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> The smiling scotsman, Highland humor
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NightHawk 
Posted: 20-Jan-2002, 04:09 AM
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ZodiacBirch

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Windows 98

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Scottish version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Scotland. If you have one of the Scottish editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Scottish edition may be recognised by the opening screen. It reads: WINDAES 98, Ye Ken, with a picture of William Wallace superimposed on a St. Andrew's Cross, shipped with a Mel Gibson screen saver. If you have a copy of WINDAES 98, you will need to know the following:

Recycle Bin is called "The Bucket."
My Computer is called "Yon Computer Thingie."
Dialup Networking is called "Phone the Bhoys."
Control Panel is known as the "Dashboard."
Settings are called "sittins."
Programs are described as "stuff whit daes stuff."
Documents are termed "stuff whit I hive done afore."
Hard Drive is referred to as "the Tractor."
Floppies are referred to as "yon wee plastic dusc things."
In addition, you will find some commands in WINDAES 98 have been slightly altered:
OK = "'ats fine"
Cancel = "na na ma loon"
Reset = "Och ye'd be as weel startin agin"
Yes = "Och aye"
No = "nae chunce mon"
Find = "if ye'd bothered to pit it past in a safe place, ye widnae need to be lookin' for it noo, noo widye?"
Go to = "go'n ower 'ere"
Back = "back the wye"
Help = "geese a haun'"
Stop = "packit in"
Start = "com on 'en"
Some features exclusive tae WINDAES 98:
Pincil an paper.....A word processor
Colourin book.......A Graphics program
Addin machine.......Calculator
Andrex..............Notepad
Jukebox.............CD player
Photies.............A graphics viewer
Massey..............Tractor dealers listed by Post Code (Scotland only)
Car.................See previous entry
Tax Records.........usually an empty file
Other features: WINDAES 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.

We regret any inconvenience caused if you received a copy of the Scottish edition. Please return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

source: www.geocities.com/SoHo/Lofts/4900/scotsmen.htm

:)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :) :)
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CelticRadio 
  Posted: 21-Jan-2002, 08:53 AM
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:D

This is very funny! At first I thought you were serious about this. Thanks for posting it!

(d)  (d)


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NightHawk 
Posted: 30-Jan-2002, 11:37 AM
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In the middle of foggy night in the NW Atlantic.....two lights are heading directly for one another...
and on the radio an American voice is heard saying "we suggest you alter course by 10 degrees".
Back comes the reply "No!" Then the American voice says "this is the battleship USS Missouri
leading the American Atlantic battle fleet, you had better alter course by 10 degrees." Back
comes the reply "this is the Hebrides lighthouse, but it's your call, Jimmy"

;)
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kylassie 
Posted: 30-Jan-2002, 09:54 PM
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(d)  :D  Thanks for the laughs! I needed to be cheered up!

ROFLMAO ! :D  :D  :D  :D

Slainte,


Janet
aka Kentucky Lassie


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aka Kentucky Lassie

aka Janet, Queen of Scots :p
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NightHawk 
Posted: 31-Jan-2002, 10:58 AM
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@ kylassie   (d)

Following was certainly told by someone who doesn't really cherish the heavenly sound of a well played bagpipe    ;)


What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?

Eventually, people get tired of jumping on a trampoline.


Slŕinte  (b)

NightHawk
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NightHawk 
Posted: 31-Jan-2002, 11:07 AM
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...and another one.

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNeil from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

;)
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maggiemahone1 
  Posted: 31-Jan-2002, 01:26 PM
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That was VERY AMUSING  NightHawk,  That little story kinda reminds me of a few people I know. ;)  ;)     maggiemahone1
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Blue_Rogue 
  Posted: 02-Feb-2002, 10:23 AM
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I'll do my best to clean this up, it's more of an adult joke, but funny!

