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ups and down...
Posted by Nocturnaline on Feb 11th, 2007 7:46 PM
Difficult to define my state of mind tonight... it is very contrasted infact...

I am very tired, i woke up at 4:00 Am and i've been unable to sleep again before begining working at 9:00 PM, now it's just 0:15 Am, i finish at 6:30 Am... As you can imagine, this night is a very long night for me... And as if it wasn't enough i have a cold... I feel my brain is like in a heavy cloud... Does it mean something? I don't know, but somewhere in this brain, it's certainly meaning full.

Aside from this, I can say that my blues is quite gone away... Perhaps it is just because my brain is quite unable to really think about anything... Am i clear? I really feel that what i'm writting doesn't mean anything... It's quite boring!
Whatever it is, it's not too bad...

The most strange is that my heart is still heavy because of few matters in my family... My mother is at the hospital to have heart diagnostic... And my eldest brother who is bipolar, have cracked down these last days because he has discontinued his medical treatment...
Concerning my mother it was foretold, then even if it is always frightening, i try to keep cool...
But concerning my brother, it was unexpected.
My sister-in-law had finally called an ambulance on yesterday to drive him in the
fitted departement hospital. It's very hard to understand what really happens into his mind, he is a true active person, the matter with the treatment the spychologist gave him, is that it drove him listlessly... and he was conscious of this lack of energy... And he couldn't bear it anymore... And then he had just stopped his treatment, as if he thought he was cured... but he knows that it is an illness which can't be cured...

Infact, my blues is fading away because my family needn't some new trouble, i've to be strong for them, and not a further burden... I have some troubles to communicate with my family, which envolves that my reactions are often construed as a sign of desinterest, which of course is a misconception... My reactions are more the consequences of the fact that i hide my feelings, wanting to not load them with my own devils...

A least, I wish that everything would spring back before my travel, for them and i confess also for myself, selfishly cause this trip is my dream and i wouldn't leave it fully if a big piece of my soul stay at home...





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