I'm at my breaking point. Everyone seems to think that they know why I do things. I've had to play the @$$ hole for days now. My voices are getting harder to handle each day. My wife wants to leave me. I can't eat anything it just makes me sick. I can't tell anyone here because then I get in trouble for playing the "victim ". Every time I say something , every time I move someone is telling that it is wrong. I feel lost with no help in site. Music isn't helping ,reading isn't helping, looking at my kids isn't helping because I'm afraid that I will say something wrong and then they to will be mad at me to. Do you know how it feels to have everyone in your life mad at you and you haven't done anything but try to work on your problems? last night was the worst the voices have ever been. Five hours of talking, them and me. Do you know what that does to a man? it breaks him. I tried lean on Amanda last night for help but this morning I got in trouble for waking her.
I'm the one that every one comes to for help. If they need someone to talk to, if they need something and I have it I give it to them. But no one what to help me. All I get is "stop try to make us feel sorry for you. Your not the victim Josh we are. Your the one that is in the wrong not us. Your the one that fuc%ed up Josh. Not us. You." But no one seems to see that they have left me to fight for my self. I'm always there to fight with them. I scratch their backs and they kick me to the ground.
I'm supposed to know what they mean when they say something. If yes is the answer to my question it's ok for them to say "we're still talking about it but as of right now the out come looks like yes, but we're not sure well get back to you." I'm suppose to know that that means yes. Not that their're not sure. How in the h#ll is that a yes? To me that is a maybe.
When I'm told "hey Josh when the voices get to bad let me know I'll help." I write that I'm hurting or say that I'm hurting. What do I get? "No that not what you meant. You meant it that we are being as$ holes to you Josh."
I can't run my own life. I haven't slept for maybe 2 hours a day for the last 4 maybe five days. And is anyone here to let me rest. Nope. Because some one else is in need of help. I hate being the strong one. No one thinks that you need help.
I can't say that I don't feel like doing anything tonight. I just want to go to sleep. Nope someone already made plans for me. not even asking if it's ok with me. I say "no I really don't want to do anything." I get told "stop being a jerk to everyone, your going." I'm 25 almost 26 and I feel like I'm 5. And if I tell them that I feel like that. Well like I said before I get "Josh stop playing the victim." How much sh&t is a person to take before they lose it. Before it just keeps stacking up and up and up and up and up and up. BOOM then I yell at someone. When I say "I'm sorry for yelling at you. I've got a lot on my plate.
" They say "well lets talk josh. Tell me what is wrong." I tell them that all that I've said above and I still get the "victim" card.
You want to know something not one person has asked my how I fell about the fact that I failed collage again after trying so hard. Not one. How I feel is like I'm the dumbest person on the earth. I hate myself for not being good a math. I feel like I've let my kids down. I tired to tell Amanda and This is how far I got into that.
"Amanda, can I talk to you about collage?" "Sure josh." "Thanks. I feel like I am a re..............." that was it. I got to the dots and she says "Get over it Josh." And she left to go do something "better". Come to find out it the something better was looking in the mirror to see if she need to touch up her eye liner. Then going down to see her sister and josh. I followed. And for almost three hours she sat there and listen to nick and josh 's problems. And then hugged them and helped them feel better. It upset me. Would it not upset you? I say to my self "I'm not going to yell I'm not going to start a fight."So I go upstairs so I can cool off. 10 minutes later Amanda comes up to find me. "Why did you leave josh." She says. "Amanda I really don't want to talk about it." "No josh talk." "Ok it hurt me Amanda that you gave me like 2 minutes of your time when I needed you. And you gave Nick and Josh like three hours. You know how that turned out. After I said that She gets mad at me and says "that I don't love her. That I haven;t loved her for years." I ask "do you know see why I got mad?" She says "No." I tell her just like I just wrote it. "I got two mins of your time about something that really upset me. I never got to finish. Instead you leave and talk to Nick and josh for hours well I'm sitting hating myself". She then says "That is no reason to get upset at her. Nick and Josh needed some one to talk to Josh. Stop being a a$$ hole." Then she says "that she wants to separate because I don't love her and I'm controlling her time with other people." I ask "How?" She says "because I got mad at her for being with Nick and Josh." Am i wrong to be a upset? I feel like I was swept under the rug and forgot about.
Now this is not a once in a blue moon thing and it not only her. It happens every day with some one I know. I got asked by someone if they could use my car to take a 2-3 hours trip down state. I said "Sorry but I would not feel safe with you going that far in the van." I then tell them why I said that. "I keep losing the brakes and no matter what I do to it it still messes up. I would hate myself if you guys were driving down and the brakes gave out at 70 MPH with you guys and your kids in the car and you couldn't stop and you hit someone and died." Now to me that is showing care. Right? I get today that "I hate everyone in my family and the I'm selfish. ??? So I guess not wanting family dying in your car because it keeps losing the brakes makes me a @$$ hole. It's carp like that every day for me. And no one ever sees why I get upset. Even if I tell them at that moment way and then show them why. I'm still doing it the way they think it is and that me being a a$$ hole
I'm surprised that anyone cares that I still hear the voices. The only reason that is is because 3 years ago I slipped up and listened to one of voices and almost killed my self. I was saved by the cry of Haleigh. I bet if that night never happened they would think that I was lying to get more victim points.
Well I'm surprised but I feel a lot better. I'm still tried and I still hurting. But I stop shaking for the first time in days and i don't feel like I'm going to be sick. Thank you guys again for listening to my problems. Have wonderful day and I will see you in MK ;-)