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> Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty
Patch 
Posted: 09-Jun-2008, 05:31 PM
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Pager Problem
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another problem solved.

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Patch 
Posted: 09-Jun-2008, 05:35 PM
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An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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Patch 
Posted: 09-Jun-2008, 05:37 PM
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss," said the foreman, "Have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

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Patch 
Posted: 10-Jun-2008, 01:29 PM
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When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher's Low Fat) Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook.........

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Patch 
Posted: 10-Jun-2008, 02:11 PM
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn’t back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home.


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Dogshirt 
Posted: 10-Jun-2008, 04:49 PM
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QUOTE
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher's Low Fat) Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook.........

Slàinte,   

Patch   



My friend Ron always told me that if it wasn't for SMOKE DETECTORS he wouldn't know when dinner was done! So much for bachelor cooking!


beer_mug.gif


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The more Liberals I meet, the more I like my dogs!
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stoirmeil 
Posted: 10-Jun-2008, 05:22 PM
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Why parents drink


The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes.."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...


" ME ."

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Patch 
Posted: 11-Jun-2008, 03:30 AM
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Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member:: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: : "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member:: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member:: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member:: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member:: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Slàinte,    

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Patch 
Posted: 11-Jun-2008, 03:38 AM
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Irish Diggers
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute. They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the house. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish Rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"

Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was lurking about the house, looking around to see if any one was watching, then quietly sneaking in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died."

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Patch 
Posted: 11-Jun-2008, 03:39 AM
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A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer.

"Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked.

The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."

"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked.

"Nope."

"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?"

"Nope."

Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he said.

"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."

Slàinte,    

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blackcloud1129 
Posted: 11-Jun-2008, 07:40 AM
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> I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
> So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
>
> How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over
fifty for Miss America ?
>
> I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!
>
> When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky
dunk.'

> Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.
>
> Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
>
> Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but t hey can in
prison?
>
> Wouldn't you know it....
> Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
>
> Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside?
>
> Bumper sticker of the year:
> 'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank
a soldier'
>
> And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to
the end, the faster it goes.
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Patch 
Posted: 11-Jun-2008, 01:09 PM
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."

Slàinte,    

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ranger 
Posted: 13-Jun-2008, 01:58 PM
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Run for the door :



A mental hospital was critically overcrowded. The doctor decides to get all the patients seated in one large room to conduct a test to see how many they discharge that day.
At the front of the room the Doctors took some chalk and drew a full size door on a Blackboard and offered an ice cream to any patient who could open the door. There was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching and clawing at the door and the handle.
The doctors were disappointed, until they noticed a single patient who remained in his chair and was quietly chuckling to himself as he watched his fellow patients.
Encouraged that at least one patient could be discharged today, the doctors asked him why he wasn't trying to open the door.
The patient, who could no longer contain his laughter, shouted, "I've got the key!"










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"...so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

'The Lord of the Rings' - Book one
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maisky 
Posted: 15-Jun-2008, 05:55 AM
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When I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
> Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like
> most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
> Equally unfortunately, my wife
> is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife
> received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
> >
> > Dear Mrs.Samual.
> >
> > Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
> > commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
> forced to ban both of you
> from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samuel are listed below and
> are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
> >
> > 1 June 15:
> >
> > Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when
> > they weren't looking.
> >
> > 2 July 2:
> >
> > Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals
> >
> > 3 July 7:
> >
> > Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
> > restroom.
> >
> > 4 July 19:
> >
> > Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in
>
> > Housewares. Get on it right away."
> >
> > 5 August 4:
> >
> > Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
> >
> > 6 August 14:
> >
> > Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
> >
> > 7 August 15:
> >
> > Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd
> > invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the
> bedding department.
> >
> > 8 August 23:
> >
> > When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
> > screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
> >
> > 9 September 4:
> >
> > Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he
>
> > picked his nose.
> >
> > 10. September 10:
> >
> > While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk
> > where the antidepressants were.
> >
> > 11. October 3:
> >
> > Dar ted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
> > "Mission Impossible" theme.
> >
> > 12. October 6:
> >
> > In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using
> > different sizes of funnels.
> >
> > 13. October 18:
> >
> > Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK
> > ME! PICK ME!"
> >
> > 14. October 21:
> >
> > When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal
> > position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
> >
> > And last, but not least
> >
> > 15. October 23:
> >
> > Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled
> > very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
> ________________________________


--------------------
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."
Carl Sagan
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Patch 
Posted: 16-Jun-2008, 09:24 AM
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"Middle age is the time in life when, after pulling
in your stomach, you look as if you ought to
pull in your stomach."
- Unknown

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