on.
Keep them coming! (please) I need the laughs. thumbup.gif

Posted by: MDF3530 26-Sep-2003, 02:29 PM
Here's a good one I got today...
QUOTE

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.

As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.

As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

Posted by: Elspeth 26-Sep-2003, 05:03 PM
Forgive me for going a wee bit off-color, ohmy.gif but this is the best joke I know.....


One evening Jeanne and Donald decide to take a stroll in the heather. Suddenly, they are blinded by a great, flashing, many-colored light. The very air quivers and they fall to the ground in fear, for landing before their unbelieving eyes is a spaceship.
Just as suddenly as it appeared, the lights go out and everything stills. Jeanne and Donald wait breathlessly as the entryway to the spaceship opens to reveal two aliens coming down the ramp.
The aliens initiate a conversation, which Jeanne and Donald surprisingly can understand. They lose their fear and invite the aliens back to their home.
One thing leads to another and after mass quantities of beer have been consumed, the conversation turns to things biological. All are surprised to discover things to be the same on both planets, and partner swapping is suggested. Donald and the alien women enter the guest bedroom as Jeanne and the alien man go into hers.
Without much ado, Jeanne and the alien get down to the business at hand, at which time Jeanne discovers their gigantic spaceships really are compensating for something. The alien notices her look of disappointment and asks what?s wrong.
"Is that all the bigger it is on your planet?" she asks timidly.
"You desire it to be larger?" he questions.
"Well, yes," Jeanne answers.
The alien twists his left ear and magically, he doubles in size. Now Jeanne is seriously impressed, however...
"Is that all the longer it is with men on your planet?" she asks.
"You desire it longer?" the alien again questions.
Jeanne nods hopefully. The alien twists his right ear, and magically it doubles in length.

The next morning Jeanne and Donald say goodbye to their alien friends, Jeanne with a grin that has yet to leave her face.
A disgruntled Donald asks his wife, ?How was it for you last night?"
"Wonderful," Jeanne sighs, stars beaming from her eyes.
"That's funny," Donald answered glumly, "All mine wanted to do all night was play with my ears."

ohmy.gif

Posted by: ranger 26-Sep-2003, 09:17 PM
Ah, Elspeth, I knew there was a little bit in ya...... biggrin.gif

Posted by: Elspeth 26-Sep-2003, 10:13 PM
Well you don't get four children just by thinking about them....... rolleyes.gif

Posted by: ranger 26-Sep-2003, 10:24 PM
Yeah, Thank goodness. I'd have kids all over the place! biggrin.gif angel_not.gif angel_not.gif

Posted by: Annabelle 27-Sep-2003, 04:02 PM
The priest in a small Irish Village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation " Has anybody got a cock?"
- all the men stood up.

"NO NO" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a Cock?
- all of the women stood up.

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them.
- half of the women stood up.

"No No" he said " That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"
- all of the nuns stood up

angel_not.gif Annabelle

Posted by: MDF3530 28-Sep-2003, 01:32 PM
Here's a good one I got in the email today. Enjoy!!!

Church Bulletin Bloopers
- The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

- Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Posted by: Gaelic Bread 28-Sep-2003, 11:07 PM
QUOTE (MDF3530 @ Sep 28 2003, 04:32 PM)
Church Bulletin Bloopers
- Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

After judging a Chili Cookoff on Saturday night at our church... MAN can I relate to this one!
angel_not.gif
29 entries... one Beano. Now, THERE'S a glowing recommendation!
laugh.gif

Posted by: AhilissaMay 29-Sep-2003, 12:17 PM
Pillsbury Doughboy

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was
considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife,
Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough: plus they had one in
the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.







HEHEHEHEHEHE laugh.gif lol.gif
AHil

Posted by: barddas 29-Sep-2003, 03:45 PM
Oh, that's funny!!!!
Now I'm hungry!!!!! I need one of Leo, Shadow, or Catrionas delights...MMMmmmm

I'm *STILL* at work.....

Why am I still here???? Need beer_mug.gif



Jason, surrounded by rolls upon rolls of plastic inventory...... sad.gif

Will he ever find his way out???? Stay tuned....


LOL!

