 Pub humour, Jokes o'plenty |
|
Swanny  |
Posted: 04-Jul-2003, 12:46 AM
|
Celtic Guardian
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 1,108
Joined: 08-Jun-2003
Zodiac: Birch
Realm: Two Rivers, Alaska
|
GROUCHY
Our daughter once asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years!" "No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."
--------------------
|
|
|
| Swanny |
Posted: 08-Jul-2003, 05:24 PM
|
Celtic Guardian
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 1,108
Joined: 08-Jun-2003
Zodiac: Birch
Realm: Two Rivers, Alaska
|
Life with four-year-olds
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with
crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about
2a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the
loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The
next day,I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep
with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't
sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me
up in the terminal at the appointedtime. Since the plane was late, there
were hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers, also. As
I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,
"Hi,Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's
the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet.
------------------------
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then
4yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her
stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began
playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants
to follow in my footsteps!'
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take
your order?"
--------------------
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say,"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
-------------------------
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find
a smooth one, can I play with him?"
----------------------------
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
---------------------
I saved the best for last:
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
|
|
|
| MDF3530 |
 Posted: 11-Jul-2003, 12:06 PM
|
Celtic Guardian
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 7,290
Joined: 30-Jul-2002
Zodiac: Willow
Realm: Midlothian, IL
|
Here's a good one I got in a "joke of the day" email today. Clean too  ...
I Am Napoleon
Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
--------------------
Mike F.May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.
|
|
|
| Jimmy Carbomb |
Posted: 20-Jul-2003, 12:08 AM
|
Barleyjuice ~ "Pog Mo Tunes"Publishing
Group: Ireland
Posts: 495
Joined: 08-Mar-2003
Zodiac: Oak
Realm: On The Road
|
I haven't contributed in my own daggum thread in awhile, so here goes:
Have You Seen A Ghost?
The Society of the Paranormal was having a convention in town and there were many attendees. The president of the society was at the podium delivering the opening address to all who were there in body and in spirit, and he asked the question: "Who of you have had the occasion to see a ghost?". There was a showing of perhaps forty hands, to which the speaker asked, "Who of you have had the occasion to speak with a ghost?". Once again the conventioneers raised hands, counting thirty or so. Then the question, "Who of you have had the occasion to have actually touched a ghost?", to which about ten hands were waved about. The speaker paused for a moment, and then delivered another query, "Who of you have had the occasion to have sex with a ghost?",and in the far back of the auditorium a lone hand was raised. "Would the usher please escort that individual with his hand raised to the stage? I simply must inquire further." And with a couple of moments delay the man was brought forward, who incidentally turned out to be a wee Scotsman in full kilt no less. When the Scot arrived on stage, the speaker asked him, "Well Sir, tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost.", to which the man replied, "Ghost? Laddie,I thought ye said goat!".
|
|
|
| free2Bme |
Posted: 22-Jul-2003, 03:05 PM
|
Queen of Janetania
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 1,114
Joined: 03-Jul-2002
Zodiac: Ivy
Realm: Gulf Coast of Florida
|
Sent to me in an email:
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
> her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
> and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go
> to the ball, but only on two conditions. First, you must wear a
> diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be
> home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
> Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes,
> and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up,
> looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you
> been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn
> into a pumpkin three hours
> ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
> "I know of no prince with that kind of
> power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly
> ...Peter Peter, something or other...."
|
|
|
| Kishmul |
 Posted: 29-Jul-2003, 05:46 AM
|
Peasant
Group: Celtic Nation
Posts: 5
Joined: 25-Jul-2003
Zodiac: Birch
Realm: Danby Town, County of Rutland, Vermont
|
Peter Coors, Augustus Busch, and Tom Guiness, the owners of three famous beer breweries met at a hotle one day and all decided to lift a beer.
Peter Coors ordered a Coors, Augustus Busch ordered a Budweiser and Tom Guiness ordered a Coke.
Astonished, Coors and Busch asked Guiness why he was drinking a Coke?
Well, he said, if you two aren't going to drink beer, neither am I.
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
Track this topic
Receive email notification when a reply has been made to this topic and you are not active on the board.
Subscribe to this forum
Receive email notification when a new topic is posted in this forum and you are not active on the board.
Download / Print this Topic
Download this topic in different formats or view a printer friendly version.
|
"You can't run with the big dogs if you still pee like a puppy".
