The smiling scotsman, Highland humor

[Kamchak]

Three guys... an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Englishman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie. The Scot says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Scotland." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Scotland was forever made fertile for farming. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says... "Fill it up with water."

[Kamchak]

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate." Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud." Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me un Becks, ze real King of beers." Jan, Chief Executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top. Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. please". The other four stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies "Well, if you pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".

[Kamchak]

The Society of the Paranormal was having a convention in town and there were many attendees. The president of the society was at the podium delivering the opening address to all who were there in body and in spirit, and he asked the question: "Who of you have had the occasion to see a ghost?". There was a showing of perhaps forty hands, to which the speaker asked, "Who of you have had the occasion to speak with a ghost?". Once again the conventioneers raised hands, counting thirty or so. Then the question, "Who of you have had the occasion to have actually touched a ghost?", to which about ten hands were waved about. The speaker paused for a moment, and then delivered another query, "Who of you have had the occasion to have sex with a ghost?",and in the far back of the auditorium a lone hand was raised. "Would the usher please escort that individual with his hand raised to the stage? I simply must inquire further." And with a couple of moments delay the man was brought forward, who incidentally turned out to be a wee Scotsman in full kilt no less. When the Scot arrived on stage, the speaker asked him, "Well Sir, tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost.", to which the man replied, "Ghost? Laddie,I thought ye said goat!".

[Kamchak]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've something to tell ya." "Of course you may come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to tell ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness Brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrrrrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear!" But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

[Kamchak]

An Englishman, a Irishman and an Scotsman enter a pub and each proceed to order a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their beverages they notice a fly has landed in each of their beers, and has gotten stuck in the creamy head. The Englishman pushes the glass away in disgust. The Irishman fishes the offending insect out with his finger and continues drinking as if nothing has ever happened. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his beer by the wings, holds it over the glass and yells, "Spit it out, ya bastard!!!"

[freekenny]

Now those are FUNNY!! I so enjoy a good laugh!