A extremely wealthy, 70 year old guy returns from a vacation and shows up at the country club with an absolutely stunning, 25 year-old blonde. She clutches the guy's arm tightly and seems to hang on his every word. His buddies at the club are all astonished.
At the very first chance, they corner him and demand, "So tell us where you found this hot girlfriend!"
The guy replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
Amazed, the friends ask. "How did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age," the guy replies.
"Oh," they nod, knowingly. "Did you tell her you were only 50?"
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the First grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on, " NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, And said,
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who is going to tell his wife"? They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one.
They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet and be gentle. Don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet"? he says. "I'll be the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me."
So, Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
Football FINALLY makes sense......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
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Unavoidably Detained by the World
"Irishness is not primary a question of birth or blood or language; it is the condition on being involved in the Irish situation, and usually of being mauled by it."-Conor Cruise O'Brien
And for all you Green Bay fans: John Madden was in New England to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Patriots' bench. He asked QB Brady what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked if he could use it. Brady replied, "Sure, but it will cost you $200."
John scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I could use some help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid $200. John's picks were perfect that week.
The next week, John was in Indianapolis when he noticed that same kind of phone on the Colts bench. He asked what the telephone was for and Manning told him, "It's a hotline to God. If you want to use it, it will cost you $500." Recalling the previous week, John pulled out his wallet and made the call. John's picks were perfect again that week.
Last weekend, John was in Green Bay, when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Packers' bench. He asked Brett Favre, "Is that the hotline to God?" Favre said, "Yes, and if you want to use it, it will cost you 50 cents."
John looked incredulously at Favre and said, "Wait a second, I just paid $200 in New England and $500 in Indianapolis to use the same phone to God! Why do the Packers only charge 50 cents?"
Favre replied, "Because in Green Bay, it's a local call."
Only a real Maine Man can make you feel like a woman.
A plane was passing through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman? "
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man from Maine stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built; with dark brown hair and hazel eyes ... his name was Don. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time, locking eyes with her. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...
Then, he spoke... "Here, iron this -- and then get me a beer."
These are actual clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
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"Now here's my secret", said the fox, "it is very simple. It is only with ones heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."
("The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
"The soul would have no rainbow, if the eye had no tears." (Native American Proverb)
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds! , "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You Have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You Are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . . . . . BRING POSSEEEEE