 Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty |
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AK-Mal  |
Posted: 17-Mar-2004, 05:23 PM
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Peasant
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 12
Joined: 23-Feb-2004
Zodiac: Rowan
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman enter a pub. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
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Here's a _bad_ one:
A string walks into a bar, bartender takes one look at him and says "We don't serve strings here." String exits the bar, ties himself into a knot and frays one end. Walking back in, the bartender says "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here."
The string looks at him and says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot (afraid not)."
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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money sitting on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for. "See that donkey over there? Well, pay one dollar into the pot, then if you can get the donkey to laugh, the money's yours." Guy thinks about it for a minute, drops in the money, walks over to the doney and whispers something into his ear. Immediatly, the donkey start laughing. Bartender hands the money to the guy and says, "Well, a deal is a deal."
A couple of weeks later, same bar, same guy. Sees another pot of money and again asks the bartender what the deal is. "Well this time, it's the same donkey but now you have to make him cry." Guy thinks, drops in the money and heads over to the doney. After a minute, the donkey begins to cry profusely.
As the guy is collecting his pot, the bar tender asks, "OK, I have to know how did you do it."
Guy replies, "Well, the first time I told him mine was bigger than his. Second time I proved it."
TG
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| MDF3530 |
 Posted: 20-Mar-2004, 07:00 PM
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Celtic Guardian
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 7,290
Joined: 30-Jul-2002
Zodiac: Willow
Realm: Midlothian, IL
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Funny typos from church bulletins...
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing ?Put Me in My Little Bed?, accompanied by the Pastor.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the Altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in the study.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience. "
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Potluck supper on Tuesday at 7pm. Prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David A. Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale, It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The sermons this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
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Mike F.May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.
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| JaneyMae |
Posted: 21-Mar-2004, 09:58 AM
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Celtic Guardian
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 2,342
Joined: 09-Dec-2003
Zodiac: Ash
Realm: Idaho, USA
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Gotta love those Marines!!!!!
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve."Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight!."
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| gaberlunzie |
Posted: 21-Mar-2004, 11:56 AM
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Celtic Guardian
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 6,958
Joined: 31-Aug-2003
Zodiac: Vine
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Two old men of around 80 years meet in the park as usual.
A: How are you?
B: G R E A T :::I've got a new girlfriend!
A: Can't believe it...old devil, you...!
B: Oh yes!!! She's 23, next week will go for vacations...
A: Oh boy...good luck and you HAVE to tell me ANYTHING when you're back !
Two weeks later they meet again.
A: NOOOOW...tell me, buddy...
B: It was incredible! We went out for candlelight dinners. concerts, the theater...
A: Well...fine...but what about, eh, you know...sex?
B: Almost every day!
A: Almost EVERY DAY...wow, man, can't believe it...lucky guy...
B: Yeah! Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday...
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| JaneyMae |
Posted: 22-Mar-2004, 12:05 PM
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Celtic Guardian
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 2,342
Joined: 09-Dec-2003
Zodiac: Ash
Realm: Idaho, USA
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The blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "Peel and Win"
sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free
lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She
hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
(You're gonna love this)
W I N A B A G E L
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Very Funny 
