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> Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty
gaberlunzie 
Posted: 21-May-2006, 03:43 PM
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ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH AT COURT

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She replied, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big dissapointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied,"Why yes I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said,

"Neither of you bastards better ask her if she knows me."


--------------------
"Now here's my secret", said the fox, "it is very simple. It is only with ones heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."

("The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupery)


"The soul would have no rainbow, if the eye had no tears."
(Native American Proverb)
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Elspeth 
Posted: 22-May-2006, 07:41 AM
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Oh, that was a good one gabby!!!


--------------------
Compassion is the sometimes fatal capacity for feeling what it is like inside somebody else's skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too.
- Frederick Buechner



If society prospers at the expense of the intangibles,
how can it be called progress?

-LLP
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stoirmeil 
Posted: 22-May-2006, 10:16 AM
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Delightful! lol.gif

Yep -- the first two laws of litigation:

Never ask a question you don't already know the answer to; and
Never ask a question you don't WANT the answer to.
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Jimmy Carbomb 
Posted: 23-May-2006, 10:08 PM
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HOLY SMOKES!


I haven't been to this section in quite a while, and much to my surprise... it's more than 3 YEARS and 40 PAGES later!!!!!

You've all done very well with this thread!!!!!

I'm half tempted to go back and read the first few pages to try to remember the old, original posts!! beer_mug.gif


--------------------
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Elspeth 
Posted: 24-May-2006, 04:40 AM
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Yeah, going back is always a good idea. There's some beautes back there. smile.gif
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gaberlunzie 
Posted: 25-May-2006, 11:41 AM
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A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed even more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. Finally the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

The case was dismissed. wink2.gif
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Elspeth 
Posted: 30-May-2006, 07:31 AM
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Why couldn't the hunter find his pants?


Because they were camouflage! lol.gif
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bowmore 
Posted: 28-Jul-2006, 12:26 PM
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Bill Gates & St. Peter

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clearwaters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

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stoirmeil 
Posted: 01-Aug-2006, 07:03 PM
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A Challenging Golf Game


Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but kept rolling directly toward a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long drive directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball back onto the green.

A third golfer got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and veered toward a nearby tree.

From there, the ball bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.

Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog screamed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing when you bring your Dad."


The Atheist

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by a three-headed monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow them both. As the men sailed head over hells, he cried out, "Oh my God! Help me!" At once the ferocious attack scene froze in one place, and as the atheist hung in mid air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn?t believe in me!?"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in three-headed monsters either!"


He Who Tells the Best Story...

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
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Shadows 
Posted: 02-Aug-2006, 03:30 PM
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How hot was it today????


It was so hot I saw two trees fighting over a male dog lifting it's leg....




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I support the separation of church and hate!

IMAGINATION - the freest and largest nation in the world!


One can not profess to be of "GOD" and show intolerence and prejudice towards the beliefs of others.

Am fear nach gleidh na h–airm san t–sith, cha bhi iad aige ’n am a’ chogaidh.
He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.

"We're all in this together , in the parking lot between faith and fear" ... O.C.M.S.

“Beasts feed; man eats; only the man of intellect knows how to eat well.”

"Without food we are nothing, without history we are lost." - SHADOWS


Is iomadh duine laghach a mhill an Creideamh.
Religion has spoiled many a good man.

The clan MacEwen
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bowmore 
Posted: 10-Aug-2006, 12:13 PM
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Hi all i must say i laughed as i read your jokes they were funny laugh.gif
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Robert Phoenix 
Posted: 10-Aug-2006, 10:29 PM
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Now this was just too dang funny. The ladies will enjoy this one

http://www.electricscotland.com/humour/h77.htm


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Unavoidably Detained by the World

"Irishness is not primary a question of birth or blood or language; it is the condition on being involved in the Irish situation, and usually of being mauled by it."-Conor Cruise O'Brien

Pour mouth to mouth
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ballydun 
Posted: 10-Aug-2006, 10:53 PM
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I'd love to see how the men really react in that situation. would'nt they feel a bit uncomfortable? A hidden camera would be hillarious!


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[color=red]"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision." Maya Angelou





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Shadows 
Posted: 11-Aug-2006, 04:36 PM
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Finkelstein and Jesus

>Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that
>He really needed a new robe.
>
>After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the
>Tailor.
>So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein
>prepare a new robe for Him.
>
>A few days later, when the robe was finished,
>Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit !
>
>He asked how much He owed.
>Finkelstein brushed him off:
>
>"No, no, no, for the Son of God ? There's no charge !
>However, may I ask for a small favor ?
>Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your
nice
>new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor ? "
>
> Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His
>Finkelstein
>robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
>
>A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem,
He
>happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of
people
>waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
>
>He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as
>Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done
>for my business! Would you consider a partnership ? "
>
>"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is.
>"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus."
>After all, I am the craftsman."
>
>The two of them debated this for some time.
>Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and
they
>finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
>
>A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.
>
>Can you guess what it read ?? Are you sure you want to know ?
>
>Here it comes...
>
>Don't say you weren't warned......
>
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>Lord & Taylor
>
>
>
>DON'T WHINE & MOAN - YOU KNOW YOU'LL PASS IT ON!
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Robert Phoenix 
Posted: 11-Aug-2006, 09:10 PM
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A gentleman was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for his Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind him asked if I had a dog. On impulse, he told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again, although he probably shouldn't because he ended up in the hospital last time --- but that he lost 50 pounds before he awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if he been poisoned and was that why he was in the hospital.
He told her no; he had been sitting in the street licking himself and a car hit him.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
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