Posted by: ranger 30-Sep-2003, 03:09 PM
>Subject: One liners
> > >
> > > Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in
> > > pain on the ground?
> > > A: Shoot him again.
> > >
> > > Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
> > > A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck
> > > and
> > > the noose.
> > >
> > > Q: Why do little boys whine?
> > > A: Because they're practicing to be men.
> > >
> > > Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> > > A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to
> > > revolve
> > > around him OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen
> > > to
> > > him brag about the screwing part.
> > >
> > > Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
> > > A: Trustworthy.
> > >
> > > Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
> > > and
> > > calling your name?
> > > A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
> > >
> > > Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
> > > A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
> > >
> > > Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
> > > mating?
> > > A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
> > >
> > > Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
> > > A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
> > >
> > > Q: What is the difference between men and women.
> > > A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
> > > every
> > > woman to satisfy his one need.
> > >
> > > Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
> > > A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
> > >
> > > Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
> > > And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to
> > > find this funny!
> > >
> > > OK, at least finding 5 bright women is possible!



Sorry, guys. Too good to pass up. biggrin.gif tongue.gif

Posted by: MDF3530 30-Sep-2003, 03:52 PM
As we here at The Pub like to promote equality, I am posting this:

Blonde Jokes

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&Ms factory?
She kept throwing away the ?W?s.

What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?
?Is it mine??

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
The white-out on the screen.

What do you call a brunette accompanying a blonde?
An interpreter.

What is it called when a blonde dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.

How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?
She opens the car door.

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for three days?
Because it said ?concentrate?.

Why was the blonde excited about finishing a puzzle in six months?
It said ?2-4 years? on the box.

Posted by: ranger 30-Sep-2003, 05:39 PM
Few more...


What do you call 3 blondes in a row?

A wind tunnel.


What does a blond use to hold her legs in place during sex?

Her hoop ear rings

Posted by: 3Ravens 30-Sep-2003, 05:50 PM
Q.Why did one blonde blow in another blondes ear?
A.Information download

Posted by: Annabelle 30-Sep-2003, 08:57 PM
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and he flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir,I need to see your ticket, Not your stub".

Posted by: Annabelle 30-Sep-2003, 09:01 PM
To all of the sweetest cops I know!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead".
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car drives up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says - "Got stuck, hua?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol".

Posted by: Annabelle 30-Sep-2003, 09:05 PM
A Lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
Stock boy replied, " No ma'am I believe their dead. cool.gif
For the love of Scotland,
Annabelle

Posted by: ranger 01-Oct-2003, 11:42 AM
Thank you sooooo much, Annabelle!



Posted by: MDF3530 01-Oct-2003, 04:28 PM
How can you tell if a blonde stuffs her bra?
Her breasts are rectangular.

How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.

Posted by: MDF3530 01-Oct-2003, 04:36 PM
QUOTE (Annabelle @ Sep 30 2003, 10:01 PM)
To all of the sweetest cops I know!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead".
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car drives up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says - "Got stuck, hua?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol".

That sounds like it was stolen from Bill Engvall. For those of you who don't know who Bill Engvall is, he's a comedian whose signature bit is "here's your sign," in reference to how most people believe that people who act stupid should have to wear a sign that says "I'm stupid."

Posted by: casper 02-Oct-2003, 01:44 AM
Just spent 4 hours and 6 Guiness reading this string. Hour 1 and 2 ROFLMAO, 3 and 4 hopeing to make it to the can so as not to p*ss myself, well done everyone!! tongue.gif beer_mug.gif beer_mug.gif

Posted by: fireflyr72 04-Oct-2003, 05:47 PM
Old Ewan moved to Maine several years ago and decided to invite his cousin Angus over from Scotland to do a wee bit o huntin. Dawn broke early and cold the mornin that they went out. They hunkered down to watch for game, when suddenly there was a great crashing noise behind them in the swamp. Angus turned and came face to face with the largest creature he had ever seen. He quietly turned to Ewan and trembling, whispered "Wha manner o beast is tha"? Ewan replied " That is a Moose." To which Angus said "Gawd man, if thats a Moose, I'd hate ta see your Rabbits!"

Posted by: brettzky42 08-Oct-2003, 10:36 PM
How do you know if a blonde has used your computer?

There's white out on the screen to correct the errors.

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