 A English, French and Scot soilder were on leave when they past a house of ill repute. The Englishman and Frenchman thought that this is just what was needed, but the Scotsman disagreed, stating that he could not have it his way. The Englishman and Frenchman convinced him that surly he would be sattisfied, or they would pay for him. The Scotsman agreed. They agreed to all met at the bar across the street when they were done.
 The Englishman was first to come out, not seeing his freind went to the bar and ordered a beer (b) . The Frenchman came out a short time later and joined the Englishman  (b) .
 Some time had passed and the two freinds decided that their Scottish freind must have gotten what he wanted when the Scotsman came running out chased by two large men. When he saw his two freinds standing at the bar he hollered "See, I told you they won't do it my way, FREEEEEEEE"


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kylassie 
Posted: 02-Feb-2002, 10:46 AM
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That's a good 'ern! ROFL :D
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maggiemahone1 
Posted: 02-Feb-2002, 11:38 AM
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Here's a little bit of not so bright Scottish humor!!!

Wullie was having his appendix out and was driving the doctor mad with his questions.  "Will Ah be able to play the bagpipes after me operation?" he asked.  "Of course you will" snapped the doctor.  "Thats amazing!" marvelled Wully.  "AH couldna play them before!"

Jessie was out for a walk and came to a river and saw Maggie on the other opposite bank.  "Hello there", she shouts,"how can I get to the other side?"  Maggie looked up the river, then down the river, then shouted back, "You are on the other
side."

Davie is not really a liar.  He just arranges the truth to his favor.

Sandy was only 5 feet tall.  He reckoned it to his diet as a child-condensed mild and shortbread.

When an old lady was asked why she had suddenly taken to studying the Bible so assiduously, she replied, "I'm studying for my finals."

The 2 old Scots had imbibed overmuch.  Saying his good-night, the one told the other: "John man, when ye gang oot the door, ye"ll see twa cabs. Tak' the first yin-the t'ither anes no' there!"

More of these can be found at :
www.rampantscotland.com

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NightHawk 
Posted: 08-Feb-2002, 01:35 PM
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BAND STRUCTURE OF THE ARGYLL & SUTHERLAND HIGHLANDERS

Drum Major:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Walks on Water.
Talks to God.

Pipers:
Leaps small buildings with a run-up.
Is a crack shot.
Pulls railway carriages.
Fords rivers.
Listens to god.

Side Drummers:
Vaults over fences.
Is allowed his own sidearm.
Can read a railway timetable.
Knows how to put on fishing gollashes.
Believes in God.

Tenor Drummers:
Can open and walk through a door.
Knows which is the dangerous end of a gun.
Has his own train set.
Wears Wellington boots.
Talks to himself.

Bass Drummers:
Trips over matchsticks.
Is NEVER allowed near firearms.
Says "Look at CHOO-CHOO".
Plays in puddles.
Nobody listens to him

and finally.

THE PIPE MAJOR:
Lifts tall buildings and walks underneath them.
Catches bullets in his teeth and chews them.
Kicks locomotives off their tracks.
Drinks entire oceans because
He IS GOD!!!!
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Jenni 
  Posted: 08-Feb-2002, 05:50 PM
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I have to say I got a good laugh over the A&S description below.

Having hung out with the A&S boys at Loon Mountain back in 1998, I have to say they are one of the most partying regiments out of Scotland. Only the Blackwatch have topped A&S for the number of straight hours of partying between American tour performances.  ;)


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NightHawk 
Posted: 11-Feb-2002, 03:52 PM
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A Pole, with an unpronounceable name,
wanted to try his hand at golf at St. Andrews.
Three times he asked the starter to put him down
to play the next morning at ten, before he was told,
"Ye'll come the day after tomorrow at eleven,
and ye'll answer to the name o' Macpherson"

 :)
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NightHawk 
Posted: 13-Feb-2002, 04:58 PM
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In a London street, two Highlanders stood looking at the imposing front of a large building.
The corner-stone bore the date in Roman characters, "MCMIV."
"Look at that, Jock," said Sandy proudly, "Ah don't know what clan he come from,
but he's got his name on one of the finest buildings in London. You canna keep oor boys doon, can ye ?"
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CelticRadio 
  Posted: 14-Feb-2002, 04:10 PM
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I just had the best laugh reading this thread. Been so busy with the website that I havn't had a chance to read all of these great posts! All I can say is keep these jokes coming!

:D

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